Cole’s tried a few times to coax me into having something other than coffee and water. Before we hit the road, he packed me a protein bar, a sandwich, and a bag of cereal to give me options.
“There’s a rest stop up ahead at the next exit. Hungry?” He’s checked if I want to stop at every sign for food we pass.
I shake my head, eying the thick gray clouds blanketing the sky from the passenger seat with a frown. “I hope the snow holds off.”
“I have all-wheel drive. Take a breath for me, okay?” His thumb strokes my thigh comfortingly.
My head hits the seat and I close my eyes, drawing a deep inhale, holding it, then letting it out until my pulse stops skittering like a panicked rabbit.
“Good girl. Better?”
“A little. Sorry, I’m just so nervous. There are a million thoughts going through my head. Checklists, the order I want to set up in, the freebies I made.” I gulp. “What if no one comes to my table?”
He shoots me an empathetic sidelong glance that stokes warmth in my heart, temporarily taking the edge of nerves away. When he untucks his hand from between my legs and offers it, I clutch it like my lifeline.
“They will, sweetheart. What will make you happy about today?”
“If just one person comes over,” I push out in a rush. “Last night I dreamed no one could see me.”
“I see you,” he promises sincerely.
As usual in the face of my insecurities, he’s patient. He remains calm and doesn’t raise his voice. I’ve never felt like I’m frustrating to deal with.
I massage my forehead. “Sorry I’m like this. I know it’s irrational. It’s hard to switch off if I don’t talk it out.”
“No.” He squeezes my hand. “You have nothing to apologize for. It doesn’t matter if it’s logical, what you’re feeling is real. It’s normal to be nervous and I want you to tell me so I can help. I’m listening. Do what you need to if it’ll make you feel better.”
If I didn’t have him here, I think I would’ve turned around and driven home. He called out from the Knights’ away game for me and arranged for Lainey to watch Bauer for the weekend. He told me I needed him as my coach more than the hockey team does right now.
“I’m so glad you’re with me,” I admit.
“I’ll always be there for you when you need me.”
My eyes water as a result of being overwhelmed. I blink away the tears, feeling silly.
“Want to listen to your audiobook? It might give your mind a minute to rest.”
“Okay.”
He gets my phone connected to the speaker system. The story sucks me in, creating a welcome escape from my imposter syndrome. He opens a protein bar, giving it to me when I glance at him, then gets another for himself.
I relax for a while. Until it begins to snow.
Needing an outlet—without bothering Cole with my indignation—I vent to my friends.
Eve:The weather better not fucking try me today.
Caroline:Major middle finger to the storm. My flight home is canceled. Chin up, babe. It won’t stop you.
Julia:It’s your day. Nothing can hold you down. We’re cheering you on!
Eve:Thanks guys. I’m just dumping my feels here so I don’t keep piling on Cole, ignore me.
Lauren:Never [heart emoji]
Julia:You know this chat is open to all therapeutic unloading because none of us have it together all the time.
Eve:Okkk, I needed that. [heart hands emoji]
