I want to scream, but I don’t. I just stand there, paralyzed by the gravity of it all. The worst part? I know she’s right. I messed up. The crash is not something I can take back. I can’t bring Jackson back. I can’t undo any of this.
“I’m not saying I forgive you, Cole,” she continues, her voice quieter now. “But you’re my son. And I’ll fight for you. We’ll do everything we can.”
I nod, but it feels hollow. I want to tell her I’m sorry. I want to promise her I’ll make things right. But I don’t know how. How do you make up for something like this? How do you livewith yourself when you know you’re the reason someone’s dead?
I feel like a stranger in my life now. My whole life has flipped upside down, and I’m just drifting in the middle of it, powerless to stop the chaos.
The officer steps forward, signaling that it’s time for her to leave. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Parker, but we need to process him now.”
I look at my mom one last time. Her face is a mask of pain and love, and I can’t stand that I’ve put her through this.
“I’ll be back,” she says, her voice strong despite the tears in her eyes. “We’ll get through this, okay? I love you, Cole.”
“I love you, too,” I whisper back, but it feels empty. Like the words don’t mean enough anymore.
They take me away, handcuffed again, and I feel a hollow emptiness settle over me as they lead me down the cold hallways. My heart pounds in my chest, each step feeling heavier than the last. The door to the holding cell slams shut behind me, and I finally let myself collapse onto the bench inside.
I think of Kenna—what I’ve done to her. What she must think of me now. I can’t fix this. I can’t undo the damage. And I don’t know how I’m going to live with myself when everything I love is slipping away.
In the silence of that cell, I finally let myself break.
Chapter Twenty-One
13 GOING ON PANIC
KENNA-PAST
The bell rings,signaling the end of another school day, and I can’t help but exhale a breath of relief. I grab my bag and start heading toward the door, but not before giving Cole a quick glance. He’s sitting with some guys, laughing about something that sounds like inside jokes, and I feel a strange pang in my chest. I hate that I’m going to miss him tonight. But I also know that I promised Millie and Lucie a sister night, and I can’t back out on that.
The parking lot is full of cars as everyone rushes to leave for the weekend. The air is crisp. The sun beginning to dip behind the trees, casting long shadows across the pavement. I get into my car, pull my seatbelt on, and start the engine. My hands grip the wheel tightly as I head out of the school parking lot, the weight of the decision I made earlier creeping back into my thoughts.
Did I make the right call?I wonder, turning onto the main road.
I glance at the phone in my lap. The temptation to text Cole hits me, but I push it away. I’ve already made my choice. I promised my sisters we’d have a night together, and I don’t want to backtrack just because I’m missing him. Besides, I know Cole will understand.
I take a deep breath as I think about the evening ahead. I’m looking forward to spending time with Millie and Lucie, but there’s this quiet ache in my chest that I can’t ignore. It’s not just that Cole isn’t here—it’s the fact that we’ve had this unspoken tradition of spending our Fridays together, and now it’s just…different.
Shaking my head, I try to push the thought away. I’m being silly. My sisters and I are going to have a great night. I’ll text Cole later, maybe after the movie. It’ll be fine.
As I drive, I make a quick decision to stop by the market on the way home. I pull into the lot and cut the engine, heading straight for the flowers. Millie always talks about how much she loves camellias, how they remind her of the soft beauty in the world. I find the perfect bunch and smile, knowing how happy they’ll make her. For Lucie, I pick out a bouquet of daisies. Simple, but always bright and cheerful. They’ve been Lucie’s favorite for as long as I can remember.
The market is quiet. The air smells faintly of fresh produce and flowers. I wander down the aisles, picking up snacks we’ll enjoy—chips, cookies, candy. These are the kinds of treats we always indulge in when we have these nights together. I grab everything in one go, heading for the register and paying with a quiet smile. It’s nice to do something for them, to show them how much they mean to me.
Still, as I stand in the checkout line, my gaze drifts to the door. Part of me keeps expecting Cole to come walking in—flashing that sideways grin of his, teasing me for buying too many snacks like he always does. The memory stings a little too sharply around the edges.
As I’m driving home, I glance at the clock. It’s still early enough for the night to feel like it has potential. When I pull into the driveway and park, I’m greeted by the sound of my brothers getting ready to head out for the party. I watch them through the window as they rush around, grabbing their jackets and talking about what they expect from the night.
It stings a little, I’ll admit.Why am I not with Cole right now?I wonder for the hundredth time. I miss him. I want to be with him. But I can’t ignore the promise I made to Millie and Lucie.
After checking out, I load the flowers and snacks into the car and head home. The drive feels a little less lonely now. The thought of surprising my sisters with a special night is enough to push the feeling of missing Cole to the back of my mind.
Grabbing the bags, I head inside after parking in the driveway. I can hear my brothers getting ready to leave—probably for Cole’s party. I pause just for a moment at the door. A lump forms in my throat as I think about Cole again. It’s silly, I know. He’s going to have a blast without me, and I’ll be fine here with Millie and Lucie. But that doesn’t stop the emptiness that seems to grow inside me every time I think about him.
As I walk in, Reuben looks up from where he’s gathering his things to leave. He’s got that knowing look on his face, the one he always gives me when something’s wrong. Though he’s my older brother, we’ve always had an unspoken connection. Reuben has always sensed when I’m off, and right now, I feel like I’m walking around with a weight I can’t shake.
“You alright, Kenna?” he asks, raising an eyebrow as he glances over at me.
I shrug, even though the feeling in my chest won’t go away. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I say. But even as the words leave my mouth, I can tell they sound hollow. “I just…I feel bad. Cole invited me to the party tonight, but I told him no. I promised Millie and Lucie that we’d have a sister night. I’m going to miss him, though. We usually hang out on Fridays.”
