“You didn’t stay in touch?” he guessed.
“I tried,” I said, “but it was… hard to check in as often as they wanted that first year, with training all the time and adjusting to a new city, you know? I didn’t call home as much as I should have, and I didn’t visit for… I think it was a year and a half or something. I know that hurt them, and Des… well, what little respect he still had for me shattered after that.” The familiar ache in my chest returned, and I took a deep breath to try to stifle it. “Everyone in my family has always been close. Not just emotionally close, but physically, too. They all live within a few miles of each other. So I was the selfish one, you know. Not only by leaving them, but going to a different country, especially after all they’d done to get us into the U.S. in the first place.”
I glanced at him, and Jake’s eyes were full of both sadness and understanding and maybe a touch of anger too. “I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine.”
“Just sucks because I’mtryingnow, you know. I don’t answer every time they call, but I try to a couple times a week, at least. And I call them too.”
“Yeah. I know.”
We ordered our food and ate in silence as we made our way down to the beach. I felt better after having something in my stomach. Jake tossed our wrappers to a bin when we passed then gestured for me to follow him toward a heavy, weathered log on the sand. The sun was too far west for us to see it, but the colors of its descent were already being cast across the sky in streaks of beautiful oranges and pinks.
I sat down on the log, which was fairly low to the ground, and expected Jake to sit with me, but he sat in the sand between my legs instead, smiling up at me. “This okay?”
I bent to kiss him, folding my arms over his chest. “Only if this is.”
He settled in and closed both hands over my arm. We sat in silence for a long time, watching the colors dance over the water, listening to the gentle lap of the waves against the beach. It felt like a gift, to be holding him. A gift that I knew in my gut might not last, despite how badly I wanted it to. I started to daydream about us in this very same spot, a few years down the road, joining his friends for picnics or bonfires. I had absolutely no doubt my heart would still be tangled up in Jake then, just as much as it was now. Maybe even more. I really was falling for him.
I didn’t think Jake was ready for me to say that though, so I did the one thing I knew would get through to him and pressed a slow, deep kiss to the tender place that always made him shiver. Jake sighed and tilted his head for more.
“Fuck, you really are good at that.”
“Stay with me,” I whispered, without thinking.
Jake chuckled. “Like you need to ask. I have to get up to run with Beckett tomorrow, but yeah, I’ll stay with you.”
I hated the coldness spreading through me. I needed him to know. “Iwantyou to stay, Jake.”
This time, Jake heard what I didn’t say. He tensed in my arms and avoided looking at me for a few long seconds. When he finally did, there was a coldness in his eyes I wasn’t prepared for.
“You know it can’t be more than this, Rey.” He said as he tried to pull away, but I tightened my arms. “I’m sorry if it’s not what you want to hear, but I can’t do more than this. I can’t make promises to you, even if you stay in Reedsport.” Something seemed to click into place, and he turned even more. “I can’t be a factor in your decision,” he said. “Please don’t do that to yourself.”
I wasn’t all that surprised by his comment, but the change in his demeanor was abrupt. Here I was thinking about the future while Jake was trying to remind me we didn’t have one. Couldn’t he see that there didn’t need to be an end date now?
He looked at me for a full five seconds before trying again. “I mean it. If you decide to stay, make sure it’s because you know you belong with thekids.Not me.”
I sat back but kept my hands on his shoulders, not willing to break our connection despite how much his words stung.You belong with the kids. Not me.It felt wrong. Everything in me was saying… no…screamingthe opposite. That I belonged with Jake and he belonged with me. As unexpected as all of this was, it also felt absolutely right between us, and it terrified me that he really might leave. Jake had quickly become a constant for me. A stable piece of ground I could count on when I wasn’t sure which way I should go. Hesawme when others didn’t, and he not only made things better, but he made mewant to be better too. He made mebelieveI could be. I hadn’t realized it at the time, but that was exactly why I invited him to see me today. I knew that if he saw me, I’d let myself really believe I could make a difference in the lives of these kids. His opinion had been enough for me. BecauseJakewas enough.
I knew this was the moment I needed to say something, to tell him this wasn’t just a temporary thing for me anymore, but I was afraid that if I tried, it would fall on deaf ears. It felt like Jake had already made up his mind about us. He must have known, as he always did, because he tensed just as I was about to speak.
“The kidsarethe main reason I’m going to talk to Rome, but… you need to know you are a big part of the reason too.” I prepared myself for the worst, but Jake didn’t pull away as I’d expected. He didn’t look away either, and that meant everything to me. When I was so used to others tuning me out, Jake listened to me, even when he didn’t want to hear what I had to say.
I took a steadying breath and continued, “I care for you, Jake. A lot. And I don’t know what that means, but if it’s more of this”—I gestured to us and the beach—“and crazy dates with giant dildos, where I get to laugh until my sides ache for three days—" Jake laughed and glanced back out at the water, as I continued, “then yeah, I want more of it.”
I wanted to say more but also didn’t want to push my luck. It already felt like a miracle he was still sitting with me.
Finally, Jake reached up to grab one of my hands on his shoulder and pulled it tight across his chest until we were molded together again. I barely heard his reply over the roar of the ocean, but his words went deep.
“I care for you too, Reyes. More than I probably should, but I do.”
