MightyPuck:Yeah, I am. They’re incredible guys. I think I’ll always carry this season with me after it’s over.
CraftyCutie:Next one will be even better I bet.
MightyPuck:I’m sure they’ll do great, even if I don’t get to be part of it.
CraftyCutie:What do you mean?
I massage my forehead, working out how to explain this without coming apart at the seams to unleash every stressful worry I’ve caged up. I haven’t wanted to think about any of it, allowing myself to get swept up in the rush of post-season to put off my unknown future as a coach for Heston University’s hockey program.
Leaving the bathroom, exhaustion washes over me. A thump followed by laughter and muffled music from the next room prevents me from face planting into the bed.
A wry smile twists my lips. I remember what it was like in the middle of playoffs with my own team in college. We felt on top of the world. I shoot off a quick text to the group chat they put me in and tell them to get their asses to bed so they’re fresh for tomorrow’s game.
CraftyCutie:Cole?
CraftyCutie:You still there?
CraftyCutie:You can talk to me about anything.
MightyPuck:Sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you. I had to lay down the law for rowdy players that wouldn’t go to sleep.
MightyPuck:So… I don’t know if I get to keep my coaching job. I was brought on as a temporary measure to fill in on a trial basis.
CraftyCutie:Oh. But you love this job.
MightyPuck:I do. Can’t picture myself doing anything that fulfills me like this. I can’t go back to what I was doing before. The youth camps were fun, but I’ve realized I was just bouncing around to fill the time as a way to cope. It was a distraction because I didn’t want to think about what I wanted to pursue after I graduated. Now that I’m aware I was using it to cover up what I didn’t want to face, I can’t go back to letting my life happen to me. I want to be in control.
CraftyCutie:Have you talked to my dad? If you want to stay, he’ll want to keep you on.
MightyPuck:Not yet. He hasn’t said anything yet.
CraftyCutie:I’m sure he wants you after everything you’ve put into this team. You work so hard to push them.
MightyPuck:I hope. I haven’t been thinking about it because I don’t want to plan what comes next if I’m let go. Since I’ve been back, I’ve worked on changing my old reputation. I want to be better.
CraftyCutie:What do you mean? You’re amazing.
MightPuck:You know what I was like. The funny guy. The screwup…
CraftyCutie:I didn’t think of you like that.
MightyPuck:Thanks. I want to change, though. I’m tired of being the guy who’s tooirresponsible. I’m trying to get it together and become someone dependable, but whenever I feel like okay, this is what I need to do, there’s always something new to handle. I swear it seems like some of the guys I’m coaching have their life more in order than I do. Isn’t that messed up?
CraftyCutie:Hey. You’re talking to a professional disaster. It’s okay to be in your feels and not know what the hell is going on. In the words a really cool person told me recently, no one’s perfect.
My lips twitch and my gaze softens. I trace the edge of my phone with my thumb, wishing I had her in front of me. I need her.
She’s the only one I’m not afraid to let in completely. I trust her to see me at my best and my worst. It’s easy to open up to her, far more than I imagined. Not only because we’ve grown closer as friends, but because I’ve seen her struggle first hand.
I sink to the bed, struck by the fact it’s my best friend’s sister who sees me who I want to be seen as. My heart beats hard when I envision her brilliant smile.
She makes me want to be strong for her when she needs help to carry her burdens, but it’s gratifying to know she understands and offers me the same in return when I need to lean on her. I don’t feel as alone being able to share this with her.
Out of everyone in my life, she understands the uncertainty I’m feeling. I’ve tried to bring it up to Benson, but he’s got a lot on his plate between his business and the family he’s started. I love him like a brother, but it doesn’t bring me the same relief to be open with him like this.
When I talk to Eve, there’s no sense of judgment or comparison.
CraftyCutie:Everyone takes a different amount of time to figure it all out, too. There’s no set way we all have to follow. Some people find their way early and some of us need longer.
