“I don’t see how they can. And that’s why I told you not to worry. Simon is the best of the best, and he won’t make a rookie mistake of leading anyone to track your location.”
I knew that, but still, I was tense. Deliveries came through an encrypted system. I was confident that even talking with him now would be untraceable. We had state-of-the-art technology and cyber experts for this reason.
Yet, I was aware that anything was possible. For all we knew, a mole or rat could be trying to turn traitor and sell intel to the Riveras. It had happened before, like with Gabriella being with Luka at first.
For now, the safest course of action was to keep Kalina out here where it would be harder for anyone to find us.
It was also, for now, my preferred course of action because I wanted to explore this new closeness that I couldn’t get enough of.
Because I don’t want to share her yet.
It was too addicting to consider hermine.
I couldn’t deny that to myself. Acknowledging how possessive I was over her was an important step for me, too. I was honest in how she was getting to me, that each time she trusted me to show her how to feel so good, how to go to that ultimate bliss with me, she was helping me to heal. She was giving me a reasonto open my heart past the pain of failing Elena and not saving her life.
Helping Kalina get her grounding and worshiping her body every night were a phase of recovery that I needed to allow myself to consider love again.
The next day, when Simon called in with more accurate reports of how pissed the Riveras were with Erik for conning them, I grew more worried.
I kept my feelings to myself, not wanting to scare my son or Kalina, but I had to double-check that I wasn’t erring and going too lax with security. That was how I’d failed my wife. And I refused to fail Kalina or Misha. I couldn’t.
While they had dinner and wrapped up putting leftovers away, I told them I was checking on the guards patrolling outside.
Through the cold and the snow, I walked out there and found them.
“Hey,” Niko greeted.
He was one of the rotating guards assigned out here.
“Anything happening?”
He frowned then shook his head. “Nothing. Same old.”
Like the others, he was receiving updates from Simon. We were all up-to-date about the developments, but I hoped that checking with the guards would reinforce my belief that we were careful and taking every precaution.
After checking in with all the men I could see near the perimeter, I sighed and started the walk back to the cabin.
Shaking off this unease about keeping Kalina safe wasn’t happening. Anxiety gnawed on my nerves, eating away at me. It was the acute fear of losing her that forced me to recognize that this wasn’t just sex. It wasn’t only a style of helping her move past her trauma.
She was mattering too much, making me scared to ever see her harmed.
She won’t be.
I won’t repeat my mistakes.
There is no way in hell I’ll let anyone hurt her again.
As I lifted my face, the bite of the cold air on my skin chilled me.
But it wasn’t nearly as icy as the wrath in my veins that someone out there would want her back. Or dead.
That can’t happen.
Because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to ever forgive myself if I let her down like I had failed my wife.
I wasn’t sure I’d find the courage to continue without having her with me and fulfilling me with these budding forays into love.
20
