“Yes, but I want to get rid of them. Ihaveto get rid of all of this. I can’t…”
“They won’t go away if you don’t change something. Shit, you haven’t gotten rid of them in seven years!”
“I changed something,” he muttered tensely. “Hazel and I…”
“I can guess. Spare me the details, please.”
The corners of his mouth twitched. “I don’t know what happened. My brain suddenly stopped working. All my plans were gone, and then I broke up with Lacey just so I could sleep with Hazel again. How fucked up is that?” He rubbed his eyes.
But I wanted you, you idiot. I didn’t break up with you because I stopped wanting you. I fucking moved to L.A. because I couldn’t stop loving you!
After hearing her say those words, he’d lost all reason.
“I threw away a relationship. A woman I could have imagined marrying…just to have Hazel one last time. What the hell? I thought giving in just once was enough, but it wasn’t. What if it’s never enough, Cian? What if I’m stuck forever?”
“At least you admit you’re stuck, Gare. You didn’t do that seven years ago.”
“Yeah, fantastic.”
“It is.”
“But it doesn’t help! The whole thing back then messed me up, Cian. Hazel told me she loved me one week and dumped me the next. I can’t go through that again.” He closed his burning eyes. “I can’t handle it. I feel too much. I don’t know what to do with it. I always want everything…and I’m afraid of ending up with nothing. I can’t tell right from wrong, or sensible from absurd. What I want and what I need…”
“You’re not used to allowing so many feelings.”
“I didn’tallowanything,” he snapped at his friend. “That sounds like I did it willingly. I didn’t give permission for anything that happened tonight! And now I’m lying on my best friend’s damn floor, my friend who’s been telling me for months that it wouldn’t work with Lacey. You knew better all along, but I didn’t listen to you, to any of you. God, if even emotionally illiterate Connor thought I was wrong, I should have been seriously worried about my mental state!”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I don’t care what most people think. But you…”
“We know that.”
“Fine, I...fuck.” He squeezed his eyes shut tighter. “I’m a wreck. One evening and I’m finished. This is all so damn reckless of me, Cian! It's ridiculous. She’s anagent. A business associate. If Penny finds out…fuck, if anyone finds out…she’ll suffer so much more than I will. I should know better. I…”
“Gare, take a step back,” Cian said quietly. “Hazel’s a grown woman...she can make her own decisions. And don’t think for a second about the consequences or how complicated it might get. Just answer me one question: What do you want?”
“Her.”
The word flowed too easily from his lips, but there was no point in holding back, no point in thinking too long about something he already knew.
“For a few nights? Forever? In your bed? Your life?”
“How would I know?”
Cian snorted. “Then you’d better find out.”
“But how can I do that without getting deeper into trouble?”
“Oh, Gareth.”
Gareth opened his eyes and met Cian’s pitying gaze.
“You’re already in trouble,” his friend informed him matter-of-factly. “Why not enjoy the whole thing and see what happens? I know you like to plan everything and know every outcome in advance so you can maintain control. But think of it as an experiment. Do what you want, without all your exhausting, overly restrictive rules. You’ve been so miserable these last few months. What do you have to lose?”
“I wasn’t miserable, I…”
“Gareth. You achieved your life goal, but it didn’t feel the way you imagined, and now you have nothing to work towards. It’s making you unhappy.”
