He nods. “We weren’t really family then, though. Declan was Graham’s partner before he died. But Declan and I weren’t really close until after. We just didn’t make the time to be. Then Graham left the bar to Declan in his will, and Declan needed help keeping it afloat, so Piper and I started working there.”
“Is that where you’re working now?”
He nods again.
“Wow. I’m so sorry, Jordan. That must’ve been so difficult.” I wish I could reach through the screen to hug him.
“What makes it worse is, Graham kind of saved my life when I met him. That was," he tilts his head again slightly, letting his hair fall from where it lays on his shoulder, “thirteen years ago now. About two years after my dad died. My brother was in prison—still is. My sister went MIA right out of high school. I have no idea where she is or if she’s even still alive since she was into drugs. Haven’t talked to her at all. When my dad died, it crushed me. He wasn’t a great dad by any means, but he was what I had. Then I went on a spontaneous trip to Santa Monica for a music festival and met Graham. We just kind of hit it off.”His face changes. “Not like that, I mean. We weren’t lovers or anything. He was literally twenty years older than me, so he took me in like a big brother.” Jordan sighs. “Anyway, he was my best friend for about nine years until he died.”
I don’t know what to say. Jordan’s grief is suffocating. “But you and Declan are close now?”
“Yeah. We’re family. I mean, Piper was Graham’s half sister, but we all became family after he died. Dec’s new partner too.”
“Declan’s dating again?”
“Engaged, actually. He had it pretty rough for a while, but he finally met a new guy, and yeah, he’s happy again. I really like him. Seth’s good for Dec.”
“He’s the one with the son?”
“Yeah, he’s twenty-four.”
I draw a family tree in my head, mentally connecting all the dots together, just like I do with my patients. “Good. That’s good. I’m glad he’s happy again.”
When he doesn’t say anything else, I ask, “Do you still want to travel?”
Jordan doesn’t reply for a long time. He stares at something off screen, before making apspspssound. A moment later, he picks Clematis off the floor.
“I don’t know,” he says finally. “I really don’t. I think about it now and it just… I don’t know if I can.”
“Because of Declan and Piper?”
“No, they’d be fine. And the business is going well. It would be fine without me now.”
“Then why?”
He bites his lower lip, long dark hair falling over his shoulder. “I think, because I wouldn’t be able to share it withhim,” he says simply. “I think that’s the thing that guts me the most, Miles. Graham is the one who planted the seed. He used to do it before we met, so he had all these stories of his own trips. On foot, thenon his boat. He saw the whole fucking world. Did things I could only dream of. He was only starting to settle down when I met him, so he talked about it all the time. I think it just kindled a fire in me, you know?”
“Yeah.” I pull a knee up, listening.
“Anyway, sorry. I don’t mean to be a downer.”
“No, don’t apologize. I like hearing about your life. What was your remote job? If you don’t mind me asking.”
“I was a ghost writer, actually. For a few different authors.”
My eyes widen. “No way, really?”
He nods. “Made good money doing it too.”
“That’s so cool. Do you still write?”
He lets Clematis go. “Not anymore.”
“Why not?”
“I… can’t.”
“Can’t, or don’t want to?” I ask gently.
