Carter and Bali had gone back to the trailer. I knew better than to find my ass in there.Like father, like son.My dad told me Uncle Legend used to smoke a blunt and have sex before his ride. I could only shake my head at their foolishness. I didn’t really have a ritual. My dad said he used to listen to rap music to get him hype. I didn’t really do shit. Maybe I needed to get more organized. That would help my mind be at ease, too.
After getting something to eat, I made my way to the stands where my mama and Aunt Harper were. I could only hope Noni wasn’t near them. I saw her right after I flipped that steer. She was standing there clapping, but I could see the sadness in her eyes. She wasn’t smiling. Brian had refused to talk to her anymore after last night. Once it was discovered that she was on bullshit, he wanted no parts of that shit.
I couldn’t believe she did that, knowing that I was already struggling mentally from our breakup. That shit was cold. I was thankful for my dad, though. He helped get me focused. That prayer was everything. That was why I wanted him to haze for me instead of my mama. I couldn’t wait to talk to him about what happened last night. He always gave the best advice.
As I made my way back to my seat, I saw Noni coming down a ramp. Her eyes met mine for a split second, then she looked away like she didn’t know me. Despite what happened last night, that woman still had a place in my heart. I didn’t know what else to do. She made me snap last night. After she hit me, I nearly lost it. Had I completely lost it, there wouldn’t have been anything anyone could have done to keep me from choking the fuck out of her.
I would definitely have to start taking those anger management classes more seriously. No matter what she did, I shouldn’t have allowed myself to put my hands on her. I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. My fucking soul was hurt. I should probably just let that shit go. We would end up killing each other.
When I got back to my seat, Aaliyah smiled at me. “That was a good run, nigga.”
I rolled my eyes. “Thanks, knucklehead.”
I ate my brisket nachos and watched the other bulldoggers try to get close to my score. It wasn’t happening. I put every emotion swirling around inside of me into that run. The closest anyone had gotten was five seconds. As I ate, my mama said, “I swore I saw your dad in you when you flipped that shit. You looked just like him . . . technique and everything.”
I smiled slightly. “I learned from the best.”
It felt like my heart was smiling. I wanted to be just as good as my dad or better. I never wanted to be that son that should have pursued something else. A son that was trying to force himself to be like his dad was the last thing I wanted to appear as. Finally, I was proud of myself. My parents never made me feel less than, but I was supposed I was in a silent competition with my dad to be just as great as he was.
I was almost twenty-nine years old and was still focusing on my dad’s career instead of my own. That was probably part ofmy downfall as well. That shit was stressing me the fuck out. I had talent. That was the difference between Carter and me. He just did his own thing, without comparing his career to his dad’s. I didn’t know how he did that, especially when everyone openly did the same thing.
Announcers would even say that shit over the microphone. That only increased my anxiety, because everyone was expecting me to be great, simply because Red Anderson was great. Although this would be my second nationals’ appearance, by my age, my dad had been three or four times. It seemed I was a late bloomer.
Once the last bulldogger went and broke the barrier, I was the official winner of my event. Everyone around me congratulated me on the win. I was happy. This was my best time to date. It made me wonder if the situation between Noni and me had something to do with that. My dad prayed for me for every competition. Maybe his prayers were different this time, but it still stemmed from Noni’s bullshit.
I took a deep breath and finished off my nachos. Despite my win, I just wanted to be alone. I stood from my seat and threw my trash in the receptacle near me, then headed to the trailer. I knew Carter and Bali were in there, but I could sit in the truck. I had always had a key to Carter’s truck, and he had a key to mine. That was my brother. I was closer to him than I was to Asad. Carter Legend understood me almost better than I understood myself at times.
On my way there, I saw Noni walking and talking with her aunt Tiffany. I rolled my eyes and hoped Tiff was talking some sense into that girl. Whether she did or didn’t, I couldn’t hop right back in with her. I thought I could if she changed her mind, but that was before all of this. Just as I looked away from them, she saw me. I refused to hold her gaze. I got inside the truck, cranked it up, and laid the seat back.
I closed my eyes and did my best to focus on all the things I did right with this run so that I could do that shit again at the NFR in Vegas. After reclining for about ten minutes, there was a tap on the window. After taking a cleansing breath, I opened my eyes, expecting to have to deal with Noni. It wasn’t her, though. It was my dad.
His eyebrows were bunched together, revealing how concerned he was. I put the window down. “Why you in here by yourself?”
“I just needed to be alone for a bit.”
He nodded, then walked around the truck and got inside. Holding up his fist to me, he smiled. I bumped it with my fist and gave him a slight smile in return. We sat in silence. When I realized he didn’t get in here to talk, I lay back in my seat again. He just wanted to be with me in case I needed him. I appreciated him for that . . . even more than I already did.
“That bull looks extremely irritated,” Uncle Legend said under his breath.
I had to agree. That muthafucka looked like he was out to kill somebody. My dad nodded his head, then walked closer to Carter and began quoting scriptures.
“No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper . . . that bull is the weapon. It won’t be successful.”
He rubbed his shoulders as Carter lowered his head. I swore, he was just like Uncle Legend without even trying to be. I was pretty sure he soaked up everything, as kids normally did, and it became a part of him. He loved and admired his dad.
“Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”
I lowered my head as well, wishing that I had a gift like that where I could minister to people like my dad did. However, I noticed that he had a hard time calming himself down. My mama had to help him with that. She was the only one that could calm him when he was extremely worked up.
“The angel of the LORD encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth him.”
I closed my eyes and chose to apply those scriptures to my life as well. I could use the positivity when I started to feel anxious. Carter had recommended I go to counseling along with the anger management. It seemed my dad could probably counsel me if he took me seriously.
“And the Lord shall deliver me from every evil work, and will preserve me unto his heavenly kingdom: to whom be glory for ever and ever, Amen.”
“Amen,” we all said in unison.
Carter grabbed the cross from his neck and kissed it, then went to the chute. We followed him there, all of us sitting at the back of it as he slid down on the bull. The minute he touched that damn bull, his ass started bucking.
