Though her sobs quieted as he carried her to the kirk, she still cried, still clung to him.
His grip tightened as he sat and settled against the kirk wall, and with her tucked in his embrace, let her cry out her grief.
* * *
Sean wasnaesure how long he’d been holding Kenna. Though he treasured having her in his arms, ’twas pure anguish to witness her pain and no’ be able to help her. Finally, exhaustion won out and she fell asleep. He listened to her deep, even breaths, content to sit here for eternity if ’twould bring her some peace and let her rest. She seemed to be existing on sheer will and determination. He worried about her level of exhaustion and hadnae yet seen her eat more than a few bites at a time.
Finally, she stirred, shifted a little and raised her head. Blinking over puffy, swollen eyes, she glanced up at him. “I’m so sorry. I must have fallen asleep.”
“Dinnae be sorry. Ye needed the rest.” He kissed her forehead. She looked so fragile, though he knew ’twas no’ true.
“Ye also need tae eat somethin’. Ye cannae be of any help tae yer family if ye dinnae have the strength tae accomplish what needs doin’, once ye get there.”
“Help?” Kenna moaned. “I’ve failed them, Sean. So much time has passed. ’Tis foolish tae think all the horror in my world stopped, just because I’ve been trapped in another.”
She pushed her hair from her face and moved to sit beside him. Blinking rapidly, she swiped at her eyes and made a scornful sound. “Ye’d think I wouldnae have any tears left.”
“There’s naught wrong with shedding tears, Kenna. ’Tis no’ a sign of weakness. Just yer body’s way of releasing some of the anguish yer soul is feelin’.”
Her brow scrunched. “Ye continue tae amaze me, Sean McCulloch. How did a warrior acquire that kind of insight?”
“Experience?” He brushed a stray lock from her cheek and trailed a finger along the curve of her jaw. “I admit tae sheddin’ my share o’ tears. My soul grieves knowin’ I barely found ye, Kenna, and I’m already losing ye. And all the while, knowin’ ’tis the way it must be.”
Taking her hand, he pressed a kiss to her palm. “But no matter how may tears I shed o’er ye—because there will be more, I’m sure of it—I’ll ne’er regret a single one.”
He threaded his fingers through hers, reflecting on all the misgivings, mistakes, and heartache he’d both witnessed and endured. “There were times, trapped on the moor, that I yearned for a physical body, just so I could release some of the sorrow my soul carried. And sometimes, even now, that sadness leaks out, unbidden.”
Kenna squeezed his hand. “Forgive me, Sean. I’ve been so caught up in my own problems, I’ve selfishly ignored the notion that ye might be suffering with yer own.” She frowned. “I ken I’ve done the same tae Owen. Even though I know he just lost his wife, I’ve worried more about myself.”
“No’ yerself, Kenna. Yer family. ’Tis different. Naught that Owen and I sorrow over can be changed. But ye’ve still a chance tae help yer family. Ye must take it. Ye must keep trying. I ken what ’tis like tae live with the consequences of no’ doin’ therightthing, when ’tis needed.”
She studied his face. “What do ye mean?”
Could he tell her? Share his shame and risk her scorn? But he needed her to understand why—despite his love for her—he wouldnae fight for her to stay.
“ ’Tis difficult tae speak of, even after all this time, so I’m goin’ tae tell it as quickly as I can, and be done wi’ it.” What he’d done—hadnae done—weighed heavy enough on his soul, wi’out bringing it to the surface and breathing life into it, all over again.
“I journeyed tae Culloden with several others. We were young, brash, and in a terrible hurry; afraid the fightin’ would start wi’out us. We mostly ate in the saddle, only stoppin’ long enough tae rest the horses. We’d been traveling for days. We were tired, impatient, and Culloden was close. We kenned if we pushed hard, we could make it by nightfall, have a real meal, a fire tae warm us, and a decent night’s sleep.”
Sean paused, needing a fortifying breath before he could voice the rest. “We were passing through a wee village I still dinnae ken the name of, pushing hard. My mount was weary, and I’d fallen behind. The others were gallopin’ ahead—yellin’ for me tae keep up, that they’d no wait for me—when a woman ran from an alley intae the road, screamin’ for help. She was clearly terrified, desperate tae escape the two men who chased her. Even at a glance, their intent was perfectly clear. She ran toward me, begging for my help, pleadin’ wi’ me tae stop. Tae save her.”
Sean coughed, trying to clear the bile from his throat that still rose when he thought of all hedinnaedo that day. Closing his eyes, he forced the words out. “I looked at that poor woman’s face, saw her terror, kenned what was in store for her. Then I saw my companions disappearing into the trees far down the road and Ispurred my horse.”
Moaning over the painful knot in his chest, he tried to continue. He needed to admit his guilt, so Kenna would understand the kind of man he really was. “Ichoseno’ tae be inconvenienced by that poor woman’s plight, even knowin’ what would likely happen tae her. I shamefully justified my actions by tellin’ myself there were other people in the village tae help her. And though I regretted my choice even before I reached my companions, I dinnae go back. Even when I might still have saved her, I chosemyinterests over her welfare.”
Kenna dinnae stir. Nor did she say anything. Sean wished she’d rail at him. Call him all the vile names he’d already called himself.
“I lived with the weight of that woman’s suffering on my conscience the remaining weeks of that short life. I deserved tae die on Culloden for the harm I allowed tae come tae her. And I bore that guilt during all those years as a ghost, tethered tae Culloden Moor, and I carry it still, in this life.”
Clearing his throat, he blew out a breath. “Our souls go on, but with all the good and bad we’ve accumulated along the way. My soul is stone-heavy with regret. I dinnae want that for ye, Kenna. Ye must go and do what ye can for yer family. We must find a way for ye tae go before I weaken and choose myself over ye, and over them, and ask ye tae stay. Ye understand now, that I’m no’ the kind of man ye should sacrifice anything for. Least of all, yer family.”
He rose, needing to move. Needing to shake off the dark shadows he’d brought to light.
“Wait,” Kenna leaned forward. “Sean, ye’re agoodman. The kindest, most selfless man I’ve ever known. Ye’ve done naught but care for me and try tae help me, since ye first saw me. Please. Ye must let go of the past. The man I care for has a selfless heart and there’s naught ye can say tae convince me otherwise. Even Owen has taken tae ye,” she grinned. “That should be proof enough.”
Sean’s laugh was choked and painful. Somehow, regardless of his dark tale, Kenna hadnae judged him. Could redemption really be possible?
Och! Enough of him. ’Twas Kenna’s future that mattered. “Ye must eat something, or ye’ll be so weak our efforts tae get ye home, will be wasted. I’ll fetch the basket.”
