I mean, I would do that if the roles were reversed, but I obviously have some screws loose.
“Dusha moya…” Her voice is low and brittle, and I can barely see her through the blurriness in my eyes. “Cyrus mentioned that you were abandoned with Vaughn before they found you.”
“Yeah.”
So okay, I might have blabbered about Vaughn when I called my mom during the summer camp. I only mentioned him a few times.
Fine, I talked about him every time I called her. Sue me.
She’s my confidant, along with Cyrus. I tell her all about my crushes and sexual adventures, and she just shakes her head at my shenanigans.
Not that there was anything sexual with Vaughn, but still.
Her lips part before she purses them. “What happened in that cave?”
“I kissed him, Mama,” I blurt out. “I kissed a guy for the first time, and I want to do it again. Isn’t that crazy?”
“You can’t do that again.” She raises her voice, something she’s never done before. Ever. I think it’s the fever that’s making it sound heightened. “You simply can’t, Yulian, promise me.”
“But…”
“No buts. We’re a traditional family, and we don’t do any same-sex relationships, do you understand?”
I blink at her, my chest constricting. “It’s not that I want a relationship…”
“Good, because you’re expected to get married to a woman and have kids. Just like your father.”
“And treat my wife and children like shit just like him as well? Leave a trail of bastards who’ll attempt to kill each other while I’m at it, right? Should I torment them all and sleep with every available woman while being proud that I’m astrongman?”
She raises her trembling hand and slaps me. It’s not hard, but it’s the first time she’s ever hit me.
My heart shatters, mouth hanging open as the shock settles in my bones.
Mom seems just as shocked. Her body trembles before she breaks into sobs, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry…”
“Mama…” I try to sit up and reach for her, and she pulls me to her. The strong stench of antiseptic overpowers the floral perfume she wears.
I feel bones beneath my hands as she cries in my neck.
“Please, Dusha moya, please, I’m begging you. Erase that boy from your head, yes? You were fine sleeping around with girls, so just continue to do that. Take it as your mother’s dying wish.”
“You’re not dying, Mama…”
“Take it as if I am. If…if it’s found out you like men, your father will kill you and use your sister as a pawn. And without you around, no one can protect her. Please…please just…just stay away from that boy. I will not rest in peace if you don’t.”
“Okay…” I stroke her hair as she hyperventilates in my arms. “Okay…just don’t cry, Mama. I hate it when you cry.”
She pulls back to look at me through an overflow of tears and emotions and a woman who looks sotiredof everything.
Why did the universe have to take my mother? Why didn’t it take Dad? Cancer should’ve hit him, not her. Why do people like him get to live while kind, selfless people like Mama have to suffer so badly?
Just why?
She strokes my hair, her fingers shaking. “Promise me you’ll marry a girl and have kids.”
“I’m too young for that.”
“Promiseme.”
