Luci dismissed this with another extravagant handgesture, huffed into a chair next to her sister and rubbed at Glen’s neck. ‘Things are peachy, honest. I’m more worried about you. Are you going to be okay on this trip by yourself? It’s a big old undertaking in your condition.’
Carli laughed. ‘We’re not both in a condition. I’m not pregnant or dying. I can cope. I had the last of my intensive block of oxygen sessions yesterday and my pain is low. And I’ve got my backup pain meds. It’s all good.’
Luci looked up from Glen and scrutinised her sister. ‘Okay, it’s your body, but, listen, you can still back out. Next year on Mum’s sixty-first birthday we can go together. You go to Italy for her sixtieth and FaceTime me from a beach instead of sitting by a misty loch in the freezing cold, alone. You know how you are with the cold.’
When Luci put it like that, Carli saw how she was almost being masochistic in her desire to travel to her mum’s homeland and honour her memory on the day she would have turned sixty. But there was a pull tugging Carli to Scotland that Luci either didn’t have or couldn’t address because of her pregnancy. Shewantedto gaze across a misty loch on her mum’s birthday. That was exactly what she needed to do. And doing it alone was fine.
‘It’s all good, Luce. It’s the medicine I need. I’ve packed plenty of warm clothes.’
‘And what abouthim?’ Luci pinpointed her sister with an inquiring gaze.
‘Jonah? You’re really concerned about his welfare, huh?’
‘No, not fucking Jonah. Who are you trying to kid? This trip must be bringing up thoughts ofhim.’
‘Him? I’m sorry, I’ve no idea who you mean.’
‘Oh, come on. You’re heading to Scotland – to the Butlers’ – in a few days. There is no way he isn’t on your mind.’
‘Oh, you mean Niall?’ Carli lifted her glass to drink but mainly to cover her face.
‘Yes, I mean Niall, yes, yes. Stop all this pretending.’ Luci came to her sister, took the glass and placed it on the table.
‘I wasn’t. Or thinking about him.’ Carli blinked so hard that it was like her eyelashes were subliminally trying to tell her she was lying to herself.
‘Carls, be careful.’
‘He’s not going to be there,’ said Carli. ‘I wouldn’t go if he was.’ Eilidh Butler had invited her to the family party when she’d found out that Carli was visiting Scotland. There was no way she’d have agreed to attend if Niall was attending. Seventeen years ago, aged sixteen, Niall had hurt her beyond anything she’d known, aside from her mother’s death. He’d done so while she was grieving and left her with scars she still carried to this day. Scars that if they’d been words etched into her skin would have spelled out ‘Opening your heart means letting in pain’. It had been so bad that she’d cut off his sisters, Eilidh and Cara, for a long time. Whether they knew more about his reasons for ending their relationship, she’d never discussed with them. It was Niall’s place to be honest with her, not his sisters’, but it was awkward having the unspoken hovering between them.
Carli didn’t resent Niall anymore, but she no longer believed she could have that thing she held once as a tender-spirited fifteen-year-old, when she was open and vulnerable. He had been that truly magical thing, who’d flown into her heart after her mum died and began to mend it, like a bird reconstructing a broken nest. The one who’d sat in that nest with her. Cared for it, brought her hope that things could be okay. Different, but okay, because he was there.
Niall had done all that, thenflown from that nest and knocked it to the ground in the process, not even staying to witness it smashing into pieces. And he’d gone off with her hopes and dreams attached to his wings, leaving only his words to haunt her.
I don’t think our love is strong enough to withstand this distance thing. I don’t know what our love is anymore. If it’s even love.
Pathetic.
Niall had made everything better then he’d gone and made it all a million times worse.
Carli had tried so hard to put her shattered pieces back together. She really had. Aged twenty she’d got engaged to someone else, until it was impossible to pretend she felt remotely what she had for Niall. That had at least ended by mutual agreement.
For a long time after Carli had been on her own. And she needed to be. To heal without being hurt again. She had built a cocoon of comforting consistency around herself. Life was vibrant, but it was also safe. Yoga teaching, walks in the park with her dog, coffees with friends. And more recently, since chronic illness had knocked her down, not letting any man get close without holding up a potential trigger warning list for him so he could close the book and stop reading.
Some had stayed, but it never lasted, and Carli had to keep tightening entry requirements to stop herself getting hurt, namely the number of dates before the list got held up.
‘So why isn’t Niall going?’ Luci asked. ‘It’s his dying dad’s birthday, right?’
‘Eilidh says he’s staying in Sydney for work, running his surf school. Guess they’re busy. She says they’re opening franchises all over the country, doing lessons for at-risk kids.’
‘Jesus! No wonder you can’t get over him. He’s surfing Jesus.’
Carli understood what Luci meant. Niall appeared to be an achiever and a good guy, which made things hard.
‘It’s okay. I’m fine with him being surfing Jesus, honest. And I got over him years ago.’
‘It still might be hard, right? Being around the family of surfing Jesus. All those pictures around the place of him catching waves and doing good Samaritan-type things.’
‘Yeah, it might, but I’m a big girl, Luce. I’m not going to be destroyed by some old family snaps of him on the mantelpiece. It might be a bit weird, but I’ll stay a couple of days, then I’ll take my tent, camp by some lochs, get myself invited to some random ceilidhs and have a blast. Did I tell you I’ve spent some of the money Grandma left on this posh train that goes through the Highlands? They have men in kilts serving you breakfast.’
