‘Oh, Jamie. I wish I could, but I can’t.’ The words would wedge in her throat. The thought of spewing up what had happened and hearing it all herself, was inconceivable. It would be like listening to your voice on a recording for the first time.
‘Okay.’ Jamie conceded to her wishes. ‘But I’m coming to see if you’re okay later, no arguments.’
Alicia nodded, glad that he cared but thankful she could get out of here. The room reeked of shame – her shame – and neither of them needed to breathe that in.
Back in her lodge, Alicia did the only thing she could think of to block out the visceral self-loathing. She picked up a paintbrush and returned to her landscape. Fortunately, she hadn’t taken all her supplies to Jamie’s. However, pushing away the pain would be doubly difficult because now she was trying to block out two things: the stuff she’d come to Scotland to avoid and Jamie.
At around four, the grey of the sky morphed to an elegant navy and it was too dark for painting. Alicia contemplated the image on the canvas. Considering she’d been in a place of upset, she hadn’t let her emotions supersede the art. A win.
There was a knock at the door. Jamie was standing under the porch light.
Out of sight he was difficult enough to push to the back of her mind, but the man in the flesh was an impossibility. As soon as Alicia opened the door to those earnest featuresand the warm bergamot scent worked its magic, her insides became as marshmallow as the snowy landscape. Jamie Butler did something to her she wasn’t in control of.
‘Hey. Can I come in for a wee bit?’ he asked.
Alicia wanted to say no, but it was too difficult and would be rude.
‘Um… sure.’
‘I wanted to check if you’re okay.’ His brow was lined with concern. ‘Has the time alone helped at all?’
‘Yes, a little,’ she said, softly.
‘I’m sorry if I said anything that offended you.’
‘It doesn’t matter. I’m fine now, truly.’
‘You sure?’
‘Yes.’
‘Alright, well, listen, would you like to have dinner with me? In the restaurant? On me, of course. I’d love your company and hopefully it will help take your mind off things a bit.’
Alicia’s answer should be a reflexive yes but how could she sit in a restaurant with other people? What if Dean and Diana were there? What if Jamie probed her about what he had said to upset her, and she had to tell him and started to cry? Or he reacted in a way that inflamed her shame? Therefore, against all her true desires, she said, ‘Thank you for the offer, but I’m going to eat alone tonight.’
His face fell. ‘Are you sure? I understand that you might not want to hang with the guy who says things to upset you, but I am disappointed, so if there’s anything I can to do persuade you––’
Guilt swooped in like a bird of prey. It wasn’t Jamie’s fault that she had posed for nudes and they’d been leaked on the internet. But how could she make this better? Shouldshe tell him? Why was she so bothered what he thought? It wasn’t like they had a future together.
‘You have nothing to apologise for,’ she said. ‘You didn’t say anything wrong. But what you said brought back a bad memory for me and…’ She stopped. Heart in turmoil. Her private life was smeared all over the internet, yet here she was having to explain it. At the very least, the pictures should do that job for her.
‘What happened, Leesh?’
Leesh? Jamie was calling her Leesh. That should feel nice, but her heart was splintering. Could it be that he had developed a fondness for her – a fondness she was about to shatter with her revelation.
‘Can we sit down?’ Alicia moved to the couch and motioned for Jamie to join her. Despite his proximity, she focused on a vase on the far shelf while she spoke, although it did little to quell the nausea.
‘What you said hit on a nerve,’ she explained. ‘You see… God, this is hard. Like, really hard.’
‘Take your time.’ Jamie laid a brief, but comforting hand on her knee.
‘Okay. It’s like this. Before I left home, I got caught up in some scandal. It’s why I left.’Breathe, breathe, concentrate on the soft curves of the vase. You can do this. He’s just a person.
‘You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to.’ Jamie moved to touch Alicia’s hand but she slid it away, pre-empting his response when he found out she was spread all over the internet in the worst possible way. Coming up in adult searches along with porn stars.
‘No, I do.’ God, how she wished the cup of cold herbal tea on the table was whisky. ‘When I was with Chad, I sent him some photos of me: photos where I wasn’t wearing anyclothes.’ A beat passed as she let the idea settle in Jamie’s mind.
‘Okay.’ He gave little away, instead affording her time and space to talk.
