I was awake and waiting for him when he slipped into the room, undressed, and slid into bed, pulling me close. His skin was warm and his scent familiar, and his mouth found mine in the darkness without issue. The kisses were gentle but hesitant, and even before he pulled away, I knew the inevitable conversation was coming.
“It happened?” he asked.
“It happened.”
Marc pressed his lips to the side of my head. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “Sorry this is something you have to deal with. It’s my problem. Not yours.”
“Your problems are my problems now.”
I shrugged to let him know I didn’t totally agree.
After a beat of silence, he said, “What are you going to do if you get pregnant?”
“I never wanted to be a mom, Marc. I told you that. My mind hasn’t changed.”
He exhaled. “I know.”
“Okay, then.” I hesitated. “How will you feel about it?”
“I don’t know.” He let out a long breath. “Despite getting tested, I’ve never given being a father much thought. I mean, once my high school girlfriend and I broke up, it wasn’t something I really needed to worry about. It seemed so unlikely, you know? But I’m not going to lie, though, knowing it could be mine is going to be strange.”
“I’m sorry,” I said again.
He pressed his lips to mine then whispered, “Don’t be. I knew what I was getting into just like you did. And you’re worth it.”
I hoped he still thought that when the inevitable moment came.
Time in the Stanley Hotel was strange. Sometimes it moved at an impossible speed, and other times it seemed to drag on forever. The week following the insemination moved at a snail’s pace, but the week following that flew by. Every time I went to the bathroom, I prayed I’d have my period, and each time, I wasdisappointed. Days ticked by faster than I would have liked, and nothing changed, until finally two weeks had passed, and my little friend still hadn’t arrived.
I held out hope that it was just late, though. It was rare but it had happened last month – although there had been some speculation by others that I’d had an early miscarriage – and I knew it could happen again. Hoped it would because now that the added complication of Marc was in the mix, I knew for certain I wanted the program to fail no matter how much more time it added to my sentence. I did not want to have to wonder if the life growing inside me belonged to the man I loved or a stranger.
I was disappointed yet again.
“Positive!” Hilary declared, a huge smile on her face as she waved the test. “Congratulations, Miss Murphy.”
I thought I was going to be sick.
“Positive?” I repeated, not believing it.
My head felt light, so I lowered myself onto the chair in the corner of the cubicle, too shocked to speak. It was positive. I was pregnant. This couldn’t be happening.
“Now, now,” Hilary said as she tossed the test in the trash, pulled off her gloves, and threw them away as well, “don’t look so glum. This is good news. Especially now that the pandemic is so bad.”
Was she supposed to tell me that? We hadn’t been told much about the state of the world, but I’d been filled in by Marc and knew how bad things were. How many people had died – tens of thousands already – and how the CDC was telling people to prepare for even more losses. I was pretty much alone in that, though, since the phone lines still hadn’t been fixed and we had zero access to the news.
“I know you’ve been through all this before,” Hilary was saying, “but things are slightly different here. Don’t worry, though, I’ll be with you every step of the way. And I know you’ve had some trouble sleeping lately, so don’t be afraid to ask for a sleeping aid if you need it. And take naps. Rest is important.”
She droned on, but I barely listened. I couldn’t. I was too busy thinking about the new life inside me and wondering whothe father was. Wondering how I was going to get through this.
I couldn’t tell Marc.I tried, but that night when he climbed into bed with me, I found it impossible to form the words. I’d practiced all day in my mind and then even once I was in my room, saying it out loud for the first time.
“Marc, I’m pregnant.”
But when he was with me, I couldn’t make the words come out. Then he was kissing me, and I told myself I would tell him after so it didn’t ruin the mood, but even then, as I lay in his arms and he talked about the most recent developments in the pandemic, I couldn’t say anything. I had gone mute.
“The rumors are too rampant for them to deny it any longer, so the government finally came out and admitted they’ve moved all the fertile women to secure locations,” he was saying. “I thought people would be pissed about it, and some are, but for the most part, they’re acting relieved.”
