‘I’m not going to laugh, Cher. I can assure you of that. Come on.’ Sean craned his neck to meet her eye, and she lifted her head to him.
‘It’s a string of forget-me-nots. In memory of my dad. We used to see them when we walked on Corstorphine Hilltogether. And I wanted to let him know I’d never forget him.’
He smiled.
‘See? Told you it was naff.’
‘It’s not naff at all. Would you show me it again?’
Cherry’s stomach roiled a little at the intimacy of this request. Talking to anyone about her dad was intimate; showing someone the tattoo she had done in his memory was another thing. Sure, it was on display when she wore low-cut jeans, but this, with Sean, it was different.
‘Um, sure. I’ll need to lift my dress up.’ She turned away from him, lifting the hem, the white lace of her underwear very much visible.
Apart from the low, steady breath of her husband as he contemplated her lower back, the room was deathly still. She should feel exposed, but somehow there was no rawness, no vulnerability. Only tenderness.
‘It’s beautiful, Cher. A really lovely tribute.’ Sean’s voice thrummed behind her, through her, mellowing her.
She could tell him the rest now. This was as good a time as any.
‘There are four extra flowers,’ she said, hardly believing herself. ‘Can you see them?’
She couldn’t see his face to give a hint of what he was seeing or thinking, but he must have found the flowers.
‘The white ones?’ he said.
‘Yes, they’re…’ The words hitched in her throat. ‘They represent…my…my babies.’ Pressure surged behind her breastplate. Saying that out loud would never be easy, which was why she rarely did.
Babies. Fine, downy hair, unaffected giggles, chubby arms – those things she longed for, slipping from her grasp every time.
Sean was silent. Cherry drew in a slow breath and wondered if this was a mistake. It was hard enough to deal with her own emotions without having to navigate other people’s difficulties.
But then something happened. It was soft, it was simple, but it meant the entire world.
‘Can I touch them?’
Oh, Jesus!No one had ever asked that before. No one. Not even Dale. But Sean wasn’t Dale; that was very clear. Cherry managed a nod. Then she felt the pad of his thumb on the small of her back, assured but tender, tracing across each of the flowers, one by one, warm, stabilising comfort over her unimaginable, life-altering loss.
Her urge was to spin round and fall into his wide chest. Have him hold and tell her he would take care of her, shield her from any more pain. But she knew those words would only ever be words, and this wasn’t Sean’s hurt to shoulder or heal. That felt acutely true.
‘I’m so sorry you went through that, Cherry. I can’t even imagine the pain.’ His voice vibrated at the perfect timbre to soothe.
‘Thank you.’
Silence filled the air as he gave her time, as she let the feelings bubble up to the surface, allowed them to form words that might explain what it was like. Explain what most people never heard about because it was too sad, too uncomfortable.
‘I never thought I’d get through it,’ she admitted, quietly rubbing the fabric of her sundress again. ‘Every time, it felt like the world was kicking me black and blue and laughing at me, saying, “What did you think, that it would actually work out? Don’t be so fucking stupid, Cherry.”’
‘Oh, Cher.’
‘I can’t explain how attached you get to this idea of being a mum. So quickly. And every time, I believed. I had to. But I almost wished I hadn’t been allowed to believe, so the fall didn’t hurt so much. But then I’d have blamed my own lack of belief for the outcome. Do you see?’
‘Aye, I see.’ Sean’s voice was calm and reassuring over her shoulder. ‘Sorry for upsetting you.’
‘It’s okay. I’m okay now… Sorry.’ She worked her jaw. ‘But that’s how it was; it’s the worst thing – things – I’ve ever gone through. That and my dad dying.’
Sean glanced his fingers over her skin again. ‘You’ve been through devastation, Cher. White forget-me-nots are perfect.’
She swallowed hard, wanting to stay composed. Tears were not always the answer. ‘Thank you. I put them with my dad so they could all be together.’ The cracking in her voice told her it was time to stop talking. Sean’s strong hands dusting and smoothing down on her shoulders steadied her. So bittersweet.
