“I love you,” he says simply.
It's then that the first prick of tears burns at the corners of my eyes. Zayn’s ability to be so starkly vulnerable, so open and honest about his feelings for me... it both inspired and terrified me. He said exactly what he thought, said what he was feeling, and he meant it. It was alarming and exhilarating all at once.But mostly, it made me want to run.
And I wonder if it’s all the years of my career catching up with me. Like, if all the fucked-up shit I’ve heard has finally filled up my brain and now has nowhere else to go. I am consumed by it, flooded with it.
But… if Zayn isn’t scared of anything, then surely the monsters, the haunted past, and general fucked-up-ness insidemy head wouldn’t scare him either.Right?Not when his own head mirrored the very same darkness. The same ferality.
Zayn holds my gaze and I search those ocean eyes of his with so much scrutiny, expecting him to blink or look away. But he doesn’t. He isn't afraid. The intensity and sincerity of his gaze pierces right through me.
“I love you, Doc,” he says again.
And I desperately want to answer him:I love you too.Of course, I do. But I don’t say it.
He killed someone for you, Kat. And he’d do it againif given the chance.That wasn’t normal. That wasn’t a healthy kind of relationship. And it certainly wasn’t love.
Death and destruction had permeated every single facet of my life. Could I not just have one small part… one good, protected piece that was pure and untainted by death?
No, I couldn’t.Zayn was just another harbinger of the same destruction that followed me, intent on ruining everything in its path.Mom’s death. Dad’s death. Rae’s escape and untouchable distance. My patients, the Demon… it all flowed from the same source.
With a wrenching in my chest, I think of all the years that I kept people at arm’s length. All the years I hid behind my career, focusing solely on the problems and deficits of others. All the degrees and the certifications. Always keeping my goddamn schedule packed with session after session. What did it all mean, if at the end of the day, I was alone? Utterly alone.
Crazy Kat,all alone, and stuck in a well of grief and distrust. With only her cat to comfort her until she dies. Or finally kills herself—just like her father.
Shut up!I tell the voice in my head. I bring my hands to either side of my head and squeeze hard, trying to regain some semblance of control.
Maybe I could take this leap with Zayn. Just jump out into the darkness and cling to him, and… trust.
But… I can’t. Not even now. Especially not now. The leap came at too high a cost.Zayn was a killer and a liar, and if I stayed with him, that confirmed that something equally as ruinous was wrong with me, too.
“Please stop hiding from me, Katherine,” he steps right in front of me now, desperatelygrasping my cold hand in his.
“Hear me. I love you. All of you.” And his deep voice is a plea. A prayer. It's as though he knows exactly what dark thoughts are spiraling through my head.And the cadence of his voice is the antidote to it.
Chest heaving, I break our gaze and yank my hand away from his. With that gesture, my skin screams in protest. I want to be near him.I need to be near him.Every fiber in my body is begging for me to do the exact opposite of what I am doing right now.
To disguise my trembling hands, I wrap my arms tightly around my middle and fist them into balls under my sweater. I take a nearly imperceptible step back from him. Zayn remains rooted to the spot, his eyes falling down to take in my subtle movement.
Meeting his eyes once again, I feel a heavy wall come down within me, like a drawbridge clanking shut against the stone siding of a castle.
“I-I just can’t,” I whisper. And it sounds loud in the stillness of the dark evening.
A light rain begins to fall through the mist, and cold droplets cling to my hair and lashes. I take another step backward. Away from the burning in his eyes. Away from the stark vulnerability and love there.
“This is really what you want?” he asks. His low voice now, a whisper as well.
I pause for just a moment before choking out, “Yes. I just don’t think this is something I can move past. I’m…” My voice breaks off and I clear my throat to find it again. “I’m sorry, Zayn.”
And with that final word from me, Zayn turns on his heel and stalks off into the night.
I don’t dare exhale until his tall, dark form is gone from my sight. Once sure that he has really left, I let my legs do what they’ve been threatening to since he first followed me here, and I collapse.
With a sob wrested deep from the center of my chest, I feel the first hot tear streak down my cheek. More tears join it and mingle with the cold rain now streaming down my face. I sob and wretch there on the ground, letting myself fully break apart.
I hear a booming shout ring out into the night and I’m not sure if I've imagined it or not. It’s an anguished sound. I feel it ricochet off my skin, not unlike the cold rain sluicing down my face.
Slipping my glasses off and dropping them onto the long, wet grass beneath me, I pull my legs up to my chest and curl into a ball. I cover my face with my hands and stay there, slowly rocking back and forth as grief pours out of my eyes.
I had done it; I had passed the test.My heart remains my own—impenetrable and protected.
