“She just loved you,” he whispers. “She was scared for your safety and wanted to protect you, and her fear was correct, considering your father’s reaction.”
“You…don’t hate her?”
“For what? She was just being a protective mother.” He drags his gaze to me, and it glows in the near darkness. “She was crying, you know. I don’t think she was against us being together per se; she just didn’t want us to be the targets of a homophobic institution.”
“Yeah, she apologized for not birthing me in a different reality.” I move my feet and wince. “I love my mom, but I don’t like that she got between us. You could’ve been mine all these years, but I had to watch you sucking Danika’s face in that godforsaken parking lot instead.”
He frowns. “What are you talking about?”
I tell him the condensed version of my infamous trip to New York, which happened about a week after his trip to Chicago.
Once I’m done, I let out a breath. “I had to drag my ass back home afterward because Mom died and Alina became paralyzed, all because of my idiotic inability to let go.”
“Hey.” He runs his fingers through my hair like he does when I’m lying on top of him. “Your mom was sick, and Alina had an accident. It’snotyour fault. If you want to blame someone, blame me for being a coward allalong, for making you see that with Danika, even if not intentionally.”
I raise a shoulder, then suck in a sharp breath because my motherfucking body is apparently in a state of pissing me off. “You just went back to your crush.”
He shakes his head once.
“No?” I say hopefully.
“No,” he repeats.
“You said you had a crush on a girl, and you wanted her to be your first. Wasn’t that Danika?”
“Well, yes, but I didn’t get together with her for that reason. I liked her a bit, so that helped, but truly, I only went out with her to repress whatever illogical, ludicrous feelings I had for you. I had to forget about you. There was no other option.”
A wide grin curves my mouth, but it falters because my split lip stings. “You used Danika to get over me?”
“I think I did. We used each other—me to get the structured life I pictured for myself, and she used me for power and status. Though it didn’t work.”
“What didn’t work?”
“I obviously couldn’t get over you.” His rough words are spoken low, so low that I can barely hear them. “I even kept this on me at all times.”
He reaches in his pocket and pulls out the bullet key chain I saw him carrying but he didn’t want to elaborate on.
“It’s the bullet I removed from you in the cave.” His voice is still faint. Bashful, even.
“You kept it all these years?” My own voice is choking.
“Yeah. I couldn’t throw it away. I couldn’t forget that time.” He pauses, his tone a bit shaky. “I tried to find outhow you were doing over the years by making secret social media accounts to see what you’d post. Honestly, the signs were always there.”
I grin. “The closet is made of glass, huh?”
“Shut up.”
“If it makes you feel any better, I got with all the boys and girls just to recreate that spark I felt in the cave. I wasn’t really such a manwhore before, but after the summer camp, I slept with anyone interested.”
“Are you saying it’smyfault you’re a fuckboy?”
“Partially? I mean it’s not, but back then, I thought you abandoned me, and I was desperate to recreate the spark I felt, but it never returned… Wait. Hold on. Actually, it did.”
His eyes darken. “With who?”
“Jealous?”
“Don’t fuck with me, Yulian.” His fingers halt in my hair, holding the strands but not pulling. “Who did you feel that spark with? I’m already murderous at the thought of those who had you before me, but feeling the spark with someone else?—”
