That I still loved him.
Would it have changed anything if I’d told him?
The doorbell rang, and I ignored it. I didn’t care who was out there. They didn’t matter nearly as much as staying in the safety of my own bedroom, in my own bed, where I could languish in peace.
It rang again, and I squeezed my eyes closed. I didn’t know who would be so insistent…
Then again, maybe the police had finally come.
A part of me was relieved.
I sat up, running my hand through my tousled hair as the doorbell rang a third time.
Definitely the police. No one else would bother trying to reach me more than once, let alone three times.
I paused long enough to put on my shoes. They’d probably take me right from the door, and I didn’t want to be barefoot when they took me in. As it was, I looked like shit, wearing the same clothes I had for days in the same sheets in the same bed. I felt like shit, too, so it was only fair. I wished I had time for a shower so I wouldn’t look so disgusting, but then, one glance in the mirror would be enough to remind me that I was always hideous.
A fourth time.
They wouldn’t stay polite for long. It was only a matter of time before they busted through the door like they did on television, coming to take me in like I was a dangerous criminal.
No, like the dangerous criminal I was.
It was all over.
I wondered, briefly, if he’d visit me in jail.
No. He’d want to forget about me, and I didn’t blame him.
I trudged to the door, unlocking it and opening the door to sunlight so bright it made my eyes hurt. But there weren’t police officers at my door.
There was one man there, just one, and he…
He was Toby.
Ryder.
Toby.
He was both, and he was neither…
And he was mine.
“Hi,” he said awkwardly. Unlike me, he looked well-groomed, his hair recently cut so it no longer fell into his face.
“Hi,” I said, not sure what else to say.
“Can I come in?”
I glanced behind him, still expecting the police to descend upon me at any moment, still waiting for them to come in and take me away. But they weren’t there. No one was. There wasn’t even a car.
“Yeah,” I said, stepping back and gesturing for him to enter. I closed the door behind him, still stunned — and ashamed of how I looked and probably smelled. How many dayshadit been since I’d bathed…?
He reached up to touch my cheek then cupped both of them in his palms. Like before, he kissed me, so sweetly it made my heart ache.
“Hello,” he whispered this time. “I missed you.”
I could barely breathe. I put my arms around him, and he pressed close to me before pulling back a little with a wrinkle of his nose.
