Poetry Night was originally my idea, years ago when Graham had been looking for ways to bring in more money. I was involved in the writing community back then; one thing led to another, and soon Graham’s Bar was hosting quarterly Poetry Nights. The events were a hit, consistently bringing in a profit, so Declan continued it after taking over the bar.
Since the renovation, the crowds have gotten even bigger, which means more revenue… but it also means they wear me out faster. Not only in planning the drinks, but in dealing with the people and being around that community. Feeling their enthusiasm cuts me deep. Every time.
I miss that part of my life more than anything, and there are many days I fear I won’t get it back.
Declan presses his lips into a thin line. “I used to say that a lot, you know. That I’m fine. But Seth made me realize how heavy it gets after a while, carrying it by yourself.”
I turn away, fiddling with some loose change in my pocket.
“All I’m saying is we’re a team, Jordan. Don’t forget that.”
Declan acts like he understands, but he never will. He’s never lived in the darkness like I have. He grieved Graham, sure, but I havedecadesof walking around with this shadow on my shoulders. Decades of it swallowing me whole. And now that I have to watch him and Seth love on each other in perfect happiness?
It reminds me every damn day what I’m missing.
I fist my hands, willing myself to stay calm. I don’t want to ruin our day, but fuck him. Maybe I shouldn’t have come. I am so sickof fighting this. It takes so much effort to evenbehere, and that’s something Declan will never understand.
Anchors, Jordan. Find the fucking anchors.
After we buy snacks for the movie, we stop at the self-service station so Piper, Declan, and Korie can add extra butter to their popcorn, then hurry off to the theater. The only available seating is near the top. Not my favorite, but it’ll work.
Piper sits on my left, Declan on my right, with Seth, Quinn, and Ian on the other side of him. Holden and Korie are beyond them.
As we wait for the movie to start, I catch myself wondering what snacks Miles would have chosen if he were with me. Would he get popcorn or candy? And if so, what kind? I always go for Whoppers or Mike and Ikes if I’m in the mood, but rarely popcorn. I can never handle more than a couple of handfuls of the stuff, so I take some from Declan if the mood strikes.
Would Miles share his popcorn? Would he let me hold his hand after the previews? The thought makes me smile. I’d love to hold him in bed too, when we’re alone. I’m starting to think I would love to do a lot of things with Miles… if my brain would allow it.
You can come visit me.
God. The way my heart galloped when he said that. I would love to meet Miles. This morning had been fun. I’ve never jerked off for someone. In fact, I usually have to talk myself into doinganythingwith a partner, since I struggle to get hard at all. But that hadn’t been the case this morning. It took effort, yes, but not as much.
Was it because of the conversation? Or was it because I’d felt connected to Miles in a way I’ve never experienced before? I felt safe with him as we talked. Drawn to him. I wantedmore.Which is extremely rare for me.
Everything about Miles is rare. The sweet man broke through my barriers with the force of a down pillow, covering me with softness when I least expected it. Instead of poking at my open wound, he sat with me, talked with me, and gave me the space to be myself. He didn’t spit false platitudes or try to convince me it’s not as bad as it feels. Because he understood it. Miles has gone through it.
Miles not only welcomed my burden, but he carried it by staying on the video call when I didn’t have energy to talk. That was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me. For the first time, I didn’t feel alone.
I rub at my anchor tattoo, wishing he wasn’t so far away.
“You okay?” Piper whispers beside me.
I glance at her. “Yeah. Fine.”
“Is your mind busy?” It’s her way of sayingis your mind being a dick?
“I’m fine,” I say again. I really am too. That’s what’s shocking. The weight isn’t there.
Finally, the lights dim, and the movie begins. I’d chosen an action packed sci-fi, and it holds my attention the entire time… even if it makes me think of Charlie. I miss that guy. Will I ever go back to his story?
Afterwards, we walk across the street to our favorite pizzeria. Holden and Korie join us. It’s a small place with mismatched chairs and thrift-store decor. One of those places where the only theme is there is no theme. Anything goes. But we love their food and try to come often. The brick oven pizzas are gooey and covered in herbs. Absolutely delicious.
“Grab a table. I’ll order a variety,” I say.
“I can get the drinks,” Holden offers.
“You don’t need to.”
He doesn’t take no for an answer, following me to the counter.
