The wink he shot me made it obvious he was implying that his day was good because of me. I rolled my eyes, then stepped into the elevator without responding when the door opened. I was seriously not in the mood to get hit on.
Like the other times, the fake blonde was behind the desk when I stepped out of the elevator. Unlike before, however, a blonde woman was sitting on the overstuffed couch in the waiting room. She was younger than me, it only took one glance to determine that, and wore a contented expression that made it clear this was a happy occasion for her. She also had a slightly rounded stomach that made my sour mood even worse.
As if sensing me looking at her, the woman lifted her head. She offered me a tentative smile, and while I forced myself not to scowl, I also didn’t return it. Even if I realized that none of this was her fault and she had a right to be happy, I was much too bitter to pretend.
The woman’s smile faded, and she looked away.
“Miss Murphy!” Department of Fertility Barbie exclaimed, beaming. “I heard the good news this morning when I arrived. Congrats on being fertile!”
Was there no such thing as patient confidentiality anymore? This woman was just the receptionist and shouldn’t know my medical history, and she definitely shouldn’t be allowed to announce my personal information to the entire waiting room. It was such a violation of privacy, and it made me furious.
Since there was nothing I could do about it, I pushed my angry retort down and said, “I’m here.”
Department of Fertility Barbie’s smile faded. “Yes. You are.”She typed a few things into the tablet in front of her, her nails clicking much too loudly in the mostly silent room. “I’ll let the doctor know. You can take a seat.”
I sat as far away from the pregnant woman as possible, which I was sure she didn’t miss.
Not wanting to look at her again for both our sakes, I focused on the fish tank while I waited. My gaze zeroed in on a bright blue creature as it twisted around the fake foliage and bubbles like it was swimming an obstacle course. I wanted to find some of the Zen I’d managed to conjure up on the walk here, because this appointment was inevitable, and there was no point in going in there defensive and angry. As much as I hated this, as much as I resented the people who worked here, I needed them to be my allies throughout this process so we could get through it as quickly and painlessly as possible. Once it was all done, then I could tell them to go to hell for the part they’d played in hijacking my uterus. And I would. I would tell each and every one exactly what I thought of them.
The thought made me smile, which contrasted with my sour mood but also eased some of my angst. The smile melted away when the frosted glass door I’d now come to despise opened and Hilary stuck her head out.
She looked around, her expression brightening when she spotted me. “Ara!”
I could feel the eyes of both the other woman and the receptionist on me as I got to my feet, but not wanting to see their expressions, I keep my focus on Hilary. It made it possible to convince myself that if I were to meet the gazes of the other two women, I would see sympathy and understanding in their eyes rather than excitement, which allowed me to feel like I wasn’t completely alone.
Hilary pushed the door open wider as I made my way toward her. “And how are we feeling today? Excited? Nervous? Both are normal.”
How about furious?I thought.Is that normal?
“I’m fine,” was what I chose to say out loud.
Hilary’s smile faltered but only a little. “I know it’soverwhelming, but like I’ve said, there’s nothing to worry about. The program is designed to take as little toll on you as possible.”
She had to be kidding. One glance at her, though, told me she really believed that, and it had all the bitterness rising in me again. How could she not understand what a huge toll this process was going to take on me? It wasn’t just the physical aspect, although that was going to be huge, but the emotional one as well. Whether or not I got pregnant, whether or not I chose to keep the baby, I would be a different person when this was all done.
When I said nothing, Hilary looked past me to the waiting room. “We’ll be with you shortly, Mrs. Billings,” she said to the other woman. “Inseminations, as you know, take precedence over checkups.”
“I’ll be right here whenever you’re ready for me,” the blonde said in a slightly southern accent.
I ground my teeth in irritation and stepped through the door.
Hilary eyed me warily as she released the door. It closed with a whoosh as we started walking, her in the lead and me a few steps behind. My body was leaden, my mind weighed down with worry, and I was torn between the desire to scream and the urge to run. None of this felt real, and yet it was. Very, very real.
Hilary stopped outside an open door and gestured for me to enter. I did, freezing when I spotted the exam table. The stirrups were already out.
“Here’s our patient!” a much too chipper voice said,
I spun to face the door just as a nurse stepped into the room, at first taken aback by the fact that I didn’t recognize her, but then grateful it wasn’t the woman who despised me. Maybe that would make this process easier.
The new nurse, who looked to be in her fifties, barely glanced at me before she began pulling things from the cabinets on the other side of the room. “Once I step out, I’m going to need you to undress from the waist down. There’s a hook behind the door for your clothes or you can fold them and put them on a chair. Whichever you prefer. I need you to clean yourself from front to back with two of these wipes, and you can cover yourself withthis.” She set a folded paper sheet on the bed, two small square packets on top. “Any questions?”
“No.”
“Do you have anything you’d like to talk about before we call the doctor in?” Hilary asked, drawing my attention to her.
She stared at me expectantly, a smile plastered on her face.
“No,” I repeated.
