‘I’m not denying how I feel,’ she said. ‘You shouldn’t deny your own emotions either. Let me go and you’ll have space to work on what’s driving your mind, your heart.’
‘Look, if there was anything that drove me tonight, it wasn’t my feelings for Katie. It was my feelings for––’
‘Please, Jamie. Stop.’ Alicia zipped up her case and whipped it upright, and lifted her smaller bag. Jamie reached out and she jolted with fear. ‘Don’t try to stop me,’ she said.
‘I’m not trying to stop you, you numptie. I’m trying to carry your bags.’
‘Oh, sorry.’
He stood in front of her now. But instead of taking her luggage into his hands, he took her face.Oh, my God. All she could do was stand there and let him. She had neither the physical or emotional capability to fight this gesture.
‘Alicia,’ Jamie said, as she let herself meethis ardent gaze. ‘It’s no exaggeration to say that I am destroyed you’re leaving, and I’m going to say this in case I don’t get another chance. Please just listen.’ He ran his thumb tenderly over her cheekbone, the lines between his eyebrows creasing with confusion and hurt that he was talking to her like this at all. ‘When I met you, a month ago, all these feelings I was living in blissful ignorance of blew in like that blizzard we got caught in at the bothy. Suddenly, I was hit with what I’d been missing out on all these years. By missing out, I mean missing out on having you, not just on the feelings, because I cannot imagine for a second being out of my mind like this for anyone else. It’s no word of a lie to say that if I had to wait until I was eighty years old to meet you, and we only had a year together, or a week or even a day, I would wait and I would bask in every second of the time because you, Alicia Jansen, are the only woman for me. The only one. End of.’
Holy smokes! This man and his words. Alicia wished there was something more stable to grip onto than her bags because he had well and truly thrown her off balance. She could grip onto him. Drop the bags and let him scoop her into his arms. Let it all go. Let herself be loved by him because she was pretty sure she loved… No. She couldn’t.
Alicia passed the bag she was holding to Jamie.
Hope sparked across his face.
‘Thank you for offering to carry this,’ she said, her soul cracking at having given him that spark of optimism.
‘Oh.’ Jamie took the bag and, although she had snatched his hope, he would not let her steal away from his gaze. ‘Just so you know,’ he said, pinning her to the spot. ‘I will be trying to work out how we get over this. Don’t think for a second I’m letting you slope out of my life for good.’
‘Oh, Jamie.’ Why was he so determined to make thiswork? Why was he so wonderful? Why was it not possible that she could have him?
‘Really? “Oh Jamie” again?’
‘Sorry. My bad.’ Alicia raised her palm to this sensational man’s cheek and let it linger for a moment to feel the real Scotsman under his rough stubble. So much about Jamie was amazing –his humour, his tenderness, his strength – but her scars were still open wounds, and she needed him to be fully healed too. To be true to her own needs meant denying herself some of the most life-altering feelings with the most incredible man she’d ever met. That was just the way it was. End of.
Chapter 29
Alicia
When she walked into the arrivals area of LAX at midday two days later, Alicia got sensory overload. Compared to her surroundings for the previous month, there were so many people, so much noise, and things were coming at her from all directions. One of those things was a photographer.Welcome home.
She tipped her head down as the man tried to stick his camera as close to her face as possible.
‘Hey, Alicia, where’ve you been? You had a good vacation? Have you spoken to Chad?’
Alicia pushed on until she could see Sunni standing near the door waiting for her. Thank goodness she’d called her best friend. She could have booked a cab, but was in dire need of a friendly face. It had been next to impossible to sleep on the flight; the events in Kinshore playing on a loop in her mind. That awful man in the bookshop saying those things about her, and the realisation that Jamie might still be hung up on his ex. Had she made the right decision in leaving? Could she and Jamie have worked through things together? Guilt nipped at her conscience, but she wastoo tired to process emotions. The immediate priority was home, shower, and sleep.
‘I am desperate to hear about your vacation,’ Sunni merged onto the freeway, ‘but I can tell you’re in no place to give me the best version of events.’
In the passenger seat, Alicia’s head lolled forward.
‘Woah! What are they giving you in first class these days?’ Sunni asked.
‘Sorry,’ Alicia mumbled. ‘Just…exhausted, you know.’
‘I know, hun. We can catch up when you’ve had a good rest.’
Alicia awoke at six the following morning unable to sleep any longer. The jet lag had decided she was revived enough to cope with the day. Sunni was already up and about making smoothie bowls. Alicia remembered her saying that she would stay over so she could fix breakfast and they could hang out and catch up. It was lovely to have her friend there.
On the veranda, Alicia drank a coffee, the winter Californian sun gently dappling her face. It was lovely but she preferred the Scottish snow or the wild and blustery ocean at Kinshore. In her heart the climate was quintessentially Scottish – cold and bleak – and the tartan ribbon it was all wrapped in was Jamie Butler.
Pushing her hair back off her face, as if that would get rid of the thought, Alicia decided that Jamie would have to be shelved under holiday romance. She would focus on healing and rebuilding, But where to start?
‘So,’ Sunni said, as they ate their smoothie bowls at the kitchen table, ‘you want to chill today?’
