Toys clanked. Bells chimed. A weird little squirrel thing with a ball attached to its paws rolled out of control in the corner. One of the toddlers had some plastic lawnmower thing that he kept pushing around the tight space of the coffee table, the plastic blocks inside it popping likegrenades.
He should have rethought his decision to make an appearance. Cord sidestepped a toddler, leaned to the left to catch his balance and swooped up the stroller. Somehow, he managed to make it to the front porch without stepping on any free-hanging toes or fingers. He sat the stroller down and blew out a breath as the front door snapped shut behindhim.
“You sure you’re ready for this?” Mack Grey, his CO, stood propped against one of the poles of the white front porch pole, completelyrelaxed.
“Yep. I’m heading outtoday.”
“You went through some bad shit over there. No one would blame you if you needed more time to regroup.” Mack’s steely gray eyes were windows to his soul of steelydetermination.
“I was ready months ago, I told youthat.”
“Your counselor seems to think you’ve been avoiding yourproblems.”
“Can’t avoid this.” Cord lifted his rightleg.
Mack scowled. “I’m not talking about the metal. I’m talking about how you gotit.”
A cold chill crept up his spine. The same one that had been there for months. “Mack, we’ve all been in tough situations. It’s called war for a reason. I knew what I signed upfor.”
“Knowing that and getting blown up are two differentthings.”
“You act like that was the first time I’d been in anambush.”
“It was the first time you didn’t come back in one piece. You lost your unit and your leg. That’s not something anyone gets over easily,” Macksaid.
Cord straightened from the pole and paced down the porch, unable to look Mack in the eye. It wasn’t like he didn’t have nightmares about it, but he wasn’t about to sit on the sidelines and waste away either. He only knew how to do one thing, and he did it well. He needed to be allowed to keep doing it. “I need this, Mack. Don’t take it fromme.”
“What if you have a flashback in the heat of the moment? Will you be able to handle it?” Mack asked firmly, yet gently, letting Cord know he wasn’t homefree.
Cord leveled a hard stare at his CO. “And this gig in Texas is going to tell you that? It’s a cake mission and you know it. Vandalism at a ranch in the middle of nowhere. Tell you what, if I can’t handle this, you have my permission to pull me from theteam.”
Mack tapped his finger on his chin and narrowed his gray eyes. “Don’t think Iwon’t.”
He was testing him. Cord knew it, but it didn’t soften his irritation. “I’m getting sick and tired of you and the guys treating me like half a man. I can shoot just as good as I could before, in fact, I’ve improved my accuracy by a fullmillimeter.”
“I’m not worried about your skills with the rifle, Cord. I’m worried about you. You barely talk to your team anymore and they’ve all been out to visit. Multiple times. You look like you’re ready to run at a moment’s notice. Recovery isn’t just about physical stamina. It’s about reintegrating with your friends and family. Hell, I’m not even sure you’re ready to go toTexas.”
His irritation turned to full-blown fury in a second. Cord jerked his hand in the direction of the party still happening inside. “Anyone would be uncomfortable in there. It’s a zoo. I tried to talk to Ranger and Hoyt, but all they can do is worry about theirwives.”
Mack grimaced and, sensing his faint toehold, Cord pressed his case. “I need this, Mack. I need to do this to prove to you that I’m ready.”To prove to myself that I’m ready.“Please don’t take it backnow.”
Mack stared him down, trying to see beyond the thick wall of defense Cord was steadily building up against him. “I’m not taking it back. I made a decision and I’m sticking with it, despite the fact that your counselor at Benning suggested you weren’tready.”
“Reid?”
Mack gave a measurednod.
Rage ripped through him, but Cord forced a blank expression. He knew what Mack needed to hear. “You know those behavioral health types—they think you have to cry and confess every single regret in your life to a bloody stranger. I don’t roll that way and you know this wasn’t my first rodeo into death and decapitation. That shit doesn’t bother me. It’s my job to put myself in that situation. I signed up for it because I was born forit.”
Grey pinned him to the spot with his razor-sharp gaze. “No nightmares? No surprise memories catch you offguard?”
Some.But he wasn’t about to let them get to him, and more than he thought Ranger should let his dark thoughts control him. “Nope. Not one.” Cord knocked on his head. “Thick skull,remember?”
Mack skimmed a hand over his silvery hair. “She thinks you’ve repressed your PTSD to the point that itwillboil over at some point, possibly the next time you’re in a dangerousassignment.”
A cold black shroud blanketed Cord’s insides. Tamera Reid knew absolutely nothing about losing friends, brothers. “And you believeher?”
Mack paused so long Cord had to fight to hold his position on theporch.
Finally, his CO said, “I don’t think she has a fucking clue, but I do. You suffered a huge loss—the kind that normally drives men to seek discharge, not to try hard as hell to get backin.”
“This is my life, Mack. I don’t belong here,” Cord gestured to the half-open window, showcasing the melee of babies and women and doting husbands. “I’ll never belong here. And I sure as hell don’t belong in some forgotten VA rehab unit talking about my regrets in the field.” Cord had to swallow down the huge lump of sandpaper forming in this throat. “Once a sniper, always a sniper. You knowthat.”
And maybe, just maybe, he could actually feelaliveagain if he were allowed to work. Not like the wasted away shell of a wounded warrior who used to be thebest.
“Cord,” Mack hesitated a second. “This is your only shot. If anything goes wrong at the ranch, I’ll have no choice but to recommend a full medicaldischarge.”
