After they hung up, Carson stood in his kitchen, trying to think of hobbies. Things he used to enjoy before the job consumed everything.
He’d liked fishing. His dad had taught him. But he hadn’t been fishing since the day his dad died—except for that one afternoon with Noraat the cabin.
Maybe he could go again. Reclaim something that had been his before grief and guilt took over.
Carson grabbed his keys and drove to the sporting goods store. Bought a new fishing rod and tackle. Drove to the lake on the edge of town.
Standing at the water’s edge, rod in hand, Carson felt something unfamiliar.
Peace. Quiet. Space to just exist without the pressure of solving anything.
He cast his line and waited. Didn’t catch anything. Didn’t really care about catching anything.
Just stood there as the sun moved across the sky, thinking about Nora. About therapy. About Dr. Carpenter’s question.Has saving others made you feel like you’ve atoned for what happened to Lily?
The answer was still no. Would probably always be no.
But maybe—maybe—it was time to stop trying to atone. To forgive himself for being seventeen and distracted. To accept that what happened to Lily wasn’t his fault.
Not an easy thing to accept. Not something he could just decide to believe.
But maybe a place to start.
***
On day three, Nora went to lunch with Lila and ran into Jade Matthews from the police station.
“Nora! Hi!” Jade looked genuinely happy to see her. “How are you? I heard about everything with Shaw. What a nightmare.”
“I’m okay. It’s good he was caught.” Nora hesitated. “How’s Carson?”
Jade’s expression shifted to concern. “He’s on mandatory leave. Two weeks. Captain’s orders. I don’t think he’s handling it well, being away from work and you at the same time.”
“We needed space. To figure things out.” Why did she feel a twinge of embarrassment admitting that? Because she felt like a failure, that’s why.
“I know. And I get it. He was consumed by the Shaw case. By every case.” Jade glanced at Lila, then back to Nora. “But for what it’s worth, I’ve worked with Carson for five years. I’ve never seen him like he was with you. Happy. Present. Like he had something to live for beyond the job.”
“When he was present. Which wasn’t often enough.”
“True. But, Nora—” Jade leaned in. “Carson’s been broken since his sister disappeared. We all knew it. Saw how he threw himself into work to avoid dealing with it. And we just...accepted it. That’s who Detective Black was. But with you, I saw glimpses of who Carson could be. Who he wanted to be.”
“Wanting to be different and actually being different are two things.”
“I know. I’m just saying…don’t give up on him completely. Not yet.” Jade squeezed her arm. “He’s trying. Really trying. I can tell.”
After Jade left, Lila raised an eyebrow. “So. He’s trying.”
“She says. But I don’t know what that means. Trying how? Promising to change again? Or actually doing the work?” She wanted to believe he was changing, wanted to hope, but it almost felt like too much—too dangerous.
“Maybe you should find out,” Lila suggested.
Nora shook her head. “I told him I needed time. I can’t just—”
“I’m not saying break your boundary. I’m saying maybe check in. Text him. See how he’s doing. You don’t have to get back together. Just...don’t completely cut him off.” Lila sipped her wine. “Unless that’s what you want. To cut him off.”
Nora looked away. At anywhere but her friend’s penetrating, questioning stare. The truth was, Nora didn’t want that. Wanted the opposite. Wanted to run back to him, wanted to fix things, wanted to believe he could change.
But she’d tried believing before. Tried hoping. And gotten her heart broken.
