“Thank you,” I said again. The gratitude was genuine, which was one of the things that bothered me the most. How had he turned everything upside down like he had?
Why did I keep doubting everything?
“You’re looking deep in thought,” he said, his thumb rubbing over my chin as he took my face in his hands. “Penny for your thoughts?”
I didn’t want a fucking penny. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare.
“Just thinking how grateful I am to be up here instead of downstairs,” I lied. I didn’t even know if that would be enough or if he’d get offended.
Thankfully, he didn’t. “Good,” he said with a nod, pulling me close like I was a stuffed animal instead of a human being. “Just remember that. It’s much better being up here than it is down there. I’d hate to have to put you back.”
The thought was like ice water through my veins, chilling me from the inside out. It made me that much more afraid of what he planned on doing with me. I wasn’t idiotic enough to think he’d suddenly stop everything he was doing because he was infatuated with me. He’d still expect me to do the same things I’d done down in the basement, no matter how shitty it made me feel.
And what was more…
He would expect me to do more than that.
My stomach churned at the memory of him asking me if I’d give him a blowjob, and I thought I’d be sick as I remembered my own answer. Yes, I would, because there was no choice. If I didn’t, he’d take something else away, and I had so little left to give.
“I’ll behave,” I told him, my voice cracking on the words. What other option did I have? Creepy as it was, I preferred this to the cell and the mitts.
“I know you will,” he said with far more confidence than he should’ve felt.
Resentment bubbled up within me, but what could Ireally say? He did know I would because there wasn’t any other option. I might want to fight and beg and cry and flee, but none of those things were going to do me any good. And if I was good…
I glanced at the mitts beside the bed, shuddering. I could deal with the harness and the collar as long as I didn’t have to wear those things. Claustrophobia threatened to weigh me down when they were on my hands. The sheer helplessness of not being able to use them was more soul-rending than I would’ve imagined. How was I going to get through it if he decided to put them back on?
He followed my gaze, dropping his hold on my chin and reaching for my hands. He entwined his fingers in mine, murmuring, “They’ll stay off for today as long as you’re good. I promise.”
The promises of a madman didn’t mean a whole hell of a lot, but I’d take what I could get… even if that seemed to come with a skewed idea of romance. It made no sense in the wake of all that had happened. In some ways, this was a little more disturbing than what had happened in the basement. At least the torment had been expected there, but out here? The sweet behavior edged with danger was more frightening.
I tried not to flinch, not wanting to give him any reason to change his mind, but it was hard.
“Are you hungry?” he asked.
I didn’t want another meal fed to me, but then, I didn’t want to eat another meal out of a dog bowl either. That had been more degrading than I had words for, and I could almost feel the gravy smeared over my nose as I’d chased after bits of food.
I nodded.
“What do you say?”
Fuck, whatdidI say? Were we still playing those games, or had he shifted into something else entirely? Did he expect me to call him something like “love”? I stuck with the familiar, the word that had been drilled into me, instead.
“Yes, I’m hungry, Master,” I said after a pause.
The words made him smile, his touch remaining light on my skin then.
What did he want from me? Did he want to gently touch me like we were lovers, to be treated as something more? Or did he want the pet and slave he was training me to be?
Did he want both? How would that even work?
Despair spilled over me at the thought. There was no way I could manage to keep that balance, which meant I’d provoke his ire and have to deal with the consequences of that failure.
I hated the idea that I’d fail no matter what I tried to do. I hated the idea that I cared so much about making this man happy.
What had happened to me?
I was desperate to survive, that was what, and it meant doing things I’d never even imagined before.
