‘And that was after a serious ticking off from me. I told him never to put us in that position again. Said this was a really important event for you and that it surprised me such a sensitive actor was so unable to read the room. And that the donation would enhance his profile. I think he fancies himself as the next face of Butlers’ whisky when Connor moves on.’
‘Like hell that is happening. But thanks for getting the money out of him. I’m glad you’re still in touch with his weak spots.’ Sean looked down the beach where sea sprayed onto sharp, jutting rocks. ‘Maybe you guys are a good match. A confirmed bachelor and all that. Funsies in the city. Travelling across the world.’ He looked at Cherry to see her gut response.
She shook her head, moved in closer towards him, tinges of sweet summer honeysuckle mingling with the tang of seaweed and saltwater, and placed her palm to his cheek. So warm and dry, a contrast to his cold wet skin. He held his nerve and tried not to shiver.
‘I’m a good match for my husband. I’m so in love with you, Sean.’
Sean nearly staggered back into the sea. That he was not expecting. Blinking, he stared at her in wonder. ‘Jesus, Cherry.’ How was it he was so in love with her, too? Theride he’d been on with her was more tumultuous than the waves he’d almost drowned in.
‘But I need to head away for a bit to sort some things,’ she said.
‘What things?’ She’d told him she loved him, and now she was talking about leaving. Why was this not a shock?
‘I need to see my mum, talk to her about some stuff, think about things somewhere that isn’t here, play some live poker, see some friends. Get some perspective on who I am. Where I fit in. I was grasping at straws with Campbell, and I can’t keep doing things like that. Because, invariably, I end up hurting you, and that’s the last thing I want.’
Sean wedged his board further into the sand. ‘I thought we’d moved forward with this stuff, were making a go of things.’
‘I know, but the thing is, Sean, grief isn’t linear. You should know that. And I don’t even know what I’m grieving half the time. The babies I’ve already lost? The ones I might never have? The mother I may never be, the poker queen I once was, my identity as a woman, the wife I wanted to be to a man I thought was made for me? You. Every precious moment of you. All those tangled strands of grief at once. What happens if I have none of those things at all? Who am I? I’m confused and I’m aching, and I need a break to see it all from a different perspective. And I so truly hope that you’ll be here for me, as my husband, when I come back.’
Sean dug at the wax on his board. ‘If you’re leaving, I’m going to go to Tennessee.’
She searched his face, maybe hoping he was joking. ‘I have to go, but I will be back. I just need some time.’
Sean sighed heavily. ‘Cher, I get that things are difficult for you, but the past few years haven’t been a stroll by the seaside for me either. My dad died, and I’m trying to getmyself through that whilst supporting my family and battling to show you how much you mean to me. But that seems to get forgotten half the time. I’m fucking terrified of losing another person I care about, but you’re wrecking my heart. The thing that makes me so alive is also the thing that’s killing me.’
She wiped her eyes. ‘What are you saying? I’m not welcome back?’
‘I’m saying I’ve given you space and time and patience and love. But for once in my life, I need to put myself first, otherwise I’m going to break and be no use to anyone. And you have no idea what it takes for me to realise, never mind admit, that.’
Sean fixed on her, letting the words sink in. He wasn’t exaggerating when he said that admitting this was huge. Coping had always been the name of his game.
‘Believe it or not, I need you as much as you need me.’ He took a step closer. ‘If you’re sure you’ll be back then why go? You belong here. With me. You know you do.’
She half nodded, half shook her head, seemingly torn, her mascara more smudged than before from the rain and her tears. She swiped at her cheek with the heel of her hand. ‘I can’t lose you, Sean, but I have to do this. For me, for us, to make us stronger.’
‘Trust me, Cherry, you don’t have to do anything for us except stay.’ Sean searched her face, hoping desperately to find even a fragment of hope. ‘I can give you so much, but after everything, I can’t hang on here wondering if you’ll come home.’
‘I… I can’t. Not yet. But I am always here for you, Sean.’
‘Nope, you aren’t.’ Sean slung his board under his arm and started walking up the beach. ‘When exactly are you leaving?’
She followed alongside, matching him pace for pace. ‘I’ll get the bus in the morning.’
Sean didn’t say anything else. What more could he say? This was it. Game over. They’d ridden their wave, come tanking down the side of it, caught another belter for a while, but that had crashed down into itself, and now they were sinking to the ocean floor.
And, like the Titanic, it was time to let it rest.
Chapter 32
Cherry
Cherry’s mind was like a snow globe, except with the snow replaced by driving Scottish rain. Everything was clouded, visibility fogged, and all she wanted was to find her way through the storm to warmth and safety.
To break down the glass barrier that prevented her from getting there.
To Sean.
Because the one thing Cherry knew, clearer than anything else, was how much she loved him.
