Hanging out with Carli again was an honour Niall never imagined he would again be granted, and, honestly, he wasn’t sure he deserved it. The visit to her mum’s bench had driven this home. How could he comfort Carli when he was no better than the person who’d killed her mother? And when he was keeping that very fact from her.
But how could he turn down the opportunity to spend more time with her? It was a no-brainer.
Chapter 15
Carli
Scotland’s scenery provided a luxury wallpaper to the drive along winding country roads. Carli would never tire of the rolling green and purple hills and the petrol blue lochs dotted across the landscape. Never bore of seeing kestrels and eagles soaring overhead and pheasants with their beautiful blue, green and orange plumage darting in and out of hedgerows.
At around 4.00 p.m. Niall pulled the car into the loch-side campsite. There was no one else here and the late September sun was hanging low in the sky and hinting at its imminent descent behind the mountains.
They leaned in silence on the bonnet of the car, soaking in the view.
‘I’d like to go sit by the loch for a bit and say hi to Mum,’ said Carli. ‘Before dark.’
‘Of course. Will you be okay on your own?’
It was kind of him, but Carli had to do this alone. ‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘I’m going to sit by the loch and eat biscuits, because that’s what she liked to do.’
He smiled tenderly. ‘That’s sweet. If you want some company, later, I can join you.’
‘I’d like that, thanks.’ Carli found a packet of Hobnobs in her backpack and made her way down the stony path towards the loch, glad of the small comfort in a difficult time.
‘Hey, take this,’ Niall, holding a small cushion, called her back. She was grateful for his thoughtfulness. Sitting on a cold, hard rock wasn’t a good idea. ‘I’ll put these tents up while I can still see,’ he added, ‘and then I’ll get the stove on and make you a cup of tea.’
By the loch’s edge, Carli placed the cushion on a smooth rock, sat and clasped the packet of biscuits. The peaceful blue water lapped soothingly at the pebbled shoreline, almost hypnotic in its rhythm.
‘Hi, Mum,’ she ventured the words, so unfamiliar nowadays. As time passed, these out-loud one-sided conversations happened less and less. And coming back to the place she, Luci and her dad had brought her mum’s ashes three months after she’d died, the guilt of having not remembered her with enough commitment hammered at Carli.
‘I miss you, Mum,’ she whispered. ‘I wish I could come here more often.’ Tears stung her eyes and she tried to battle them back with a joke. ‘If customs would let me, I’d bring back a flask of loch water and keep you by my side. I’d have to freeze it to keep it fresh, but you wouldn’t mind because you liked the cold.’ Carli shivered, wondering how long Niall would be with that cup of tea. ‘Luci’s sorry she couldn’t come, but she’s having a baby now and can’t travel. You probably know that already. When the baby’s older, she’ll bring them here and show them your home country. We love you, Mum. I love you.’ Carli wiped her face with the back of her hand, the breezy, conversationalwords having done nothing to stem the bittersweet emotion.
‘Anyway.’ She rubbed her foot over a flattish piece of ground. ‘I don’t want to get too sad because you weren’t a fan of sentimentality, so I’ll crack open the biccies, shall I?’ Gazing up at the already darkening, smoky sky, Carli raised the packet of Hobnobs to the incipient sketching of the moon. ‘Cheers. I got the plain ones for you, even though chocolate are way better.’
It was a repartee her mum would have relished, but Carli could only imagine the response. “That’s the problem with the world today: everyone wants chocolate-coated everything, but I suppose I’ll manage to eat them.” Then she’d have bitten into the biscuit and chewed with relish.
Carli sighed. The loch lapped unobtrusively. She preferred it that way, not wishing to notice ripples or a whispering in the wind that she could take as a sign of her mum. Being here was enough.
Time ticked on, the inkiness of evening sank in, a heron skittered across the loch and Carli absentmindedly worked her way through the Hobnobs. She wasn’t sure how long she’d been sitting there when there was a crunching on the path and she turned to see Niall carrying two cups of tea.
‘Any biscuits left?’ he asked.
She looked down at the packet.
‘Some.’
He perched on the rock next to her. ‘You okay?’
‘Yeah, bit emotional, but I stuffed my face with biccies because when I cried, Mum would ply me with Hobnobs. I miss her like it was yesterday, even after all this time.’ She sniffed her cup, a sudden thought gripping her. ‘Did you use the loch water for the tea?’
‘Aye, you bring it to a rolling boil for a minute,’ Niallsaid, clearly misinterpreting what she was getting at. ‘Won’t kill any chemicals, but all the wee beasties will be gone.’
‘Ah!’ Carli lifted her cup towards the loch. ‘Well, here’s to a cup of my mum.’
‘Oh shit!’ Niall threw his own cup down, stood up and reached out. ‘It didn’t cross my mind. So sorry, Cass. Give it back to me.’
She shook her head and smiled. ‘To be honest, neither did I until now. But Mum would’ve found this hilarious so I’m drinking it. It’s not like her ashes are still floating about in there, is it? They’ll have been eaten and pooped out by fishes a long time ago.’
‘Um…’ Niall scrutinised her, probably wondering if her black humour was cause for concern. ‘Are you sure?’
