We were so close that I could see the specks of brown in her beautiful amber eyes. I waited, wanting to be sure she was ready. All the noise, all the reasons we shouldn’t take this step, drifted away as the crickets sang their song from the nearby hedges. The fireflies continued their hypnotic dance, all of it coming together like nature’s heartbeat, keeping time with mine.
Leaning further down, my hands lightly resting on her waist, I saw the moment she gave her approval as she slowly stood on her tiptoes, her expression tender and vulnerable. I was about to kiss this gorgeous, kind, amazing woman. The one I had dreamed of for months.
She closed her eyes, her sweet breath skating over my lips as I closed my eyes as well.
“Daddy?”
twelve
. . .
Vicky
As I laid in my bed, still stunned from that moment with Miles, my mind buzzed wildly like bees. As much as I had come to love MJ, I couldn’t help but feel like screaming “no!” when she showed up.
Okay, so I might have screamed that on the way home.
Miles looked just as disappointed as I did, quickly rushing to her with an apologetic expression. Assuring him it was okay, I kissed her cheek and let myself out. Despite my disappointment, the drive home felt like floating on a cloud.
My first kiss might not have happened, but hewantedto kiss me. If I were to look back on that moment years later, I’m pretty sure it was then that my silly crush turned into something much deeper and more meaningful.
Even with no frame of reference to know if it was love, I still felt that something beautiful was growing between Miles and me. There was so much more I wanted to tell him, but what we had shared about our lives showed something deeper than just a simple crush.
That painful but healing conversation with Corinna about my lifelong battle with body shaming had started to break down the ever-present lies in my head. I hugged my knees to my chest as I sat up and thought back over my life.
Over the years, some mean girls and clueless boys made fat jokes, even into my later grades. Among the few friends I made early at university,I was known as the cute, shy girl. The one who didn’t date or party. I tried that once and ended up being ignored by guys who preferred the model-thin girls instead. That went on until I met Ren. We clicked immediately, talking for hours about design and how we’d one day open our own design business.
Sighing heavily, I thought about how she would often give up dates with handsome guys so she and I could hang out. She was the best friend a girl could ask for. We were like yin and yang. Where I was quiet, she was outgoing. I was studious, and she would often wing it, which frustrated me because she still passed all her classes with flying colors. I laughed just thinking about it. The woman didn’t even have to study. She was amazing.
Getting out of bed, I walked to the window and watched the busy downtown San Diego streets. A musician played guitar, his music muffled behind the closed window of my loft. Neon lights lit up the street corners as couples walked hand-in-hand in and out of restaurants and bars.
Tracing my finger along the cool glass, I once again drifted to that dream Ren and I had back in school. My experiences and conversations with both Miles and my new client about their ideas for remodeling their houses rekindled that dream.
Sobered by the fact that few interior designers actually become as successful as Elena Sala, my mind still raced with possibilities. Turning back to grab my laptop from my bag, I searched for the list we had made years ago of what we needed to do to start our own business. Of course, it was based on this being done in Italy, which made my chest pang oddly. Rubbing the spot, I understood the reason.
“Everything changed when I met and spent time with Miles,” I said out loud, my words echoing in my empty loft. The question was no longer if I had the courage to pursue this dream in a few years. The burning question was whether I now had the courage to do it without him in my life. I knew I wasn’t ready for marriage and a family yet, but it was a desire of mine for the future. Miles had opened up my mind to that possibility, despite Enzo’s demands and warnings. But what would I have to give up if I pursued something with him? All these new emotions were so confusing.
Groaning, I rubbed my temples. Then his words came back to me like a beacon on a dark night.
“You’re doing that. Right now, right here. Showing them you can achieve those dreams, go on adventures, be independent. You’re doing it.”
I stood up straight. Iwasdoing it. I’d left the safety of my home in Rome and moved to another country. Another country! Why had I let myuseless doubts about my body continue to overshadow what I had accomplished?
While I was focused on how much I wanted to change the way I looked, I missed out on the strength I could gain from my brave actions. It wasn’t starting my own business yet, but I was pursuing my dreams, even the ones I thought were impossible just a few months ago.
Then, like a lightning bolt, Corinna’s words cut through this revelation as well. I hadn’t wanted to revisit them, but in this powerful moment, I knew I needed to.
“You can’t seem to be what, Vicky?”
“Normal.”
The impact of that confession had broken down some long-standing walls in my life. I viewed them as impenetrable as those built in the Colosseum almost 2000 years ago. Memories of my father filled my mind, bringing with them a bittersweet feeling. I wished so badly for him to be here with me right now and help me work through these warring emotions.
In the next breath, a heaviness unearthed from inside me where I had kept it hidden. Another wall was crumbling, and I feared what this one might do to me. I always thought that if I ever truly let myself grieve all that I’d lost in my father’s death, I might never recover. But the dam had broken, and there was no stopping it.
Going to my knees on the soft carpet, I cried out in heaving sobs, not caring if my neighbors heard.
“God, I need your help. I don’t know what to do,” I sobbed, repeating this over and over until I had no tears left. What felt like hours later, sitting alone in the dark in my own space, I released years of self-hatred and grief.
