He walked to the other side of the balcony and peeked inside to find the blonde woman was still in his bed. Blonde hair, blue eyes. Always. There was a pattern he couldn’t break—he’d go out, find a woman, take her home, fuck her, and then wake up the next morning with a hollow pit in his soul. An emptiness he couldn’t quell because as much as he understood he was bisexual, he couldn’t ever figure out why he never felt an attraction to women that lasted more than one night at a time.
His phone rang, vibrating in the pocket of his shorts. He let it go to voicemail as he draped his arms over the railing and looked down at the patio below. It was a mess from the night before. A deck of cards and empty beer bottles were scattered across the table beside the glistening heated pool. A pair of panties and his own underwear lay scrunched up beside the stairs. And Romeo was fast asleep on a lounge chair, his face hidden underneath the shade of an umbrella.
Nico’s phone rang again.
He groaned as he pulled his phone out and saw it was Natalie.
“Good morning, Nats.”
four days later - orlando
Nico had been to three funerals in his life.
The first for his grandmother who died fromlung cancer. She was a smoker and was destined to die from the disease. Still, the disease took her far too soon.
The second was for his grandfather who took his own life for reasons that were never made clear, though Nico had suspicions his father knew the truth.
The third was for a frenemy in high school who was shot at a house party the summer before they were to be seniors.
Those all felt different as if they were distant memories Nico wasn’t even sure he ever lived. Standing beside the black casket shaded underneath a canopy, Nico realized he’d be stuck in that graveyard forever. A memory he’d never outrun, not in life and not on the field.
He didn’t know if the Klonopin his sister had passed him right before the final goodbye in the church was the best idea he ever had, or the worst. The tears that should’ve stained his face instead were trapped inside.
There weren’t many in attendance. Most were family friends and members of Nico’s father’s congregation. The family tree had withered to just the four of them, and with Elon gone, it was down to three.
Elon was the most popular kid in high school and made countless friends in college, quite a few of which even visited Orlando during summer breaks. After his accident, they all vanished, never to be seen again. No friends showed up for his funeral. The legacy Elon should’ve had amounted to nothing in the end like none of it mattered, like he wasn’t worth remembering or honoring.
Back at the church, their father hosted the funeral that was filled with more prayer than remembrance. Theirfather shed no tears, stoic as he always was. Nico envied his father’s belief in a higher power. He envied the idea that his brother was in a better place, at peace from the hurt of the world. It probably made it easier.
But Nico? How could he believe in a power that would destroy his whole world? That would break him like this.
Natalie was the first to approach the casket. She placed a hand on the surface, closed her eyes, and whispered her goodbyes. When she was done, she plucked two red roses from the casket spray and returned back to Nico’s side. She handed him a rose and thank God, because Nico didn’t have the strength to grab it himself. It was safer for him to stay a good ten feet back. If he stepped any closer, he reckoned he’d never leave.
The rest of the attendees approached the casket to say their final goodbyes, each of them taking a rose with them until the spray was plucked clean and only Nico, Natalie, and their father remained.
Natalie stood tall as she pulled Nico’s somber head against her shoulder. “Are you ready?”
The thought of leaving tore a hole in Nico’s heart. He opened his mouth to speak, but all that came was a blubbering whimper as tears broke through the dam, pooling at the corners of his eyes. He shook his head and she stayed by his side a little longer.
“Hey, kids.” Their father approached, placing a hand on each of their shoulders. “I have to get back to the church for the celebration of life. You don’t have to come right now if you’re not ready.”
“You should go,” Nico whispered to Natalie. “I’ll meet you back at the church.”
“Are you sure?”
Nico just nodded, not able to exert the energy to say another word.
“I love you.” She threw her arms around Nico and hugged him, gently at first, and then tighter. He wanted to hug her back, but again… strength.
Nico watched as his family walked back to the deacon’s car, leaving their car behind for Nico to drive. When they were gone, Nico approached the casket and stood above it. He thought about what he wanted to say, about what he needed to say, but came up empty.
So, he said the only thing on his mind, his lips trembling, “I’m not angry at you anymore.”
He was out of time and so, he took a step back and watched as the cemetery staff covered the casket with dirt, sealing Elon into the earth, into his permanent home.
Nico found the nearest tree and sat down with his back against the trunk. He stared at the grave for what felt like an eternity, marked by the downing of the sun as night fell upon the cemetery. The heat of the day gave way to a comfortable chill and a light breeze of wind that whipped at his tear-stained face.
He knew his family would be worried about him not showing up to the celebration of life, but his phone had been turned off since before the funeral. There was no way for anyone in the world to contact him unless they found him beside his brother’s grave. He knew he should get up and let his family know he was safe, but he was frozen. Stuck in that fucking place.
