"Deep breath, Ellis. You either go punch a fucking pillow or you wrangle your emotions back in and console the woman you love when she's practically screaming for help. So what will it be? Selfish prick, or emotionally available partner?"
I tense a little at the name calling but his words seem to land perfectly with Ellis. Ellis takes a deep breath, shakes his handsout, and jumps on the balls of his feet. "I'll let her know she is not a poopy headand none of what I did is her guilt to carry, but—" He shifts.
"But what?" Jamie prods without skipping a beat.
Ellis cracks his neck and bounces on the balls of his feet. "I think I need to go for a run after. Fighting might not be good for me, but I was a track star in high school. I always liked to run when I was hormonal and cranky."
Jamie and I study Ellis for a moment, each of us thinking through his statement. "Alright." I nod, knowing he needs a slight push and to know someone supports him. "I watched a plow come through earlier, but it will be dark. Bring your phone and the headlamp I saw by the garage door."
"Yes, Sir," Ellis mutters, already typing out his message to Violet.
Pride fills me up. The effort he's putting in to figure out how to manage his strong emotions is great to see. He may still need us to hold him accountable if he's going to make real progress.
"What about you?" Jamie asks, twisting in his seat to eye me down. "What are you doing to prove you've changed?"
Chewing on my lip, I avoid his challenging gaze. Instead, I watch Ellis bundle up for his nighttime run.
"I need to talk to someone. Someone who's kink-friendly. I'm a Dom, but I allow my need to make Ellis happy to control me. I knew what we had planned was wrong, but I enjoyed the way his eyes lit up. He jumped out of his chair and it made me feel good about myself. Like I could make him happy by following along. But he needsmeto guide him. I dropped the ball. I fell into a toxic idea because I was drinking. So yeah, I'll need to find a kink-friendly therapist and maybe quit drinking too."
Fuck, it's hard to admit. The more I've thought about it, I've come to realize I not only failed Jamie and Violet, but I failed Ellis too. I should have been levelheaded and spanked somesense into him. My anger at myself for letting one of my loves slip away and my need to keep Ellis always and forever drove me to make some poor choices.
"Attachment issues. I get it," Jamie rumbles, arms crossed over his chest.
I shrug, not caring what the titles of my issues are right now. "Maybe I'll go California sober."
Jamie nods and smirks, startling me a bit. "I know someone who makes pot brownies. Heard they're pretty good."
We both laugh and, fucking hell, it feelsgood.
Eighteen
VIOLET
I'm only a little ashamed to admit that I didn't talk to Jamie yesterday. Well, that's not totally true. I replied a few times, but overall, I wanted to crawl off a cliff and die.
Oh, wait, I already tried that.
I’m ridiculously hungover and completely embarrassed. While I cringed every time I reread the messages I sent to the guys, their responses also settled something inside of me.
I'm not totally ready to hash it out with them, but I'm getting there. They handled my ridiculousness the other night with so much care and patience. It gives me hope that when I do face them, they won't be dicks who try to excuse their awful behavior.
I'm dying to ask about what Levi did to them, but I also don't care. I trust my pseudo-uncle and know he has my back. My entire family does.
Which could become a problem.
They've been exactly what I've needed them to be this week, but if I stay any longer, I fear I'll get used to hiding.
I'm twenty-six, with a boyfriend I'm ignoring while cuddled up to my mom every night because the nightmares are too horrible for me to calm down. It's time to grow up.
Grow up and glow up.
Running home was the best choice I could have made. I've gotten the space I need. Now I need space from my family.
Living in the middle of nowhere, snowed in on top of a mountain, doesn't sound too bad. Nobody would let me do that, though. Everyone is very invested in helping me become the best version of myself I can possibly be.
Cassidy, who isstillhungover, is passed out on the couch beside me. Everyone else went to bed already, which is why we've stayed down here. I don't need to be a freaking genius to know why my mom and all of her men went to bed before ten.
No thanks.
