‘No, of course it doesn’t.’ Cherry’s tone was so matter-of-fact, as if she could easily detach from the complications. He wondered what her trick was.
‘You know what would be simple, Cher? If it makes you feel things, just feel them. You feel everything else. You felt enough for some other guy to try and have kids with him. You married me. Is that not enough, feelings wise?’
She stared at him, silence hanging between them, as she weighed up where to take this. What to give him in terms of an explanation. She pushed her hands into her jeans pockets and shuffled awkwardly.
‘I do feel things, Sean. That’s the problem.’ Her voice cracked a little. This wasn’t as easy for her as he’d thought. ‘But my feelings don’t match what the world has dealt me. How it has shaped me. I got carried away tonight because I want you, but in the aftermath, I’m ashamed of myself.’
Fucking hell.‘Why would you be ashamed? We want each other; that’s normal.’
‘Because every desire I have now comes with consequences. If I let myself have you, then I’m putting down the bricks of a house I might not be able to fully build. The woman you see – the one you met in New York, the one who just unabashedly enjoyed her husband – is me, butshe’s a part of the old me. There’s a whole other Cherry under the surface.’
‘Isn’t that true for everyone?’
‘Yes, of course. But this is bigger than the outer face and the inner world.’ Cherry sighed as if she’d reached the edge of a cliff and didn’t want to go on, but she did so, for which he was grateful.
‘Look… From the moment you know you’re carrying a life inside you, your idea of future-you shifts. When that’s ripped away, you can’t swim back to where you came from. There’s a raging river of trauma in between Cherry before and Cherry now. Like it or not, I’m changed forever.’ She moved into a darker corner of the warehouse and trailed her hand across some casks. Sean understood that the candid nature of what she was saying must be taking all her courage. He wasn’t expecting more, but something had opened in her.
‘You know, sometimes people tell me I’m lucky to have my freedom, so I try to appreciate it.’ Cherry looked at the barrel as she spoke. ‘But it’s not freedom when you wake up every morning weighed down by grief and terrified for the future.’
Sean nodded as if he understood, but how could he?
‘My friends’ worlds are revolving at a million miles an hour; they’re frantically making packed lunches, at soft play on a loop, their kids giving them grey hair. I stand still in my hot pants, clutching my poker cards, not belonging at soft play and feeling out of place at the poker table. Don’t get me wrong; I’m no victim, but I am in a whole other dark, murky universe with weeds and cold, deep currents where I’m trying desperately to tread water, never mind swim. Cherry traced her finger across the word ‘Butler’s’ on the face of one of the casks, like she was considering all that it meant –his family name, her name – her family – if she wanted. Something hot tugged at Sean’s chest and the room seemed to tilt.
She turned back to him, raw and vulnerable, her sweet floral scent floating across the space. ‘Every month that passes, it gets harder, and I need to prepare myself for finding a way not to sink – not to feel less – for the rest of my life. And it’s exhausting. Utterly exhausting. So, you see, I’m still me, but I’m broken in ways I can’t fix, and everything about who I am feels unsettled, like my world is shifting and cracking every single day.’
Holy fuck. The fragile strength of this woman never failed to steal breath from Sean’s lungs. It ripped at his heart that she was going through this. He locked onto her gaze, today more steel than sparkling cobalt. She met him right back, possibly waiting for him to run a mile. Which he would not be doing.
‘You’re fucking incredible, Cherry.’
She nodded tightly, blinked at him, that steel blue glistening a little now. ‘Am I? Yeah, maybe I am.’
‘Of course you are. To stand here and open your heart like that, making yourself so vulnerable but showing nothing but strength. Not everyone can do that. And for what it’s worth – and I don’t say this to negate a single second of what you feel – you could never, ever be less.Youare “more” than anyone I have ever met. You fucking shine, woman.’
Thank you,she mouthed.
He went to her, the pull to hold her more than magnetic, but she stepped away.
‘I can leave Kinshore. If it’s getting too much.’ To her credit, she met him dead on as she offeredthis. ‘Organise the tourney remotely. It’s not fair to bring my mess into someone else’s life.’
‘No, I don’t want you to leave.’ Sean moved back himself and leaned on a barrel, mimicking casual, hands grasping the solid oak – the thinghecontrolled, had mastery over, could create something out of that would last for hundreds of years. ‘You need some stability, and the money for charity is my main objective, so…let’s stick to the original plan. Rings on, hands off, poker, the end. No flirting, nothing. Okay?’ If this kept her here and kept things safe for them both, then that was how it would be.
Cherry searched his face. Something in his words had surprised her. But she nodded.
‘Okay, I want to do the tourney, too. For you. Let’s count tonight as getting things out of our system and move on.’
‘Aye, sounds like the best way forward.’
Does it, Sean, aye?Sean wasn’t sure that the words ‘out of his system’ and ‘Cherry’ belonged in the same sentence, but he would give it a go.
And he would try his best not to lose his mind in the process.
Chapter 17
Sean
The house was empty when Sean got home two weeks later. He kicked off his trainers at the door and padded through to the kitchen, where he poured a glass of water down his throat at record speed. Prepping to cycle one hundred miles was thirsty work.
Beyond the patio doors, he saw the summerhouse door was open. Cherry would be in there, in her new poker HQ. Something about her presence comforted him, took the edge of his loneliness, even though he would have preferred her in the house with him.
