Finally, he murmured, barely audibly, “She told me, Rachel.”
Her stomach lurched. “What? What’re you saying?”
“She told me she’d cheated on me. More than once. The day before she died.”
With a dry mouth, she blinked. Where had her heart gone? Her chest felt so empty. “What? No. That can’t be right.”
“Yes.” He lowered his gaze. “She said it was time to take responsibility for her actions. And…I forgave her.”
“You did… Why?” Rachel asked, stunned.
“Because she was right about me smothering her at times during our relationship. She was right, I never addressed things when I had problems.”
“What?” Lucy bristled. “But she hadaffairs.”
“Yes. And I was furious about it,” he said slowly. “But, to be honest…I’d suspected it for years. I just never said anything out of fear of ruining it.”
“What?” Maddie asked, now also taken aback. “How could you… No. How could you not have said anything? To Mom? Tous?”
He swallowed hard. “I didn’t want to tarnish your mother’s image for you. I had no idea that you…that she used you to cover up her affairs. If I had known…” Sighing, he buried his face in his hands. “Oh, Rachel. I’m so sorry. I wanted to carry that burden alone.”
“Does that mean we both…didn’t say anything for the same reason?” she asked, perplexed.
He smiled wearily. “It seems so.”
“But…I don’t understand!” Lucy cried out. “Then why do you miss her so much? Mom was wonderful when she wanted to be. I miss her. But she obviously had a lot of flaws. And you’re acting like she was perfect. Like she was perfection personified.”
A stern expression appeared around her father’s mouth. “I loved your mother very much — that doesn’t stop when the other person makes mistakes. Feelings like that don’t just go away. Yes, I was disappointed when she told me about her slip-ups. But…I was so glad to finally know why she became incredibly distant every few years. I was so relieved that she made the first move and was honest with me. We were married for more than thirty years. There were good times and bad, but we always got back together. I know most partners probably wouldn’t have let her get away with it. That’s okay. It was hard for me too. I guess everyone has to decide for themselves something like that. But I…I had hope that we could finally talk about our problems and find our old selves in the future. But she died before we could figure it out.”
Rachel stared at him. She didn’t know what to say. She would kill Connor if he cheated on her!
But when they had been out together, he hadn’t even looked at other women. He had declined other women’s advances when she told him she needed distance. The only real fault he could be accused of was…not wanting to get married.
“I know I should go to therapy,” her father continued quietly. “I know I didn’t handle the grief well and that I let you girls down. But it’s hard for me to admit to myself how long I deliberately closed my eyes to the obvious just because I loved your mother. How badly I treated myself and you. How could I admit that to a therapist? That I still love more than anything the woman who cheated on me. Some would say she doesn’t deserve it. It’s difficult to admit mistakes.”
Rachel swallowed and nodded. She understood and would still make sure he found a good therapist. She would help him. But first…first, she had to help herself. Which was okay.
“Excuse me for a moment,” she whispered as she rose and walked down the hall out into the withered front yard. She felt like she needed air.
But she wasn’t left alone. And she had the feeling she would never truly be alone again.
“I think I made a mistake,” she murmured, tilting her head back. “I shouldn’t have demanded that Connor make a decision right away. It was wrong to ask him if he wanted kids, a wedding, eternity, and then leave after just ten minutes! I shouldn’t have broken up with him at all. I…I feel like the ultimate hypocrite. I’ve helped people save their relationships every day for ten years…and I haven’t saved one of my own yet! He’s right. I gave up. Because I was scared. Because I thought he didn’t want what I wanted, and that there was no solution. But…I didn’t even give him an inch! I thought I was finally allowed to think about myself. But that’s not how it works. You can’tjustthink about yourself orjustabout others. I should have found the balance, I… Shit, shit, shit.” How could she have been so stupid? He’d asked her not to rush him. But it had hurt, and she’d wanted to get it over with…
“Wait,” Lucy said, who seemed confused. “You told him you loved him, asked him if he wanted marriage or kids…and didn’t give him twenty minutes to think about it?” she asked, perplexed.
Rachel shrugged. “Well, you said…”
“That you should ask him what he wants — not break up with him if he can’t give you a clear answer straight away!” Maddie’s eyes widened. “What’s more important to you, kids or marriage?”
“Kids, of course. But…”
“Rachel, you don’t have to get married these days. I’m honestly not sure I want to,” Lucy chimed in. “If Dax really wanted to, I’d probably give in at some point, but…I love him. He loves me. I trust him. And that’s a lot, as it is.”
Sheknewthat. And it must have seemed so monumental to Connor to confess that he was in love with her. But she hadn’t really appreciated it!
Shit. She’d made a mistake. She should have given him time. She always said everyone deserved time!
“Oh God. I’m an idiot. I know better than anyone that you can and should take your time with important decisions. Shit. Where the hell is Connor? How am I supposed to talk to him if he went on vacation?” She took a deep breath. “I’ll go see Cian and ask him. He should know. Or I’ll call Connor, but I really want to see him in person, I…”
