She nodded. Good. Then she wouldn’t have to postpone the conversation. She would be brave and get it out of the way. How…wonderful.
“May I come in?” she asked.
“I wasn’t planning on letting you leave,” Connor remarked, amused, and her stomach fluttered at the thought that he might have meant the words.
She stepped inside and looked around. Connor’s huge apartment was completely black and white: furniture, surfaces, décor, everything. The way he dressed. The way Connor thought. Gray wasn’t really him, except when it came to relationships.
She closed her eyes, squared her shoulders, and turned to meet his gaze.
“Connor, were you serious when you said…? Is this only sex for you?”
He blinked in surprise. “What?”
“At the garden party. You said it wasonlysex,” she murmured. “Is that all you think we have?”
Connor opened his mouth and furrowed his eyebrows. “Well, no. We’re also…friends, aren’t we?”
“Friends?” she echoed hollowly.
“More than that,” he said quickly. “You know what I mean. So, no, it’s not only sex.”
“Then why did you say it?”
He blinked. “Because the others were annoying me. It made things easier. It closed the topic.”
She swallowed, her palms sweating. “So…you want to keep things easy? Like they are now?”
Connor scratched the back of his neck and tilted his head almost imperceptibly. “Rachel, to be honest, I’m a little confused. Why is it suddenly so important what my friends think of us?”
She took a deep breath and reminded herself to be strong. “To be completely honest, Connor, it’s because I want to get married and have kids. Because I’m head over heels in love with you — but I don’t know whatyouwant.”
She spoke the last words so loudly that they echoed off the high ceiling. They embedded themselves in the black carpet at her feet, reflected off Connor’s stunned face, and landed in his hands, which he clenched in his pockets.
“You…”
“Connor, are you serious?” she interrupted him uneasily.
“What? Could you maybe give me a moment to digest your words…”
“Are you serious about me?”
Connor closed his eyes and ran both hands through his hair. “Am I serious? I’m not misleading you. I obviouslywantyou – I…”
“Do you honestly never want to get married?”
“Rachel,” he said, laughing dryly. “Can you slow down a bit?”
“I don’t know if I can,” she admitted, her vision blurring. “I feel like I’m already up to my neck in it.”
“In what?” he asked, blinking.
“In a long-term relationship with you that you might not even want,” she whispered, the truth tasting bitter on her tongue. “So…are you serious? Do you honestly never want to get married? I heard you, when you said that to Gareth.”
Connor stared at her. He ran his thumb gently down her cheek, catching a tear she hadn’t even noticed. She could practically see his brain racing, as if he didn’t know where to start. Finally, he asked quietly, “Why is marriage so important to you?”
“It provides security.”
He pressed his lips together. “Nothing is truly secure, Rachel.”
