The man has no self-preservation instincts whatsoever.
"Who put you up to this?" I ask.
"Nobody. I volunteered you. Spontaneously. Out of the goodness of my heart."
"Aiden."
"Also Derek has a ring light in his truck and he's very excited, so I'd consider the window for objecting to be mostly closed."
Derek appears around the back of the engine at that exact moment, carrying what can only be described as an aggressively cheerful quantity of filming equipment. He's got a tripod over one shoulder, a ring light that could guide ships through fog, and an expression of pure, uncut creative energy that I find threatening.
"Cap!" he announces. "We're making content."
The wordcontentlands in the apparatus bay and dies a quiet death.
"We are not," I say.
"We very much are." Derek sets the ring light down and begins unfolding the tripod. "Chief's orders. Fire safety TikTok. Three takes max, I've already written the script."
"There's a script?"
"Loose outline. Very organic."
"Derek."
"Just stand there and look—" He pauses, appearing to search for a diplomatic word. "—authoritative. You're a natural."
Aiden nods. "You've got incredible resting authority face."
"That's not a compliment."
"It one hundred percent is."
Twenty minutes later, I'm in full turnout gear in the apparatus bay in front of a ring light powerful enough to interrogate a war criminal, while Derek adjusts his phone angle and Aiden offers what he refers to as "creative direction," which consists of telling me to look less like I've been subpoenaed.
"Can you maybe relax your jaw?" Derek suggests.
"My jaw is relaxed."
"It's really not, Cap."
"Shoulders down," Aiden adds. "You look like you're bracing for impact."
"I am bracing for impact."
Derek hits record. "Okay! Take one. Cap, just introduce yourself, tell people one fire safety tip, and then we'll?—"
"I feel like an idiot," I say.
"Cut," says Derek. "That was good energy though."
"That was not good energy. That was a statement of fact."
"The energy behind it was great." Derek is already resetting. "Take two. Just be natural. You're Beck Delano, fire captain, you're good at your job, you know a lot about fire. Just talk about fire."
I talk about fire. For fifteen seconds, in a flat, monotone delivery that Aiden later describes as "haunted but educational," before Derek calls cut and he and Aiden have a brief conference in lowered voices that they think I can't hear, because Aiden says "he looks like he's about to announce a fatality" and Derek says "it's fine, it's a vibe" and Aiden says "it is not a vibe."
Take three, I try to appear more approachable. According to Derek's viewing of the footage afterward, the result is that I appear to be experiencing moderate gastrointestinal discomfort while delivering a public service announcement.
