And I don’t know how to deal with it—this new…sexual orientation.
The only person I know who’s had a similar experience is Niko, but he’s been out for such a long time, and I can’t tell him shit, because he’s bad with secrets, and my fragile sexuality might accidentally slip.
That would fucking end me. My parents. Everything they’ve worked for.
Yes, Nikolai also comes from the mafia, but it’s different for him. His parents are leaders, but his dad isn’t at the top, and he wasn’t groomed to be the future Pakhan, so he has more leeway.
But even then, he can’t act as flamboyant in front of the older members.
Aside from Niko, there’s also my uncles, but I’m not sure how to broach the subject with them, and I seriously don’t want them to find out and subsequently tell Mom.
So in a way, this sexual confusion comes with extreme limiting conditions, and it’s been driving me fucking insane.
Add the fact that Yulian has gone radio silent since the day he stormed out of the hotel suite, and I’m on the edge.
I’ve been filling my days with distraction—shooting, joining operations, working out, studying, sitting through meetings—anythingto make sure I don’t have a second of free time. But when night comes, it all caves in. I lie awake, tossing and turning, then end up scrolling through his old texts, watching his stupid videos on repeat.
It’s so unlike him to ghost me, not when he was the pushiest pushy of all fucking pushers.
He did say he only wanted to fuck once and that’s it. But that wasn’t fucking.
Ithink.
My experience in gay sex is limited to Google searches, some porn, and an unhealthy amount of Reddit threads. Let’s say I went down a rabbit hole after that night.
Yes, the night I had an existential crisis and came to the conclusion I’m definitely not straight.
Which brings me to the only person I can actually talk to.
It’s a guy who made a thread talking about his confusion about his sexual awakening after meeting his superior.
I messaged him on Reddit, and we’ve been kind of talking for the past week or so.
Even with that, I was apprehensive about letting anything slip. I’m extremely wary about a data breach or anything of the sort, which is why I have no form of social media.
Except, well, for phantom accounts I use to “look around” sometimes.
At any rate, I might have had someone hack into the guy’s Reddit profile, just to know who he is. I can’t be talking to him just to find out he’ll sell my information or use anything I say to hurt my parents.
And color me surprised when I figured out it’s none other than Gareth.
Yes,theGareth Carson.
Turns out, that night at the Serpents’ mansion, he was already tangled up in his new obsession—his criminal law professor, of all people. Gareth, the Heathens’ golden boy. The fixer. The one forever patching up Killian’s messes and dragging Niko out of trouble. Aside from Jeremy and me, he’s the only one with a level head.
Or so I thought.
Because his Reddit version, or I should call it histrue self, is, in fact, petty, narcissistic, and downright sociopathic.
I’m actually impressed by how he’s managed to hide that from the public eye for so long.
Still, knowing his identity made me more comfortable speaking to him. I only created that account to lurk in subreddits and now to talk to Gareth.
We’re basically going through the same thing, though he’s much more resistant about admitting his sexuality.
I suppose it’s not fun realizing in your twenties that you like dick as well as pussy, but I’m surprisingly not as worried about it as Gareth, who seems to be having existential crises on a daily basis.
I’m logical enough to admit I enjoyed sucking Yulian’s cock and swallowing his cum.
