He cuts me off by reaching for me. “You keep saying that like it’s a death sentence. But you can still have an amazing life if you lose the ability to walk, Vince. You know that.”
“It’s not easy.”
“When did I ever say I needed easy?” He squeezes my hand. “Look, I know what’s coming. I’ve done my research on multiple sclerosis too. It doesn’t scare me.” He lowers his gaze. “That’s not true, actually. I’m terrified of what’s going to happen to you,but only because I care about you. I don’t want you to suffer or—” He stops, his lip trembling. He closes his eyes, tucking his face against his shoulder. He’s quiet for a long time before saying in a cracked voice, “I hate that I can’t take it away.”
Something in my chest eases. I lift his hand to kiss the back of it. “You shouldn’t have to carry it. That’s my point.”
“But Iwantto,” he says firmly. “I’m saying I know what might happen. I know it won’t be easy and it’s going to be terrifying for both of us. But I stillwantto be with you. And there’s a part of me, a really big part if I’m honest, that’s afraid you’re going to walk away just because you think I can’t handle it or something.”
“It’s not that I think you can’t handle it. It’s that I don’t…” I stop, searching for the words. “I never wanted this. I never wanted my independence to be slowly stripped away or to have to rely on others, and when this progresses—”
“Then I’ll step in and help because that’s what partners do.”
“But you shouldn’t have to.”
“You shouldn’t have to go through it either,” he says simply. Fletcher lowers his voice. “You’ve been dealt a shitty hand, but that doesn’t mean you need to make it shittier by refusing yourself joy.”
I look away.
“You need to trust me, okay? You’renota burden to me. You’re the opposite. Being with you… I can’t even describe it. You give me something no one else has.”
I study his face, thinking about all the times he’d given himself to me, even before we knew what our relationship could be. Is he saying he gets something out of this too?
“Please don’t push me away,” he whispers. “I want to be with you, Vince.”
I want to say yes. I want to lean in, promise him I’ll be around forever. But how can I when I still don’t know what comes next?This illness might progress to the point I don’t even recognize myself in two years. Will he still want me then?
I sigh. “It’s not just the MS that’s bothering me.”
“What do you mean?”
I pull my knee up, resting an arm on it. “Ace came in for the concert the other day.”
Fletcher stills, but slowly nods. “Yeah, I saw him.”
“He got his dream job working on motorcycles.”
Fletcher’s brows knit together. “And that made you realize you want to change jobs or something?”
I drop my head back against the wall. How can I explain this without sounding as pathetic as I feel?
“It made me realize I’ve never had a dream like that,” I say finally. “I was never allowed to. My parents…” I fist my hand, anger coursing through me. “From a young age, I was told to join the army as soon as I was eighteen. It’s what they did, and their parents before them, so I was expected to follow in their path.”
Fletcher folds his legs, keeping his hand on my thigh. “And it wasn’t for you, was it?”
I glance at him. “I hated it. Truly hated it. But whenever I thought about leaving…” I shake my head. “I just couldn’t do it. Not until my dad died. Then the pressure to continue died with him, and I got out as soon as I could. Floated between jobs. Did whatever I had to do to pay rent.”
For over a decadeis the part I don’t say. Twelve years I’ve been floating… and for what? To end up lost? Living paycheck to paycheck?
I scrub my face. “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life now.”
He doesn’t reply right away, eyes searching mine. “Do any of us, though?”
I laugh.
“I’m serious. Does anyone really know what they’re doing in life? I sure as fuck don’t.”
I give him a skeptical look.
