Ellis and Nate used Jamie to get revenge on me for breaking their hearts. Fact.
I broke their hearts. Fact.
I ghosted them. Fact.
I made poor, stupid, ridiculous, childish choices that hurt so many people in so many ways. Fact.
It's all my fault. Fact.
I was the beginning of each painful experience. Fact.
I'm sad. Fact.
Jamie was used because of me. Fact.
He's probably hurt. I'm sure he is.
I'm hurt. Fact.
I believe what Nate said. I'm not sure I want to.
I believe what Ellis said. I want to believe it was real.
"Ugh!" I can't take it anymore. The pen in my hand goes flying across the coffee table. "This isn't helping," I grumble, dropping my face into my sweaty palms.
A mess, I tell you.
If I hadn't kept that big secret from Mom seven years ago, none of us would even be in this position. Jamie wouldn't be upset. But would I have met him?
My decisions drove me from Chicago and eventually into his arms. I wouldn't give him up for the world, but...but Nate and Ellis.
How do I choose which decision is best? I never would have met Jamie if I hadn’t messed up back then and lost Nate and Ellis.
I thought I had three. I thought we were healing. I thought...
Because I hate myself, I drag my laptop over to me and flip it open. After sending off a few emails to my employers about my situation, I decide some more heartache is in demand. My fingers do the work of finding the file I keep of Jamie. With one click, my screen is flooded with beautiful images of him smiling or focusing on something. He's a work of art that I can't help but photograph.
I don't know how much time passes or how many slices of banana bread I've devoured until it feels like my brain has shut off. I'm no closer to having a plan or feeling a certain way about any of this. All I can do is eat and cry while looking at pictures of the man I love.One of them.
"This isn't healthy," a masculine voice rumbles behind me.
Felix.
Without looking at him, I wave a slice of bread in the air and say, "Neither is this, but you all keep forcing me to eat it."
"Nobody forced you to eat half the damn loaf, V. And that's not what I'm talking about," he says, and flops down on the couch beside me. Gesturing to my laptop, he explains, "Thisisn't healthy."
"I miss him," I whisper, my throat tight with sadness. "What else am I supposed to do?"
Dumb question, but that's how I feel.
"You could call him," Felix suggests.
Glaring at him halfheartedly, I feel frustration rise. "Why would you want me to call him? Levi punched him in the face a few hours ago because we all thought he hurt me."
"Right." Felix nods, his eyes soft but intense. "But he didn't."
Guilt floods me, making me squeeze my eyes shut. "No, he didn't."
