“Let me rephrase that question. Can you imagineevergetting married? Can you at least consider marriage? Talk about it with me and not completely rule it out?”
Connor gritted his teeth. “Everis incredibly far away, Rachel! Why can’t we just keep going and see what happens?”
“I would,” she whispered, “if I thought you’d ever change your mind about marriage and love for eternity, soul mates who support each other even when they don’t always understand each other. So, can you imagine that happening?”
He stared at her for endless seconds, minutes, and then lowered his gaze. And a small splinter broke free from her heart. Buried itself in her lung.
“I thought so,” she whispered.
“God.” Connor shook his head. “Rachel, it’s too soon for this conversation! I feel like you’re giving your relationship therapy even though you don’t have one!”
The splinter dug deeper. “I don't, do I?” she asked woodenly.
“Shit.” He closed his eyes and ran his hand over them. “That’s not what I meant. We are in a relationship.”
“A sex-leasing relationship that you’d rather hide from your friends, and frame asonlysex because it scares you? So not a relationship you’d buy? Not one…that you’d bet on?”
“I’d bet onyouevery damn time, Rachel,” he said loudly. “Over and over again. But love is unpredictable, and the end of a marriage is likely. And…you said it yourself. My no-go is women who give up easily. So why do you want to give up on us before we’ve even started?”
“I’m not giving up, Connor!” she said louder. “This isn’t easy for me, okay? I can deal with the fact that you think MatchMe! is silly and don’t believe in soul mates. It’s okay. But you insisted I be honest with myself. And…I want to have kids, and it was difficult for me when you couldn’t tell your friends we had more than only sex. And that you never want to even consider marriage.”
“Rachel…please.” Despair crept onto his face. “Why…do you want to ruin it? What are youdoing?”
“I’m scared, Connor,” she whispered hoarsely. “Because you have a gigantic commitment issue. Because you say you love me, but you haven’t been able to show it to your friends. Because you want it to beeasy. And I’m not easy. Because you always have one foot out the door. Because marriage is important to me — yet you won’t even consider it. I don’t want you to throw your principles overboard for me. I just wish we could at least talk about it.” She wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I have to break my patterns, Connor. It’s time. I’ve only ever had relationships with men who couldn't hurt me. Who couldn’t prove to me that I’m not always strong. But that’s the way it is, and that’s good. That’s okay. In your presence…because of you, it never seemed bad to me when I was weak. Because now I know that weakness doesn’t mean losing. It simply means opening up. And that’s what I did.With you. I love you for making me feel like the strongest woman in the world — whether I’m having a weak moment or not. But at the same time…I’ll be insecure for the rest of my life if you say you never want to marry me. And it’s okay that you hate marriage. That you don’t need or want the whole enchilada. But it’s also okaythatI need and want it. So...” She smiled shakily. “…we want different things. It’s not the end of the world. It’s fine. We’re fine the way we are. Just not…compatible.”
And then she left because she didn’t want to be there anymore. It was the right thing to do.
And Connor didn’t stop her.
Chapter Twenty-Three
You can dress up a pile of shit, but it’s still a pile of shit.
Tips and tricks for every situation from divorce lawyer Connor Stone
I really would like to bring you a shovel for that, Connor. - Rachel
He didn’t know what else he could have said to Rachel.
He didn’t just tell women he was in love with them. He didn’tdothat. It had seemed so monumental to say the words…but they hadn’t been enough.
Why the hell couldn’t the words be enough?
Because I’m head over heels in love with you — but I don’t know what you want.
It wasn’t fair of her to ambush him with all those questions! These were questions he’d only recently started asking himself.Before Rachel, he hadn’t even met a woman he’d even considered…with whom he’d…
No! It was a load of bullshit that she’d demanded such important answers in the space of ten minutes. She may have used flowery words, but bullshit was bullshit!
Because I’m head over heels in love with you.
Fuck.
He paced angrily around his living room, running his hands through his hair and down the back of his neck, trying to calm himself, but unsuccessfully.
She couldn’t tell him that she loved him and then say they weren’t compatible — then leave before he fully comprehended what was going on. He hadn’t even been able to ask her how things had gone with her sisters! Or how she felt about the court date. He hadn’t been able to comfort or cheer her up, or tell her about the fun afternoon at Cian’s, which had ended with Ada hiding Gareth’s phone and him offering her half a million dollars to return it. She would have taken the deal if Cian hadn’t intervened.
Rachel hadn’t given him time. And that was all he wanted: time with her.
