The carafe fell in slow motion, the light streaming in from the living room window catching on the glass as it spun in the air, the heavier top causing it to flip. It slammed against the old, hardwood floor top first, and the plastic lid broke off and skidded across the room, then the body hit with a crash, and the glass shattered into dozens of pieces. Some were tiny shards while others were large slivers that spun a few times before coming to a stop. All of them were sharp. Sharp enough to cut.
I’d had moments after my time at the farm when I might have been what someone would have considered depressed, but never before had I thought about cutting myself. In that moment, though, standing in my living room with the broken shards spread out around my feet, all I could think about was picking up the biggest piece and running it down my arm. Would the pain distract me from the throbbing inside? I imagined it would.Imagined it would drown out every other emotion and anxiety.
My focus on the largest shard, I knelt, careful not to move my feet as I did. My hand was out, the glass inches from my fingers and my heart thudding in my ears, when Trevor came rushing from the bedroom.
“Holy shit, Ara! Don’t move. Stay where you are!”
The worry in his voice snapped me out of it, and I lifted my head, tearing my gaze from the glass scattered around me. Still crouched, I watched Trevor shove his feet into his shoes then hurry toward me, the glass crunching under the thick soles.
Trevor scooped me into his arms when he reached me, cradling me against his chest. He was wearing only boxers, and his bare skin was warm against mine, which was what made me realize that I was shivering. I clung to him like a frightened child as he picked his way through the shards, the glass crunching under his heavy tread with each step.
When he had me away from danger, he deposited me on the couch. He flopped down beside me then, letting out a long breath that illustrated how exhausted he was. There was something else there as well, though. Exasperation.
He pushed his glasses up and ran his hand down his face, over the brown stubble on his chin and cheeks, then blew out another long breath before turning to me. “What the hell was that?”
“I dropped the carafe,” I replied, hoping he’d let it go.
He narrowed his eyes, which were bloodshot but sharp and alert. “Don’t bullshit me, Ara. You were reaching for glass when I came out of the bedroom. What the fuck is going on? And don’t tell me nothing because I know you better than that.”
“I don’t know,” I mumbled.
He looked me over with eyes that were narrowed to slits. “Are you suicidal?”
My heart jumped and my stomach flipped, but I wasn’t sure what the reaction meant. I wasn’t, but I had been thinking about cutting myself. That signified some kind of mental instability, didn’t it? But how bad was it? I couldn’t say.
“Ara,” he urged when I said nothing. “Answer –”
“I’m not,” I said quickly. “I’m having a hard time, yes, but I swear, I’m not suicidal.”
He pressed his lips together. “You weren’t planning on picking up a shard of glass?”
“I was. I don’t even know why, but I swear I wasn’t thinking about killing myself. I just had this crazy idea that if I cut myself, it might lessen the other pain.”
“Jesus Christ,” Trevor muttered.
He pushed his glasses up and pinched his nose, a long sigh whooshing out of him. I sat at his side, silent and feeling like a kid in trouble but also like I’d let him down. No, not just him. Both of us. I’d let myself down, too. I was supposed to be stronger than this. Supposed to be able to get through this insane program unscathed. What was I doing?
“I’m sorry,” I said when the silence had stretched out too long. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t understand any of this. It’s not me.I’mnot me.” I paused. “That’s the worst part, you know? That I no longer have any control. My life belongs to someone else, and it pisses me off. And maybe that was my reasoning. Maybe I just wanted to have a little bit of control in what happened to me.”
“By hurting yourself?” he asked, sounding both confused and appalled.
“Why not? I’m already in pain. At least this way, I would be in charge of why I was hurting.”
Trevor looked at me for a long moment, his gray eyes serious and swimming with hurt. “Don’t do that to me, Ara. Okay? Don’t leave me. Not like that. I mean, you’re all I have. My only family. My closest and oldest friend. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
His voice cracked on the last sentence, which twisted my heart into knots and made me hate myself just a little. What had I been thinking? Not about anyone but myself, that was for sure.
I took his hand, whispering, “I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. I swear.”
“And if you have thoughts like that again, you’ll tell me?”
“I’ll tell you,” I agreed.
He held my gaze for a few seconds before letting out a long breath, obviously believing me. Which I was glad of because I was telling the truth. I still didn’t completely understand what had come over me, but I wouldn’t let myself go down that road again because doing that would mean they won, would mean they had taken all of me.
As Trevor refilled his lungs, his attention shifted to the mess on my kitchen floor. “I guess I should clean that up.”
“I can help,” I said, starting to stand.
