And my biggest fear of all...Can I trust myself to know what to do?
"Sweets, what's on your mind?"
Jamie's rough voice wraps around me and pulls me from my zoned out panic. My vision clears and I see his chiseled, glorious face watching me with concern.
His eyes flare at my obvious perusal. "As much as I love the heat in your eyes, you naughty girl, there's something on your mind that's more important than my cock."
"What about my pussy?" I pout, wiggling closer to him beneath the sheets.
With a soft kiss on my forehead, Jamie tucks me into his chest. "Your pussy was put first last night. Now let me take care of your worries."
Sighing, I give in to his request. "I need to talk to them."
Jamie's quiet in response to my declaration only heightening the tension in the room. Tingles race across my bare arm as he tickles me, helping me relax back into my pillow. The muscles in my neck loosen just a smidge, but it's enough to make me feel like I'm not in fight-or-flight mode.
"I'm scared, Jamie..." I whisper. My eyes feel heavy, but tears don't build. "I don't know how I'm going to react. What if..."Groaning, I cover my face, not wanting to start rambling about thewhat ifsright now.
"Hmm, what are a few of the mainwhat ifsyou're stuck on? Let's start there," Jamie encourages, continuing his soft touch.
"What if I forgive them?"
Jamie kisses my shoulder, and I take it as praise, allowing it to warm me up. "Then you forgive them."
Turning my head, I look into his eyes to see patience and love. "You wouldn't judge me if I forgave them? You don't think Cass or Mom would be disappointed in me?"
"I think everyone else can fuck right off with their judgment. Including me if you ever felt like I would judge you. No, my love, I'll accept and support however you go about finding your closure. But..." His sleepy face turns hard. "If you let them back into your life and your heart, I'll expect a fuck load of groveling and personal growth."
"Have you forgiven them?" I whisper, worried about his response.
The hand tickling my arm rises and brushes across my cheekbone. "We're a package deal, remember? No way can I forgive them if you don't."
Sighing, I roll my eyes a bit. "That's some messed up co-dependency."
"No," he states. "I'm not ready to forgive them until they can prove themselves worthy of it. And that starts with treating my woman properly. Now, nextwhat if."
The urge to roll away and avoid his intense stare weighs on me, but I hold strong. "What if I still love them?"
"Do you?"
So matter of fact. So pushy. "I don't know," I lie.
"So yes. And that scares you," Jamie notices, still petting me. "That's okay, Violet. All that means is you have a big heart andyou lovedeeply. I, for one, am honored to have my space in there, as should they."
He just completely bulldozed over my lie and shut me right up. "I don't?—"
Pressing a soft kiss to my mouth, Jamie shushes me. "You can still love them. Loving someone doesn't mean forgiving or forgetting. Those things can coexist, which is why this is so hard. I knew you still loved them by the thoughts whirling around in your mind. If you didn't, you would have sworn them to hell a while ago."
Darn it. He's right. I love Nate and Ellis, and it fuckinghurts. "I don't know who they really are," I whisper, tears blurring my vision. "How can I love them if I don't know them?"
Jamie's lips turn down, and I wonder for a moment how deep his feelings run for them too. He opens and closes his mouth a few times before finally settling on a response. "I don't know what to say to that, my love. Love is complicated enough without heartbreak. Love without trust is hard."
"What if I can't trust myself to make the right choices? I love two men who had a revenge plan against me. They wanted to use you. Am I a terrible person if I just let it go?" Now the questions and concerns are flowing, making my head spin and my mouth dry.
Jamie's hands run through my matted hair and stop at the base of my skull, keeping me steady. "You've grown so much, Violet Bennett. Youcantrust yourself, and you want to know why? Because you've been through hell and crawled yourself out all on your own."
"No, I didn't. I?—"
"Hush," he grumbles, narrowing his eyes on mine. "You did. Nobody forced you to get back up every time. You literally fell off a fucking cliff and climbed back up all on your own. If that's not a goddamn metaphor for how strong and resilient you are, I don'tknow what is. I do know that if you ever question yourself, I'll be right here to help or just nod if you need the reassurance."
