‘No offence,’ Carli remarked gently, ‘but the mood between you and me isn’t exactly way up in the stars.’
‘True,’ Niall said. ‘And it’s up to me to fix that.’ He rubbed the nape of his neck, staring dead on at the waves crashing onto the shore and breathed deep into his core. Carli could tell how difficult whatever this was for him. Finally, though, he formed words that threw her completely but brought some clarity at last. ‘My best mate died when we were out surfing six months ago.’
‘Oh.’ Carli froze, momentarily thrown. She should know what to say, having experienced grief herself. She moved a little closer to him, resisting the instinct to reach out and hold him, all of him, but touching his arm instead. ‘I’m so sorry. What happened?’
Niall pursed his lips hard, as if the words were too much. It had to hurt.
‘You don’t have to talk about it if it upsets you,’ she said, softly, ‘but I am here to listen, if you do.’
Niall dragged his right foot through the sand, creating a trench. With a hesitance, he began to talk, but as he continued, he fell into more of a flow. He told her about his best friend, Rafe, how they’d started the business together, how they’d complemented each other so well and how he wished he could have saved him when he’d collapsed on the beach one morning. And he revealed that it should have been himthat died because Rafe was such a good person. Carli listened intently, cut by every shard of Niall’s pain.
‘Rafe was my found family,’ Niall added. ‘When I went to Australia, he was my brother from another mother and all that. Without him, I’m lost out there. I don’t have that foundation anymore. And with my dad being so ill, how much my own family means to me is becoming more and more apparent. So I’m thinking of moving back here.’
This was monumental. Niall was at a crossroads in his life where he had to make a decision for his own wellbeing. Moving back to Kinshore after all this time would be huge, but with losing his best friend, being so far from family, and his father dying, it was a completely understandable choice.
‘Niall, I am so sorry,’ she said when the only sound was the rush of the waves once more. ‘That’s devastating, and I understand why you’d want to be here with your family.’
‘Thanks, Cass. Aye, my head’s a wee bit full with all the ins and outs.’
‘Of course it is.’ And Carli recognised that it didn’t matter if there could still be something between them because he had far bigger problems than a dusty old relationship from nearly two decades ago. The best thing she could do was be a supportive friend.
‘I do get it to a certain extent,’ she said. ‘I lost my mum, I was shuffled back and forth between Scotland and Australia all my childhood, and I understand how unsettling it is to not be on a sure footing. All I can say about the grief is that it will get better. It will always be with you, but you will learn to live with it. Maybe you should talk to a mental health professional. Get prepared for… your dad. Do therapy online, even.’
Niall laughed, but shedidn’t find it cute.
‘What?’
‘Och, nothing. You know what makes me not want to do therapy? The amount of people banging on about doing therapy. It feels like mental health awareness week every week.’
‘Maybe you should bang on about it. Maybe it needs to be.’
‘Aye, I’m sure I do, but I’m not a fan of talking about it all the time or labelling it mental health or mental hygiene or whatever the latest hashtag is.’
‘Oh, right. Well, hashtag let’s bury it and never talk about it again.’
Niall raised his palms in mock defence. ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘I get that you’re trying to help.’
‘It’s fine. I appreciate you’ve got hang-ups and I empathise, I do. But let’s not forget that I’m standing here trying to support someone who dumped me because they didn’t love me anymore. Or was it because he couldn’t be fucked with distance anymore? I’m really not sure. Never have been.’
‘Oh, Cass, I’m sorry. Look, I want to talk to you about us. I just wasn’t expecting to have to, and it hasn’t been the right time yet. Does that make sense?’
‘Yep. Believe me, there hasn’t been a moment since I got here that I’ve wanted to talk about it either. This is my holiday and a trip to remember my mum, not how much you hurt me.’
‘I get it. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for what I put you through when you were grieving. I let you down at the hardest time in your life. I need to shoulder the responsibility for my part in making it harder. Be the man around here.’
Carli couldn’t help but consider that Niall was definitely the man around here. She’d never admit it to him,but Niall’s brooding demeanour, the tense jaw and the traditional Scottish dress made him smoulderingly hot. And he was obviously having a tough time, which she’d always had a soft spot for.
‘It’s okay,’ she said. ‘It’ll happen.’
Recognising her softening, Niall took his cue. ‘Cass,’ he dragged his gaze slowly over her face like he derived both pleasure and pain from looking at her, ‘you’re beautiful. Seeing you again is incredible. I feel this… I don’t know… but it’s like a tsunami pulling at me. I thought what we had before was strong – but now… Maybe it’s an injection of being an adult, but fucking hell!’
Carli ran her tongue over her upper teeth and uttered a reluctant, ‘I know.’
‘You do? You feel it too?’
‘Of course I do, but there’s a bible of unspoken stuff between us, Niall.’
‘Aye. And I haven’t even asked if?—’
