She pursed her lips. She’d said the wrong thing and should stop talking now. Just listen. Because Jamie wasn’t done. He hadn’t even begun.
‘Let me tell you something,’ His voice was muted but the undercurrent was suppressed incandescence, ‘I have spent my entire life intentionally not being like that man. Not that it’s been a struggle. But for you to come in here and make a sweeping statement like that without knowing anything about the situation… I can’t get my head round why you think that’s okay. It’s like’— He gripped the back of his neck as if grasping to articulate the betrayal—‘everything I thought I knew about you is a lie.’
Alicia dropped her gaze to the floor then back up to Jamie. His eyes simmered, awaiting an explanation. She’d messed up and shifted the dynamic between them. Betrayed him by throwing back the trust he’d put in herwhen he’d shared about his biological father. The truth was she’d seen him stand in front of Frank and seen Frank fall, but she hadn’t seen him push Frank and had no right to compare him to a man she had a second hand understanding of.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘Truly, I am. I overstepped into territory I know nothing about.’
Jamie’s chest heaved as he processed her apology. ‘Okay.’ His expression was puzzled but attentive.
‘I do believe you didn’t push Frank,’ she went on. ‘You’re not like that and I got thrown because of things that I’ve been through in the past. So, for that I apologise. But the thing is, you raising your voice in the bookshop was like the actions of a man whose pride was hurt because his girlfriend of ten years moved onto someone new and he still has feelings for her.’ Alicia sounded like an armchair psychologist, but these were her innermost fears.
‘Well, that can only be described as bullshit.’ Jamie stated definitively.
‘But she wounded you by leaving you for him, which is totally understandable because he’s vile, inside and out. And then he goes and gets her pregnant. I get it, Jamie. It would hurt anyone’s pride, but you are in denial if you believe you can stroll away from that and be fine. The proof of that was up there tonight. Maybe you should speak to a counsellor about your repressed feelings.’
‘My repressed f… What? I’m not denying anything, Alicia. The man is a twat. It’s simple. He and Katie are welcome to each other. If you’re looking for more than that, like some tragic, unresolved daddy issues, then you’re going to be digging for a long time. I’m not some wounded animal here. I picked myself up and moved on. That’s it.’
‘Okay.’
‘I sense passive aggressive acceptance.’
‘I’m sorry. I’m just torn here between believing you and feeling like there is something more, something you’re not even telling yourself, never mind me. You seemed angry tonight. That’s a side of you I haven’t seen and I’m not going to lie, I didn’t like it.’
Jamie shook his head in consternation. ‘I don’t pretend to like the vilest man in the village and I’ve got anger issues? Come on, Leesh. I’m letting him and Katie take their time moving out of the house which has been in my family for centuries. Is that the sign of someone with anger issues?’
Alicia stood by the window staring out into the ominous evening, at the ocean curling towards the village in black thunderous crashes. Her emotional compass was telling her to keep moving in this direction. Jamie was resolute, but it all seemed too easily wrapped up in a package ofI’m fine.
‘The truth is, Jamie, I’m getting red flags. Up until tonight, being here with you in Kinshore has felt like the loveliest, safest existence, but tonight was like someone sent me out onto those waves and told me to swim. And you were right there next to me, trying to swim too. Flailing. I don’t feel safe and secure anymore because I know something isn’t right with you, and I can’t rely on you or this place for a sense of security.’
‘Alicia.’ Jamie’s voice cracked. ‘I would always keep you safe. I’d protect you to the ends of the earth. If we were out on those waves, I’d drown saving you. Always.’
‘But I don’t want you to drown saving me. I want us both to be happy on shore. Oh, God, I don’t know. I genuinely do feel so at sea.’
Jamie pressed his palms over his eyes as if tired and hiding from the words he wanted to speak. ‘Okay, look… Have you ever thought…? Oh, God, this is hard to say.’
‘Just say it.’
‘Leesh, you’re incredible. You are. But you’ve as much as said it yourself. The book you’ve got upstairs… Is there any chance that the hurt that guy caused you is making you feel like this?’
‘Like what?’ It was obvious what Jamie was getting at, and it was brave of him to say it. Kind, even. Was she so mired in shame that she couldn’t believe someone loved her and she was pushing at him to create certainty for herself?
‘I can't be sure,’ said Jamie, ‘because I don’t fully understand what’s going on in your head, but perhaps it’s making it harder for you to realise how much I care.’
And there it was. Jamie was steering his analysis of her psyche in exactly the right direction, without saying the dreadedSword. He was right. Shame blocked the route to her accepting that he cared for her. It was such a mess. If she told him he was right then she had to admit quite how much self-reproach she was carrying around, and if she did that, then he might stop caring. It was a lose-lose.
‘Oh, Jamie, I don’t know anymore. All I can say is that I’m completely overwhelmed by all of this. This is meant to be a vacation but I’m exhausted. I think the best thing might be if I catch the first flight back to LA.’
‘What the… ?’ Jamie may as well have been rammed in the gut by a truck, such was the look of shell shock on his face. ‘Come on, at least sleep on it and re-evaluate in the morning.’
But Alicia took the stairs to the bedroom to pack her things. This had to be done quickly or it wouldn’t be done at all. He deserved better than her mess. ‘A clean break is better,’ she said. ‘I’ll get a hotel at the airport and stay there until my flight.’
‘That’s completely unnecessary,’Jamie reasoned as he climbed the stairs after her. ‘There’s a bed here. I’ll sleep in the spare room. If you’re talking about being safe then don’t go out onto those dark, winding roads at this time of year.’
‘It’s fine.’ Alicia began crushing things into her bag, her heart crushing, too, Jamie watching her helplessly. ‘I’ll get a taxi driver who knows the roads. As I said, we need a clean break.’
‘So, if you were to stay the night, I could maybe convince you, which means that you’re denying your feelings by leaving. Don’t do that, Leesh. We have such a good thing here. You’ve loved Kinshore and it loves you. Is going back to LA, where you aren’t even sure you want to live, really the answer?’
His words made absolute sense, but Alicia had to put space between them, until he worked out whatever made him so angry at Frank, and until she sorted out her shame.
