Matt nodded. “Sounds fair. And Lucy, don’t make Rachel cry either, okay? Because that makes Maddie cry, and…you know.” Then they went into the bedroom and closed the door.
Rachel smiled tiredly and sat on the short side of the L-shaped couch.
“So…” Lucy drawled. “I admit I raised my voice a bit too much, and it was harsh to call you heartless. I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that. I’m sorry.” She glanced at Maddie, who probably told her what to say, before sighing heavily. “Rachel. I don’t think you’re a bad person. I know you actually have a really big heart. I’m trying really hard to understand you too. I…love you, okay? You’re still my sister. But I’m losing patience. So tell me why you’re here. And why you don’t want to see Dad.”
She squared her shoulders and stood up straight because it gave her more confidence. “I’m here because I want to be here. Because Chicago wasn’t home. And I don’t want to see Dad…” Her eyes burned, and she took a shaky breath. “Because I’m afraid he’ll want to talk about Mom.”
Maddie sank next to Lucy and frowned. “What would be wrong with that?”
“Yeah,” Lucy confirmed. “Just tell him about all your one-on-one time with Mom. About all the times you got manicures or went to the movies together…”
“That’s just it. She wasn’t at the movies with me, Lucy,” Rachel whispered, curling her fingers into the seat cushion. “I was at the movies. But she just used it as an excuse. She dropped me off and used the time to…hop into bed with her coworker. Or her yoga instructor.” She spoke quietly, hoping the words would hurt less — but she knew she was fooling herself because Maddie and Lucy opened their mouths in shock. But she had to keep talking. Yank off the bandage. “I didn’tenjoybeing out with her alone because I was just a kid and didn’t know what to do. Because I loved her, and she said I’d only hurt you and Dad if I said anything. That I should understand that she was staying with Dad for our sake, but she wasn't happy. That she couldn’t tell him that because she had such a hard time communicating with him. It only happened a few times, but every time she suggested we do something together, I was terrified of what she was really planning.”
And naturally, when she looked up, the tears came. Of course, she’d made an empty promise to Dax. They flowed down her cheeks, dripping from Maddie’s chin, and clinging to Lucy’s eyelashes. Lucy, who stared at her with her mouth gaping.
“No. That can’t be… No. They were happy.”
“Sometimes, yes,” Rachel whispered. “Maybe even often. But whenever Mom got fed up and angry with Dad, whenever she felt constrained by him…” She rubbed her wet cheeks. “She couldn’t talk to him, so she cheated on him, instead. Why do you think I became a couples' therapist? It was because I thought that if she and Dad had gone to one, it might have saved them. I wanted to protect other couples, other children from that. Andthen I moved away and thought I’d put it behind me. I wanted to be far away from her — even though, of course, I loved her. She was a great mother, I know that!” It was important to her that they understood that, that she didn’t hate their mother, that their mother had just…made bad decisions. “But whenever Mom invited me…” She narrowed her eyes and shook her head. “That’s why I didn’t contact you. Because you would have wanted to know what we went through together — and I didn’t want to lie to you! Because I’d lied to you far too many times.”
“But…” Maddie sniffed, sucking in her lower lip. “Why didn’t you ever tell us?”
“Becausesheshould have!” Rachel’s voice trembled and rose. “But she had to go and die before she had the chance! She had to leave me alone with the secret, and now I can’t look Dad in the eye. I helped her cheat on him for years, and…I didn’t want to hurt you! Not again. I didn’t want you to think badly of Mom. That it would tear you apart like it tore me apart. I wanted to protect you, but most of all, I wanted to protect myself. I couldn’t bear to be responsible for your misery again.”
“Again?” Lucy echoed.
“Yes. Because I left you alone with Mom’s death and Dad’s problems. Because I should have been there…but couldn’t be. Because I couldn’t find any comforting words. Because I was so angry at her that I could barely grieve.”
“Oh, Rachel,” Maddie whispered, taking her hand so that her tears also dripped onto her skin.
“Fuck,” Lucy commented. “Now I really wish I’d never made thatheartlesscomment.”
Something creaked, and when Rachel looked up, irritated, she noticed the bedroom door open a crack. The next second, two boxes of tissues flew onto the couch before Dax whispered, annoyed, “We saidnotears!”
Then the door closed again. Rachel had to laugh, but it was more like a hiccup.
“I know,” Rachel whispered. “It’s a lot…maybe you would have been better off if I hadn’t told you. But Connor said I had a right to come clean with you and…”
“You should have told us much sooner!” Lucy cried, aghast. “And you have to tell Dad. He has a right to know.”
“I know,” she whispered, narrowing her eyes. “But I need your help with that. It’s so hard for me to ask this, because I wasn’t there for you, but…I can’t go to Dad alone. Everything inside me is against it. I know I should, that he’s not doing well, and I’m a psychologist, I could help, but I have nothing to give him or you except bad memories and new pain. All of you. I feel like I’ve spent my life making you miserable. Because Mom favored me. Because I wasperfectand everyone at school believed you two didn't measure up to me. You had a harder life because of me, so I thought if I left, it would be easier for me and you, but…I seem to keep making the wrong decision. Because I’ve missed you so much. And the last year has been horrible, and I wanted to call you every night, but I couldn’t burden you with my worries when I wasn’t helping you with yours, and…”
Suddenly, Maddie wrapped her arms around her and pulled her close, while Lucy sighed and came to sit on her other side.
“I hate it when the divorce lawyer is right. But maybe I really should have asked more about how you were doing,” she murmured in an oddly soft tone, stroking the back of her head.
“I probably wouldn’t have told you the truth,” Rachel admitted reluctantly, her voice muffled because she was crying on Maddie’s shoulder.
“Well, then…” Lucy said, and Rachel reluctantly laughed even though the tears wouldn’t stop flowing.
“But, Rachel, why did you leave Chicago now?” Maddie asked, confused. “What was so horrible there?”
She sank further into the couch, deeper into her sisters’ hugs, and nodded. She had to tell them everything. And that was exactly what she did.
She told them more about their mother. About the lawsuit in Chicago. About her friends, who had abandoned her as soon as the lawsuit was filed. About her loneliness during the last six months. About how it wouldn’t look good in court that she’d left town. She talked about her guilt and how she hated having to be Perfect Rachel. She talked and cried, and when she was finally finished, she felt completely wrung out and raw inside. It literally felt like she’d poured her heart out, leaving it dry and small, but hopeful.
Lucy and Maddie hadn’t interrupted her once. They just held her, handing her one tissue after another, and let her talk. They remained silent even after she’d finished.
Finally, Lucy whispered, “How is it that your head hasn’t exploded yet? If I had to carry all that information around on my own…”
