I feel like all my life, I’ve been waiting and biding my time. For years, I thought it was for leadership, but I realize it’s my heart that’s been waiting.
For him—the boy who awakened me, punctured my shield, and lay inside my chest.
I convinced myself that I hated him, even more after the cave than before. I hated him because he kissed me, and I couldn’t get over it.
I hated him because I stole a kiss back, but he wasn’t awake to reciprocate.
But mostly, I hated him because I wanted him so much, but I couldn’t be with him.
For four years, he’s been the forbidden fruit I only allow myself to think about late at night or follow from afar like a coward.
But the truth is, that hate was a way for me to conceal the depth of my feelings for this infuriating guy.
Now that I finally have him, I’ll keep him right here.
Forever.
When I wakeup the following morning, I stretch, then quickly stop so I don’t accidentally hit Yulian.
My eyes fly open, and I realize the bed is empty and cold.
I jump up to a sitting position, blinking the sleep out of my eyes. I swear, if Uncle Maks took him on one of his “character-building” adventures, I’ll start a fight. I would rather he go bug Mike and his kid than use Yulian for his wild outdoorsy days.
After I pull on my boxer briefs, I pause with my jeans halfway up my legs when I notice a note on the nightstand. I’d recognize this mixture of cursive and print handwriting anywhere.
My mouth dries as I hold the letter in a shaky hand.
I’m going backto Chicago.
By the time you read this, I’ll almost be there. Thirteen hours in the air will be brutal—even with the private jet your uncle graciously lent me. Andyou won’t be there to fuss over me. The horror.
Jokes aside, I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye face-to-face. I couldn’t. Not after hearing you speak about our future.
My father has Alya. He plans to marry her off to some Boston brute who’s ten years older, a man who will destroy her. The only bargaining chip he offered was me. If I marry the leader’s daughter and seal their alliance, Alya will be freed. And I’ll be safe, at least, as his heir.
Funny, isn’t it? I always thought you’d be the one trapped in a marriage of duty. Turns out, it’s me. I’m fulfilling my mother’s dying wish after all.
I’m sorry, Vaughn. I’ve never been worthy of you. From the start, you were composed, untouchable, while I’ve always been chaos. Thank you for saving me, for taking me to Russia, for giving me these last ten days. They were the happiest of my life. Watching your uncles together made me hope we could have that, too. But hope doesn’t change reality.
Maybe you were right all along. We were never meant to last.
Goodbye, my Vaughn.
My Mishka.
My baby.
You’ll always be the memory I carry closest.
Yulian
37
YULIAN
Today is my wedding day.
Fuck that right the fuck off if I had a say in it, but I didn’t.
