He makes a face. “I thought so too, but that got old quick.”
Yeah, I know that feeling. Eventually, it just makes the loneliness worse. Plus, I am rarely ever in the mood for sex, but that’s beside the point.
“How about you? Have you ever had a boyfriend?” he asks quietly.
“A few. Nothing too serious, though. Dated some women too.”
Miles twists to stretch his back, and yet again, my heart skips a beat at all that bare skin. “I had a boyfriend in college, but believe me, if I ever see that guy again, I’m running in the opposite direction.”
“Did he break your heart?”
“No, we just didn’t work out. I think we kinda used each other, to be honest. We were each other’s first openly gay guy outside of high school, you know? So we were both an experiment, and we unashamedly took advantage of that. But yeah, he woke me up to the kind of guy I want too, so I can’t hate him completely.”
“Which is?”
He flashes me a smile. “Why? Looking to see if you fit?”
“Maybe.”
He chuckles.
I scratch Clematis’s back, ignoring her pleading meow. “What do you want in a guy?”
He seems confused. “You really want to know?”
“Tell me.”
He chews his lip, sitting back. His voice lowers. “I want someone who isn’t afraid of trying new things, but who also knows what he wants and needs. I don’t mind caring for someone—I enjoy it actually, but I don’t want to have to figure it out for him, you know? I want him to just tell me.”
“Make sense, when you figure stuff out for patients all day at work.”
“Exactly. I want someone who is independent, but who also enjoys my company. I don’t want to be their boyfriend just so they can say they have one.”
I pull one knee up to support my phone. “Like the guy from college?”
“Yeah, kinda.” Miles pulls more yarn from the skein. He’s quiet for a long moment.
“What else?” I don’t know why I’m so curious. It’s not like I can date him when he’s three states away.
Miles shifts, his face turning dreamy. “I want a guy who likes lazy mornings as much as I do, but who is also happy with a sexy night out. Someone with passion, but also romance. And before you laugh, yes, I do believe they’re different.”
“Oh, I agree with you,” I say quickly.
Miles smiles a little. “Your turn. What do you want in a partner?”
He didn’t say guy, like he knows he might not be the right one for me.
“It’s funny you mention someone who knows what they need, because I’ve been learning a lot about that lately. What I need, I mean. It’s very different from what I thought I’d want.”
Miles looks up from his hands, waiting for me to elaborate.
“I need patience and understanding, especially with my mental illness. I need someone who knows when to push me, but also when to pull meback if I’m getting too lost in my thoughts.” Clematis begins kneading the comforter, pulling my attention away. “I get lost in my head sometimes…” All the time. Pretty much every waking moment is spent battling there. “Anyway, I need someone who can let me be. So I don’t have to beonall the time, pretending I’m okay.”
“Oh, my God. Say it louder!” he teases. “I hate being on all the time at work. It’s exhausting.”
“Yeah, it is.”
“I need alone time. My bestie calls me an ambivert since I am an introvert masquerading as an extrovert.”
