“Grant didn’t like hearing that?” I guessed.
He grunted something I couldn’t hear. “Oh, no. Grant loved it. It meant that I could finally go with him on some of these out-of-town assignments he’d take for his job. You know, to interview someone for an article or cover an event in another city. That sort of thing.”
“Oh. That sounds kinda nice,” I said. “Getting away.”
He scoffed. “Yeah,soundsnice, but it wasn’t. He had the same expectations, only worse in some ways. I went to all these places but didn’t get toexperiencethem, you know. Like, he still wanted full control over what I wore so I wouldn’t embarrass him. Or what I did, even when he was busy working.” He ground his teeth together. “We went to the coast once because he had to interview someone, and it was during that annual kite festival in Long Beach. I used to fly kites with my dad, so I wanted to go check it out. But I couldn’t. I wasn’t allowed to do anything. At all. He said it was too childish and I should just look for more interesting things to do, and he even pushed for me to just wait in the hotel room.”
“Did you?” I asked.
Alex glanced at me. “No. I went down to the beach while he was doing his interview. I wasn’t gone long, thirty minutes maybe. But fuck, you would’ve thought I was gone all afternoon for how angry he was.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. My stomach was rolling with all the information, a furious mix of anger and hate toward someone I didn’t even know.
“Anyway, that didn’t last long. A few months, maybe. The more I traveled, the more I heard my dad’s voice telling me that it was time to let him go,” he said solemnly. “It was like everywhere I looked, I saw things that reminded me of him, but the pain was no longer there, you know. Like I’d somehow learned to accept that he was no longer a part of my life and was only just now realizing it.”
I squeezed his hand. “I’ve heard that’s how it works. The final stage of grief, I mean. It sneaks up on us and pushes us to a safe place before it lets us know we’ve arrived. Mom used to say it was grief’s way of letting us know there’s no going back.” I had no way of knowing if that was true, but hearing Alex’s experience made me believe it.
He stopped in his tracks and turned to face me. “Yeah, that’s exactly what it was. I just… I don’t know. I felt like I could finally breathe again, but at the same time, I realized I already had been and just didn’t know it.”
I smiled. “That’s good.”
He dropped his gaze. “Yeah, it was, but Grant didn’t think so.”
We continued walking, only now our steps were almost heavy and rushed, like Alex didn’t want to think about this part of the story and was trying to outpace it.
“I wanted more than what we had. For myself, I mean. So I got a job with a small handyman company, just doing odd things here and there for people. I actually really liked it. I liked the challenge and being able to help people. Every job was different too, so it never got boring.”
“Sounds familiar,” I teased.
He smiled. “Grant became… edgy. Like he’d always been short-tempered, especially when he was overworked or stressed, but this was even more so. He didn’t like giving up what control he had and the life he thought he’d created for us. He started to drink more, especially on the nights I was working late. And… well, it got out of hand pretty fast.”
“Babe, I’d hardly call what he did to you ‘out of hand.’ He hit you. That’s not okay. Ever. No matter how you try to color it.”
Alex was quiet, placing a hand on Roxy’s carrier, smiling down at her. She was just starting to doze off, soft snores coming from the bundles of fabric. It was a long time before he spoke. “Roxy was a gift from my dad. Did I tell you that?”
“You told me he named her, but no, not that she was a gift.”
He nodded. “He knew the breeder for a long time. And when he was in the final stages of his cancer, he made an arrangement with her that she would give one of the puppies to me.”
Pain sliced my heart. “God, Alex, that’s… well, that’s sweet but also heartbreaking.”
“Yeah. It was. Roxy was born the day after he died, so six weeks later, I get a knock on my door from Olivia. She said she had a letter and a gift from my dad and all but shoved both the paper and the puppy into my arms. I think she was afraid I’d reject her if I knew what it was.” He bent to kiss Roxy’s head. “Roxanna was my grandma’s name, so I guess Dad felt like he was sending me a guardian angel or something by naming her that. In a funny way, it worked. She was the only thing… theonlything, Vaughn, that got me through that grief. Just being able to hold her or play with her gave me a reason to get up and get through another day. So when I came home and saw Grant yanking her out from under the bed…”
It was my turn to stop us. Stepping in front of Alex, I put a hand to his face and looked him in the eyes. “Don’t you dare feel guilty for anything, you hear me? Leaving that asshole took courage, Alex, especially when you had nowhere to go. I admire you for it, and as much as it sucks you went through that and as much as I absolutelydetestthat he hurt you, I can also see how it helped you break through that grief so you’re on the other side.” I smiled at him, brushing my thumb over his cheek. “And look at you now. I mean, you’re a naturally quiet guy, but I haven’t seen much of that depressed person you described. Not while you’ve been here. Do you know how many times I’ve seen you smile since you got here? Or heard you laugh? You’ve more just been… lost, I think,” I said gently. “And that’s okay. Until you find your path, it’s okay to be a little lost.”
Alex folded his arms around me and kissed me once. “You’ve helped me see that,” he whispered.
I sensed Alex closing that door on this topic once again, and I tried not to feel disappointed. He’d revealed so much, trusted me with more than I dared to ask for. It had to have left him feeling a little off-balance. I hugged him for as long as he needed, praying one day there would come a time when Alex would trust me enough to either let me in completely or maybe even give me the key to his heart so I could ask him things without the fear of pushing too far.
The only thing was thatsomedayneeded to come soon, or I had no doubt Alex would find a reason to leave.
20
A few days before Roxy was scheduled to get her cast off, my sister visited me at the clinic, carrying a box of cookies and drinks from the coffee shop she frequented.
“Oooh, Bri, you spoil me!” Melanie gushed, reaching for one of the pumpkin spice cookies.
Bri giggled and went around the desk to hug Melanie before looking around the clinic. This was the first time she’d really seen Alex’s work other than the night when she’d pushed me too far and I’d nearly broken Alex’s trust for good. Now, she was really looking around, taking the time to admire his handiwork, and I felt a mix of pride and apprehension, waiting for her to say something.
