‘The thing you won’t have noticed is that she insidiously infers it’s my fault. With the reading, she was saying I should let go of that idea of my future, that I’m not meant to be a mum, despite me turning up here with you and being optimistic about the future.’
‘Oh, Cherry, I’m sure she doesn’t think that. And if being a mum is what you want, then of course you bloody deserve it.’
‘How do you know all the right things to say?’ She admired him as if he were some sort of wonder, which he felt anything but.
Right now, Sean felt like the most helpless man in the universe. What could he do to change any of this? He hadn’t been there; it wasn’t his body; it wasn’t his kid she’d been carrying.
But he was here with her now. He was her husband, and he had to try to say something right. Cancel out the feeling of being a spare part.
‘I don’t,’ he said. ‘But I know these things are awful, and they can happen to good people through no fault of their own.’
‘Yes, but four times usually means there’s some reason. That’s what my mum was getting at. She thinksI’mthe problem. My lifestyle is the problem. “Touring around the world, Cherry. Sitting in darkened casinos until two in the morning, night after night, is no way to carry a baby to term.” Her actual words. And I know other people have tough jobs and have babies, but when it happens four times, you start to think that every little thing you’re doing might be the reason – from a rogue coffee to heatingsomething in a microwave, to not thinking enough positive thoughts. So when my mum says I chose poker, therefore I need to let the dream of being a mother die, I am terrified she is right.’
‘Fuck!’ This was huge for Cherry.
It’s huge for you too, Seany. You can’t ignore that. Stop trying to.
‘And the truth is, Sean… The truth is that part of me – this fragment I can’t ignore – worries about several things. One is, you want to have a family – and so do I – but I don’t even know if I can face the whole process of failing again. It hurts far too much. And two, even if I can cope with it, what if you can’t? Dale slowly went into meltdown and you should see him now. I can’t see that happen to you, Sean. I won’t ruin someone else’s life. I’m sorry. I was feeling positive about the future until now.’
Sean inhaled deeply, faced the windscreen, leaning on the steering wheel. This was heavy stuff, but it couldn’t be as cut and dry as Cherry thought. At least, he didn’t want it to be. Truth was he was disorientated. Cherry had been swimming at a different depth than he was used to. The closest he’d come to anything like this was when an ex’s period came a week or so late and her worry that she might be pregnant became devastation that she wasn’t. But still, his instinct was to deal with Cherry’s pain.Put on her oxygen mask first.
That’s not how the saying goes.
‘First up, don’t worry about me, Cher. I’m tougher than I look. Secondly, I get that you wouldn’t want to go through that again. Did you get any tests or anything to see why it might have happened?’
‘Yep. First time, they said to stabilise my diet and lifestyle. I cut back on late-night poker, embraced clean eating, and when I did fall pregnant, Dale worked and I tried torest. But no go. Tests on me said I was fine. Dale refused to have any, said he’d clean up his lifestyle, but he didn’t. My mum thinks I should have given up poker altogether, moved back to Scotland and let the clean air do its work, or something.’
‘I see. So he refused to have tests or make any changes and let you take all the blame. Maybe it wasn’t the poker so much as the stress of being in a relationship with an arsehole that had an impact. Or possibly, you and him weren’t meant to have a kid together.’ He wanted to believe this for his own sake as much as Cherry’s.
‘Sadly, I don’t think “not meant to be” is a medical diagnosis.’
‘Aye, right enough.’ Sean was no doctor, and he was certainly no expert on reproductive issues. His mind was clouded, and he wanted to get home. But he wasn’t about to drive off into the night without his wife.
‘Cherry, come back to Kinshore with me. We can talk more there.’
‘Oh, Sean.’ She let her head loll back on the headrest. ‘I have to be real. This is your life, too.’
‘Aye, I know. So let me make the decisions about it.’ He checked that she didn’t look like she wanted out of the car. Kidnapping wasn’t something he was keen to have on his resume.
But to his surprise, Cherry didn’t protest. Instead, she reached into her bag and retrieved a cardigan, which she slipped on, rubbing her arms and shivering a little.
‘Okay.’ She stared out the passenger window and down the path towards her mum’s caravan. ‘I’ll come. And google marriage annulment on the way. Drive before I change my mind.’
Ignoring the unnecessary annulment comment, Seanpulled the car into first gear and away from the caravan site. For a while, they drove in silence, Cherry absorbed by her phone, until she lifted her head and broke the tension.
‘From a basic search, it seems you can annul your marriage if you don’t consummate it.’
‘Right.’ Sean tried to concentrate on this whilst merging off a slip road onto the motorway. ‘That seems a bit drastic. The annulment.’And the no consummation. If they were going their separate ways, surely they could at least relieve the stress by enjoying one another for a while.
‘Might be best for a clean break, though,’ Cherry said. ‘Divorce is messy.’
‘Aye, look, chill for now, and we’ll talk back in Kinshore. Get some rest while I drive.’ Truthfully, he needed time to clear his head and focus on the quiet of the road in front of him. He would think about everything else when he got home.
Chapter 6
Cherry
Some hours later, Cherry awoke from a restless sleep with a stiff neck to find that they were parked in front of a large, white seafront cottage. The dashboard display said 00:23, which would explain that the sea she could hear crashing into shore was nothing but an inky mass.
