She sets her hand on my shoulder. "I'm supporting you by making sure you've thought this through. Chad is your first love. Just last summer, you talked about marrying him. I don't want you breaking up with him because he's not giving you enough attention. Give it some time. I'm sure once Chad gets more settled into his new routine he'll be back to his old self."
"Mom, you're not getting it. I don't want to be with him anymore. He doesn't make me happy."
"It's not up to a boy to make you happy. Happiness comes from within."
"Yeah, I know you say that, but I should feel at least some happiness when I'm with Chad. I should want to be with him, and I don't."
She turns back to her dinner. "I think you should give it more thought. Chad is smart, nice-looking, comes from a good family, and is going to be very successful someday."
"That's why you want me to stay with him?" I ask, feeling my anger rising. "Because he's going to make a lot of money? Dad made a lot of money and look what happened. You ended up alone, and living here."
I see the hurt in her face and wish I could take it back.
"Mom, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. I was just angry."
She pats her napkin over her mouth. "I'd like you to go to your room."
"Mom, I said I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it."
Her eyes shoot to mine. "I said go to your room."
I get up and go down to my room, slamming the door shut. I was wrong to say what I did, but she was wrong to tell me I have to stay with Chad. She doesn't know him like I do. She doesn't know how I feel when I'm with him, like I'll never be good enough. She doesn't seem to even care how I feel. She just wants me to marry someone who's rich and live the life she had until my dad left.
Maybe I don't want that life. Honestly, I don't think I do. My mom says she was happy all those years with my dad but it always seemed like she was just pretending. Like she was dead inside but covered up her misery with a pretty smile to match her pretty dress.
I don't want to live that way. I want to be with someone who makes me feel alive. I never knew what that felt like until I met Dean. Even when we're arguing, I feel this energy, this excitement, like I've never felt before. And when he does something sweet, my heart melts because it feels genuine, like he really does care. And when he kissed me? It was like a bolt of lightning went through me, awakening my body to feelings I didn't know were possible.
I want to feel that way every day. I want that energy, that excitement. I want to feel alive.
And that will never happen with Chad.
Chapter Twenty
Dean
Monday at class I slump down in my chair, yawning because I'm so freaking tired. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept thinking about Brook. I never should have spent the day with her. It was too good. Too real. The more time I spent with her, the closer I felt to her. There were several times I felt like I was out with my girlfriend. I almost held her damn hand. It scared the shit out of me, so I tried to push her away when we got to the park.
I had every intention of getting off the bus at my stop and not seeing her again until class today, but then I saw her crying and couldn't do it. It killed me to see her cry, and I knew it was about that kid and her dad. Brook wants her dad back, just like Jacob does. Maybe that's why it hurt me so much, seeing her cry. I was hurting for them both.
When we got to her apartment I was prepared to turn and go back, but I could still feel her sadness and couldn't just leave her there all alone. I decided to go up with her and let her talk. I knew she'd feel better if she could talk about it. After she did, I noticed her mood lighten, and the brightness return to her eyes. She was even smiling again.
When she invited me to eat, I took her up on the offer because I was starving and didn't have food at home. I helped her clean up, and then...I don't know what came over me, but I couldn't stop myself.
I kissed her. I thought she'd pull away and yell at me for it, but instead she grabbed me and kissed me back. That broke open the floodgates. There's no way I was stopping at just a kiss. I wanted to hear her moan. I wanted to watch her body writhe in pleasure as I touched her. I wanted her to come.
When she did, I wanted to keep going. I wanted to strip her naked and bury myself inside her. I wanted to so bad, but I didn't. Instead I waited until I was home and relieved myself in the shower, imagining Brook being there, her smooth porcelain skin wet and glistening.
Those thoughts continued throughout the night, and when I wasn't thinking dirty thoughts, I was imagining what it'd be like to actually have her in my life. To have her as my girlfriend. I never should've even entertained those thoughts because it'll just make me want something I can't have, but I did it anyway. And I haven't felt that kind of peace and happiness for a very long time.
"Hey," Brook says, climbing over my legs to get to her seat.
"Hey." I sit up straight. "How'd it go last night?"
"How'd what go?"
"Your call with Chad. You called him, right?"
"No. I got in a fight with my mom. I was too upset to deal with Chad."
