"I can't answer the first. As to the second…." I paused, considering. This hadn't been one-sided. While Em had changed, I had too.
"I became a workaholic,” I admitted. "You know, I actually can't think of the last time I turned my phone off or didn't work on the weekend.”
Or came home before midnight. Or had an actual, uncontactable under any circumstance vacation.
I swallowed. “I abandoned you. I neglected our relationship and used money to try and solve our issues when what we really needed was time together.”
Em watched me with solemn eyes, her face still puffy. "Are you happy, Calvin?"
"No," I wretched the word from my soul. "I haven't been happy since…."
Since when, Calvin?
I didn't have an answer. We sat in silence for a long time. Through the numerous windows, the sun began to drop in the sky, darkness coming early at this time of year.
"Did we go to Peru?" Em finally asked.
"You know, we never did get there."
Her hand found mine in the growing darkness, holding tight.
"Would… would you maybe like to go with me?"
I looked down at the woman beside me. She wore hope on her face.
"Yeah,” I murmured, letting myself believe in this reality. Letting myself choose to see this accident as the wake-up call we both needed. "I'd love to take you."
Her lips lifted in a smile. "Okay."
"Okay."
5
Emily
I'd been home for two weeks, and it had become painfully obvious that the intimacy Cal and I had once shared had eroded over time. Every time I reached for him, pressed a kiss to his cheek, wrapped an arm around his waist, or reached out to hold his hand, every single time he looked surprised.
He never pushed me away, instead lingering a little longer as if he wanted more of this easy affection. As if he had been starved for even one little touch.
We hadn't had sex yet. I didn't quite know how. I mean, I knewhow,just not how to approach this.
I exited the shower, pausing to look at my dripping body in the full-length mirrors lining the wall of the room. They were anti-fog, meaning you got an uninterrupted view of every crack and crevice of your body from disrobing to dressing.
Which confused me. Who wanted to see that every day?
I scrutinised my body, examining myself with a kind of fascinated curiosity.
This person in the mirror didn't look familiar. My skin was pale, indicating a preference for the indoors, which was strange as I had never been that kind of person. There were new marks and bumps, wrinkles and folds. And the tattoo. A simple but beautifully ornate comet.
I shook my head at the mirror, turning away. I was all for being healthy, but this didn't feel like I'd attempted to achieve a healthy medium.
I covered my unfamiliar body in designer clothing that I hated and walked downstairs to my makeshift music room, having found that the only room in this monstrous house with any kind of acoustics was the library.
I felt strangely lonely as well as nervous and unsettled. Calvin had returned to work today, promising to be home in time for dinner, but that was hours away, and I found I had little to distract me from my thoughts.
I could have called Collins to come spend today with me, but I didn't want to disturb her simply because I felt uncomfortable in my own home. Collins had been at the hospital each day, Nick close on her heels.
It hadn't escaped my notice that the photos she'd shown me during these visits had evidenced my growing brittleness as the years progressed. My openness hidden behind pursed smiles, fake laughter, and social media-worthy poses.
