“But you smell like sex andyou,” he countered, kissing her neck before pulling his face back. “Besides, you don't leave my kitchen in a state that even Hailey’s personal petting zoo would find shocking.”
Rachel smiled and stroked his chin. “You know, you were complaining a lot about Alec today, but…you two seem close. You feel very comfortable in each other’s presence.”
He frowned and thought about it for a moment before replying, “I guess. We spent a lot of time together as kids. I babysat him and Allie, my youngest sister. Mallory, she’s only a year and a half younger than me, so she didn’t need a babysitter.” Just safer birth control. But he would’ve missed his niece, Sara. “Allie and Alec, on the other hand, took up most of my free time.”
“Are they that much younger than you?”
“Yes. Alec is thirty, five years younger than me, Allie seven years younger. Mall and I shared the chores, but then she got pregnant, and…yeah, she had other problems.”
“And your parents?” she asked quietly.
He smiled weakly. “You already figured that out.”
Her face expressed the guilt Alec should have felt about his messy kitchen. “I know,” she whispered. “But…it wasn’t fair of me to analyze you until I discovered your secrets. I should have waited until you told me.”
“That would never have happened,” he murmured, turning on his side to see her more easily. “It’s okay. That only upset me half as much as other unfair things you’ve said.”
She frowned. “Like what?”
“That I couldn’t make anyone happy,” he murmured, running his index finger over the soft hollow between Rachel’s neck and shoulder. “Because I can’t forget it.”
She swallowed. “That was…mean of me.”
“It wouldn’t bother me so much if there weren't some truth to it,” he admitted.
“No.” She shook her head vigorously. “What upset me…was that you were so terribly self-confident. All the time. That’s why I wanted to provoke you. But it’s not true. You’re making mehappy right now. Do you realize that?Me. You make Cian and Ada happy, and apparently, your brother too. He looks at you like you’re his personal hero.”
He smiled wearily. “He does not.”
“Yes, he does.”
“No. Alec knows me. Alec knows I’m not really admirable. I…” He hesitated, but finally said, “For a long time, I just didn’t want to make anyone but myself happy. For once. Which is why you were right, I guess. Mom always took responsibility for Dad’s happiness and it destroyed her. She was unhappy when he was unhappy and unhappy when he was happy. He exploited her emotionally so damn much. So, maybe I was meant to be selfish.” It was so easy for him to spill his secrets in the dark and warmth, with Rachel’s hand on his heart, talking about things that he’d forbidden himself to think about for a decade. He felt so damn…safe around her. With everything he did and said. And she knew most of it anyway. She had simply guessed. Somehow, she knew him without knowing him. “My mom always worked to support her four children. My dad pursued his dream of being a wood artist. And Mallory and I looked after our siblings. They idolized Dad. But I was so angry at him for being so infinitely selfish, for putting his art above the well-being of his family and letting Mom work herself into the ground. All because she couldn’t stop telling him how much she loved him and how much she supported him and his art. But there’s a fine line between support and sacrifice. Dad missed everything. Every school play and every important moment. He made Mom unhappy for so long — and she couldn’t let him go. Because he was her soul mate. Because you make sacrifices in marriage. Whatever that means.” He took a deep breath and placed a hand on his forehead. “For my fourteenth birthday, I asked my mom to file for divorce because I heard them arguing every night. I had to insist that Allie and Alec move into the attic so theywouldn’t find out. They don’t know the half of it. Mall knows more, but she had been sneaking out of the house as often as she could to avoid it…”
“And you’re the oldest,” she whispered. “You wanted to protect them. Take care of them. And your mom didn’t grant your birthday wish.”
“No. She laughed and said love and marriage were hard, and that I would understand one day. But I still don’t. I don’t understand why she even grieved when he died. I…I didn’t. Love and marriage may be hard, but if they make you more unhappy than happy, you should give them up. So yeah: I’d rather be alone and not have to make anyone happy.” The corners of his mouth twitched, even though it wasn’t funny.
“That sounds lonely,” Rachel whispered, tracing circles on his bare chest. “It’s a miracle you became such a successful lawyer.”
He raised his eyebrows in confusion. “Why?”
She smiled a small, almost shy smile. “Because it’s scientifically proven that the brains of people who are lonely for long periods of time tend to shrink. Or rather, wither. But you still appear to be smart.”
He laughed softly. “Thank you?”
“You’re welcome. And…I didn’t know back then that my words would trigger so much.” She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and when she opened them again, there was so much compassion in them that Connor’s chest automatically tightened. “I’m sorry I said you can’t make anyone happy. That I…hurt you. That and the fact that I spoke about your parents without you asking me to. I should have held back.”
He nodded. Because she was right. She had hurt him with that. His father had once said that real men only got angry, not hurt. And man, did those words make him angry…and hurt.
Most of his male clients acted like their divorce was a simple thing to cross off their to-do list. They only started crying after they left Connor’s office. It was as if they thought his opinion of them would worsen if he saw that they had cared about their marriage. But the opposite was true.
“I like it when you don’t hold back. Too many people bite their tongues around me,” he murmured, absentmindedly stroking her lower lip. “I like it when you get mean because I’m acting like an asshole. When you stop controlling yourself and start getting loud.”
She laughed a hoarse laugh. “You’re the first to tell me that. Most people like how calm and collected I am.”
He frowned. “But you’re not.”
Her laughter grew louder. “No,” she whispered. “But I’m just starting to see it.”
