"She won't. Because if she mentions it now, Simon gets upset. You see, her chocolate soap was so good that he took a bite of it."
"He didn't," I gasp in horror, pulling a sour face. He gets so excited he drops his pizza and sits up straighter. His eyes are wide and full of amusement.
"Oh, he did. And he chewed it a good number of times before his brain caught up with his impulsive need to steal someone else's chocolate. He was swearing for weeks."
Bardil is laughing loudly now, and I have to cover my mouth to stop myself from choking on pizza when I start laughing too.
He sighs, leaning back against the headboard and picking up his pizza again.
"Did Talia carry on making soap?" I ask.
"Yes, for another year or so before she got bored with that phase and moved on to something else. But I still have the oil burner, and I always have certain essential oils in my home."
"And Simon?" I grin.
"Simon has this weird dislike for chocolate," he laughs again.
"What was Marlen like growing up?" I ask, wondering if it's safe to mention his older brother.
Bardil sighs, a quiet smile on his face.
"Marlen was always the oldest. I mean that in the sense that he was always the one in charge, and he knew it. He needed us to listen to him, you know. If we didn't, he would get upset. But then, on the other hand, he's a born leader. He knew how to talk to people from a really young age. He was compassionate and understanding and could negotiate like a fucking boss. Jeez. I don't know how he does it. He can stay calm through almost anything. That's a skill I never had."
"Staying calm?" I ask.
"Staying calm… staying out of trouble… " he sighs. "I have a bad habit of making impulsive choices that get me into a whole lot of trouble. I lost my path somewhere along the line. In my late twenties, I got greedy. A little too focused on money instead of what really matters in life. I made the wrong friends. Hung out with the wrong people. I trusted them. They made me feel like family. When they betrayed me, it felt like the world was ripped out from beneath my feet. It hurt. And from then on, I kept making the wrong choices by trusting the wrong people. I get betrayed over and over again, and it never seems to end."
Bardil fidgets with his pizza for a moment, then bites into it, his heart heavy with memories.
I reach out and touch his arm. "We've all been there, Bardil. You don't have to be angry with yourself for making mistakes. It's not your fault they weren't good people. How were you supposed to know? Especially not when you're young. I do it all the time."
He smiles, his eyes boring into me. "You didn't make the same mistakes I made. I was selfish. And I guess I got the karma I deserved."
"So was I. When I snuck out, I went directly against what my brothers expected from me. What they pleaded from me. They just wanted me to be safe. And look where I ended up," I shrug, grinning at him, trying to show him he's not alone. "And I think I was pretty selfish because they're the ones worried… " My voice trails off. I swallow hard, realizing how easy it is to mess up and hurt the people you love.
Bardil takes my hand in his and looks down at his fingers threaded through mine.
"You're an amazing person, Nikita. Compassionate and caring. Don't think that any of this was your fault. It was mine." He can't look at me when he says this, and my heart breaks for him.
I study his face. His quiet penance.
It's not the first time I've seen this softness in him. All of his anger and vengeance have faded away in this moment, and I realize it was only ever there to hide his hurt. He's fighting the people who betrayed him. His anger is his shield because he doesn't know how else to deal with that betrayal.
He got hurt. Badly.
It turned him into this version of himself, hell-bent on revenge, even though it's not the real him. The real version of him is someone who loves his family and speaks of them as though they mean the world to him.
I push my pizza box aside and lift his arm, draping it around my shoulders so I snuggle against him.
"I feel much better after eating and being comfortable in these fresh sheets," I whisper, closing my eyes.
He sighs, content and calm as he wraps his arm tighter around me.
"Thank you, Bardil," I whisper sleepily.
"It's my pleasure, little rabbit," he whispers back, then leans down to kiss the top of my head.
***
