“You should wash your hands and go,” she murmured, her gaze skimming his exhausted features.
“Mm hm,” he said, taking a deep breath but not moving.
She bit the inside of her cheek. “Gareth…are you okay?” she asked, her voice so gentle she surprised herself.
He nodded slowly, but kept his eyes closed. “I’m just tired. So damn exhausted. It’s exhausting having to have the sameconversations over and over again. Having to prove over and over again that I’m good enough. That I’m okay the way I am.”
Hazel’s mouth went dry — and the next moment Gareth’s eyes widened in shock.
It was as if he’d suddenly realized he’d been too open and honest. As if he’d slipped back a fraction of a second to when they’d told each other everything and was shocked by his carelessness.
But Hazel didn’t mind. Quite the opposite. She preferred it this way. Gareth spent too much timenotsaying words.
“You don’t sleep much, Gare. It’s not strange that you’re tired,” she whispered.
He took a shuddering breath and rubbed his thighs with the palms of his hands, spreading the dirt over his immaculate suit trousers, but he didn’t seem to care. “It’s not the sleepless nights that tire me out,” he said hesitantly. “Beingmemakes me tired. Fuck. Has life always been this exhausting?”
She smiled. “I think so.”
“Yeah?” Slowly, he looked into her eyes. “I feel like I didn’t use to have strange ideas imposed on me back then by everyone and their mother. Back then, not everyone knew better.”
“Knew what better?”
“How to live my life,” he whispered. “What I should want from life. Back then, no one ever told me I should be nicer, more empathetic, more emotional, to show that I wasn’t a robot. Before, no one told me what I should do and say to justify what I own and what I’ve achieved.”
“That’s silly. You don’t have to justify what you’ve achieved.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Just for being an asshole and giving up on trying to get along with the people around me?”
She swallowed. “I wasn’t trying to tell you how to…that you…”
“I know,” he replied sharply. “And I think even if I was nicer, people would still say I didn’t deserve my money and power.”
“Of course you do!” She pressed her lips together because, of all the things he should be worrying about, that wasn’t even on the list! “Gareth, you’ve always worked harder than everyone else.”
He looked away. “I realize that, but apparently, the world doesn’t. And it judges me every damn second of the day.” He took a deep breath. “I know you’re probably right, that I’ve become too rigorous and unyielding. That I only care about myself and don’t consider others enough, and that I don’t try hard enough to prove to others that I’m not an asshole. But why the hell should I? They'll think whatever they want, anyway. Why do I have to explain to them how much I’ve given up, how little I’ve slept, and how hard I’ve worked just so they’ll let me enjoy my wealth? Why do I have to prove to them that I’m not a bad person? Why do I have to prove toeveryonewho I am and that it’s fucking okay!”
“You don’t have to,” she said, puzzled. “Honestly, I don’t understand this whole conversation. I mean, since when do you care what other people think of you?”
“Since you said you weren’t sure if I’d ever judged you, Hazel.”
Shocked, she opened her mouth, and her heart skipped a beat. He’d been thinking about their conversation all week? “I… I’m sorry,” she said, perplexed, wringing her hands anxiously. “I didn’t think my words would…”
“You were wrong,” he interrupted sharply, leaning forward and resting his forearms on his legs. He rubbed his hands together just as nervously as she did.
She swallowed. “I honestly believed that you didn’t care what people thought.”
“You are notpeople,” he said quietly.
Her stomach fluttered, and she couldn’t help but look at his profile. His tense jaw. His sincere eyes. He meant every word.
“Gareth,” she whispered, astonished. “I’ve been insulting you for years.”
He shook his head. “Not really, Hazel. I know you. You have to bark to defend your position every day because, otherwise, the industry would swallow you whole. I understand. But…otherwise, you remain superficial. You only hurt egos, not feelings.”
Her heart rate quickened.
She had hurt his feelings?
